I'd Just Rather Not

A lot of you are pouring out your feelings onto the web. Dripping pain, even fictitious pain, on wounds I'd rather not reopen. Splitting gashes I've meticulously closed, cauterizing when necessary to blot out what needs not reign within. Feel free to stop any time.

I'm trying not to be pensive and to give thoughtful a little room because I'd just rather not. Life is stressful enough without adding to it or necessarily talking about it because the internet does not offer me freedom of anonymity. Perhaps for you it does.

I know he's reading.

Your palpable pain reminds me of an even more stress-filled time when mine was quotidian. And I'd just rather not.

Back sliding and reliving it, fielding calls and emails and text messages from the responsible party. I'm continuing my victory-filled journey beyond the pain, toward healing, seeing minor setbacks for just what they are, grabbing a Bible for something, anything tangible to hold on to, keeping insanity at bay because I'd just rather not.


Anonymous said...

First. How cool is that?

One man's catharsis is another man's historically documented descent into the abyss.

Been there, done that.

Nothing reinforces my pain like writing it in bold prose.

Looks from here like you are doing just fine.


Desy said...

I really commend you mellymel (or is that off the market?). some of my friends have slid back into those dark days, which is what triggered my most recent posts... empathy manifesting itself so that i can try to understand what they are going thru... to help... i didn't have a post and just began writing and it turned into that...


do you mind being a trigger for my next literary attempt (eg. me writing about a woman who loves food, strategically placed solitude, and books who is blessed and highly favored...b/c you are)

I'll pray for you to maintain this beautiful strength you have that keeps your head up and your mind right

ps- like that 'q' word do we?...lol

Open Grove Claudia said...

I have a bunch of posts in my "draft" pile that are bleeding and pain ridden. But when it comes time to post them, I always think: "what good will come from this?" I want my words and actions to uplift so I rarely bleed in public.

I just think we have a rare opportunity on-line to uplift. That's what I try to do....

And why I do love your blog - even when you're snarky, you work toward managing yourself and returning to the positive. yay!

Jazzy said...

wow...I am completely distracted by the link to "him free existence". You really put it all out there.

I will be back...I was EXTRA late today and what am I doing instead of catching up on emails and meetings...READING YOUR BLOG!

Be back with a proper comment momentito!

Jameil said...

ink... thank you dahling.

desy... merci. i don't mind. strategically placed solitude sounds very intriguing.

claud... the bleeding is so much sometimes you know? i've been there but that's not where i am right now. thank you for the compliment.

diva... yeah... it was very extra. that's why the whole confession thing was very whatever for me. i've been there. i've put it all out and it serves its purpose but right now i'm not at that place.

Ticia said...

Hey! Thanks for stopping by!
I share somethings on my site. ... not much...but some! LOL

But I have seen the extreme of it!

Jazzy said...

I have to give it to you though...were I you, my blog would have changed addresses or I would have shut.it.down.

It would bother me that he is reading...but in typical BLOG BULLY fashion, you just kept it moving. Very admirable.

Normally, you are so perky, I just want to pinch you. Not that I want to read depressing or emotional posts from you, but this surprised me in a good way. If you can understand my babble.

Now if only I could leave my ex alone. :-0

proacTiff said...

This is honest. And nice. I feel you. I have no real blog direction. You seem to keep a feel good hodge-podge blog. It's all good...

TGIF after 10:30 pm. LOL

Eb the Celeb said...

Stay strong girl!

1969 said...

Always remember....he chose to leave. He chose to be where he is.

You have come back from that like a champ and have moved on spiritually and physically.

Be strong. Luv ya.

Jameil said...

ticia... thx for stopping by & you're welcome!

diva... lol. this is MY spot. no one is running me away. this blog was here before we were together and as you see outlasted the relationship. perky is who i can be. it's a facet of my personality. i'm generally an optimist (there is a HUGE dose of realism which confuses people) so it comes through on the blog.

they're exes for a reason. i really think you have to cut all ties. that's the easiest way and it's still hard.

pro... i work friday nights... they're my monday morning. bah humbug!! feel good is good.

eb... i will.

1969... he absolutely chose that. LOVING the spiritual moving on. you're marvelous.

Sparkling Red said...

Wow, I've never seen this side of you before. You always have your opinions worked out, but it's never been about anything this intense since I started reading. Your determination and confidence are inspiring. :-)

the joy said...

Understandable. Damn lack of anonymity.

Momisodes said...

I just went back and read the link. My heart aches for you in the post. I've SO been there, relived it too often in my mind, and blogged about it long ago. I stopped and don't go there anymore because I THINK he may be reading.

Good for you for staying strong while moving on.

Jameil said...

Red... girl i was heated this morning! lol. so i just let it go. thanks!

joy... lol.

sandy... i'm so much better for being on this side! it was a necessary evil but yes, those posts are PAINFUL!!

Rashan Jamal said...

Word up, Son! *insert encouraging words here*