Probe

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): probed; prob·ing
transitive verb
1 : to search into and explore very thoroughly : subject to a penetrating investigation

my alternate def: to pester in a manner as to inflict pain upon, whether physical or otherwise.

Although X has NOT answered my additional questions yet after attempting to play me, I will answer hers. I was going to skirt the answers, evade, perhaps be a bit vague, but La essentially called me to the carpet.

1. What would have to happen for you to go back to Kyle?
I kind of hate you for this question. Ok, I don't hate you, but I'm very, very busy pretending he doesn't exist and this question is not helping. It's almost like a 2nd job. We haven't spoken in more than a week now. That is a very long time for us. It's hard especially with Stacey unavailable in Ghana for a month. I lost my two closest friends in the space of a month. At least Stace will be back. I'm not so sure about Kyle. He would have to be honest to me and tell me to my face what really happened. I don't know that either of us want to go there. He doesn't think it would work out long term. In that case, there's no point and no going back. If you don't think it will work and don't want to make it work, it won't. And we're just in each other's way as the people we are supposed to be with orbit us.

2. You're dying. Do you plan your own funeral?
Yes. I've been doing it for years. I know it's weird, but I like funerals. I'm also very comfortable