5.23.2007

the him-free existence

this morning i called and left him a message asking him not to call me. i don't know what its going to take for me to heal but i have to try cutting off communication. i have to try anything. my chest gets tight everytime i think about it. really think about the fact that he's ok being without me. he chose it.

yesterday i cleaned. i threw out bags and bags of papers, shoe boxes, magazines, clothes not fit to give away that i'd never wear again (why should i if its not in good enough condition to give away? and don't think i'm wearing broke-looking clothes). i filled a giant american eagle bag with clothes i haven't worn in more than a year. somethings i hadn't worn in 2 or more years.

for some reason its hard for me to get rid of t-shirts. i have loads and loads of them, mostly free from various stages of my life, conventions, leadership conferences and things of that nature which give them sentimental attachment. some dating back to 6th grade. (yes i know its bizarre that i can still fit in clothes from 6th grade). i threw out a 7th grade tee because it had a hole in it. i only wore it to bed but i felt proud. keep in mind how i dress and how i feel about fashion. i hate tees. i wear them only to the gym and to sleep in so this attachment is really ridiculous.

i have a lot of film that i need to get developed. so the new plan. if i have any pictures of me wearing the tee-shirt, unless is says hampton or sgrho, its out the door. i can't keep holding on to this crap and dragging tee-shirts around the country forever.

i started cleaning because his cards are everywhere. i wanted to throw them out. but i partially heard joy's voice (blog voice that is) and partially my mom's. and ashli's since i talked to her the next day. someday i'm sure i'll want to relive these memories. right now i just want them out of my sight. i thought about mailing them to him. not saying anything else, just mailing them to him. but i don't know if he'd throw them out since he's a chucker. you know one of those people who will throw something away if he can't figure out where it came from. so if i want the memories back one day, i don't want him holding them hostage or for them to be in a landfill somewhere. i'm thinking about turning the necklace into a ring. i'd just rather not wear the vestiges of his love around my neck. know what i mean? i can still wear the earrings because hey, i love earrings. the bratch? eh. see that post? i had it bad. AND I MEAN BAD.

i guess that's why i still feel physically ill. but jamar is really helping me through this. ashli has been monumental because she actually made me feel a little better. my friend from home, meagan. my mom when she's letting me go through this in my own way. i have a support system.

however, i'm concerned about the people who've felt the need to reach out to me in case i'm suicidal. uh... folks. it's never that deep. ever. that is not love to want to kill yourself. i'm a bit vain so someone leaving pushes me to make them want me more. and to succeed and push myself to that next level. only to say, you missed your chance. we broke up for a reason. if nothing's changed, then we can't go back. i've always held that position.

i didn't always necessarily stick to it, but i believed it. i'm not willing to be that girl. i don't do break-up to make-up. if you felt strongly enough about whatever we went through to end it, then you have to live with your decision. that's partly why i called him this morning to ask him not to call. you chose not to have me in your life like that. it's hard because we've talked at least 3 times a week for the last 4 years. so to go cold turkey is just like a drug addict. you feel the need to dip back. even now i'm struggling not to pick up the phone.

but i have to do it. i was feeling strong (I AM STRONG! STRONG! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM WOMAAAAAAAAAN!! lmao. my 10th grade world history teacher played that song for us and we couldn't stop laughing. i think we just couldn't imagine a world where (though its still true today in some ways) women had to fight so much for their rights. you know i know about civil rights. for me i think it was more how she sounded. PUT SOME BASS IN YOUR VOICE!!)

my strength was there. i was cleaning up, ironing, washing clothes, changing my sheets, making plans to take back my life. then he called. i stared at the phone. i kind of smirked because my dad was wrong. he did call. but then i felt dread. i wondered what he could possibly say to me. stace asked why i answered. b/c if i didn't i just would've called him back to find out what he wanted. i could've just let him leave a message.

my mom told me i didn't have to call him to tell him not to call but i'd already made up my mind to do that. she said just don't answer. i don't know if i can. but i know i can't answer when you don't call. i'm starting to think maybe she was right, but what's done is done. yesterday he called to tell me that he'd fractured his foot and sprained his ankle playing basketball. i laughed (wryly) because i'd been telling him for years to stop playing injured and that one of these days he was really gonna hurt himself. he laughed too and told me not to laugh. i stopped because i didn't want to do this yet. i can't be your friend yet.

he called me just to tell me that. to tell me the biggest news in his life right now. and to tell me the latest with his mom. YOU DON'T SEE THAT ENORMOUS ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM? the carcass of our relationship you just stepped over to nonchalantly make that call? what am i supposed to say to you? sorry you hurt yourself? that's for friends and girlfriends. right now i'm not much of either. i guess you could feel that for a stranger. but i need to feel nothing for you because i don't like my stomach in knots. i don't like the pounding headache that ensued when you called like nothing happened. and i'm sitting there wondering if this is how it's going to be. if you're just going to act like we never had anything. is this our life? and i wasn't ready for that.

it set me back. i'd woken up ready to go to work. and suddenly i was back. back in the moment. reliving what happened. i put the phone on speakerphone while i ironed, then my friend meagan called and i said i'd call him back but i knew it wouldn't be yesterday. i didn't know when. and even as i write this, i'm going back and forth. but i have to give myself a chance.

i was also amazed that while i was sitting in the house crying, and trying to finally sleep (for now i can only sleep once i get to the point of absolute exhaustion because my mind finally stops going. that means 24 hours after i woke up), you were out playing basketball. it slapped me in the face that this was really over for you. you've made your peace with it and moved on. i want that too. i don't want to be here anymore. but i can't do that if you're still here. i don't know what's going to work for me. but i've got to try something.

16 comments:

Sha Boogie said...

Ugh..I know that feeling and it sucks. Like, how are you over us so fast and I'm still here in this crappy unhappy place. But, then I realized men and woman digest things differently, we cry- they play ball. But the fact that he called you says something....

dreamyj said...

wow, this is like some kind of deja vu for me. i can completely see myself in what you're writing. less than a year ago i experienced a major break up and i felt the emotional turmoil you feel. he and i hadn't been friends the way you two were but he was my bestest for the time we were together. it'll get easier. one day you will be like him. keep your head up, stay busy, keep doing what you're doing and focus only on you. =)

jameil1922 said...

sha.. it says he wants us to be friends. which i already knew. he told me that when he broke up with me. "i still love you and i still want you in my life." that is partial selfishness tho he did say "i know it will take a while." eh. i take it all with a grain of salt.

dreamy... ick. deja vu sucks. did you write that post for me?

Amber Ileene said...

i dont check blogs for a few days i come back ... and well its a whole different world .. and my girl you know im not gonna tell you its easy or youll get over it soon ... cause you helped me thru all my drama with your comments... and never fed me bs... but i know you got this ... and thats all that needs to be said ...

La said...

1st of all I have to say how pissed I am cuz I left like, the greatest comment ever on the post below and something happened to it. Really, it was great wisdom. And now... it's gone.

Moving on...

I don't think I've ever admired you more than I do right now. If I were you, I dunno if I'd have the balls to write about it.

the joy said...

What was I saying? Lol I'm like jiminy cricket. God, I hate that, "he's everywhere" phase. I'm a hoarder so that made it worse.

Wtg with the calling him. He should have it be known that you can't just pick up as friends. Boo!

CNEL said...

I get your logic with calling. I can easily deny myself, what's already being denied to me.

I'm not of the belief that people can be friends right away either. I'd much rather us have space, time, and the opportunity to move past the moment. How am I gonna do me, if I'm still worried about you? It just don't make no sense. In my mind I can say to the one whose gone "you made your mark, and one day I'm going be grateful for it just not today".

Duck said...

Remember that song? "Back back, back back, gimme 50 feet..."

I need 50 feet, homie, dang.

Maybe it's a guy mechanism, because when I went through The Breakup, it was the same thing. I need space. But you're calling me. But you're telling me about your motorcycle accident (odd, he got hurt too). But you're stopping by my house unannounced and in the middle of the night. (Luckily, you don't have to worry about that foolishness... or do you? Anyway, you think deciding to pick up the phone is hard? How about trying to kick someone out of your house?)

Anywhoo... *sigh* What the hell, man? The thing is, you can never figure it out, and it never seems easy. But (cliche alert, I apologize in advance) you only come out stronger. And come out admiring yourself for being able to be strong.

...strong and cute. You know how we roll. :-)

Bklyn Diva said...

*hugs* always here if you need somebody.. even if you want to just laugh!!! you know I got you on a laugh..

As my girl told me.. put on ya cutest dress, fix ya hair, put them killem heels on and let's go.. TONIGHT its all about you.. I tell you what.. I FELT SO GOOD THAT NIGHT.. I swore she paid folks to talk to me LOL

keep ya head up babygirl..

shani-o said...

I am so glad you made that call. The one thing I know about relationships (and really, it's the only thing I do know) is that when they conclude, they really have to just... stop.

The talking, the hanging out (well, not so much in your case), etc... it just can't happen if you're really broken up. Especially if you hope to someday be cordial to each other.

Of course, guys always want to "still be friends" and so many times, women fool themselves into thinking that transition can happen smoothly.

Anyway, I'm with wife, I'm in total admiration.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

Jamiel.

First off. Its selfish for him to communicate with you right now. It sounds to me that while perhaps a mutual decision to break up, it was initiated by him. That being the case- its pretty disrespectful for him to reach out to you and, as you so aptly said. "ignore the carcass of the Elephant in the room". He's looking to gain his freedom from commitment to you, while still trying to hold on the things he's sees as great about you- without having any responsibility towards you. Fact is- no one *wants* to grieve a relationship. its TERRIBLE- on both sides. The longer it went on, the longer the grieving process (and you have to allow yourself the time to process this and move on. its not an immediate thing, and wont be. you cannot let this frustrate or irritate you). He is trying to avoid his grieving process by continuing to communicate with you - and MAYBE exonerate himself of a very guilty feeling he is harboring for causing you pain.

Elle Willa said...

I don't use the n-word. But if I did it would go in this sentence where I use ignoramus: That Ignoramus needs to lose your phone number for awhile. SELFISH. Selfish to call so soon to shoot the effin shite when he's the one that broke up with you. HELL TO THE NAW. [end rant] Damn, I think I just channeled Whitney Houston.

dreamyj said...

lol, yes i wrote that comment for you. just wanted you to know i understand what you're going through, been there!

DP said...

*reads post carefully...nods to himself* Thinks...


Shes gonna be JUSSSST fine. Not today. But she will be.



Good call on calling him and TELLING him not to call you. Negroes are kinda slow on the uptake. now when you give him a good cussin for calling(causehe WILL call again) he cant say he wasnt warned.

JOB said...

Ms. Jameil,
Sorry to hear about your news. I remember when the same thing happened to me, and exactly what you said, not only are you losing your boyfriend/girlfriend... but your BEST friend. That's what sucks the most.

Not to sound TOO cliche, but when a door shuts, a window opens and all that jazz.

And BTW, the "being friends" in my experience doesn't work. Breaking up and then "being friends" is like someone spilling something and then you just walk all through it tracking footprints all over place. It just makes a mess.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

damn! I just read what Ace wrote and I have nothing more to say. yeah, what Ace said!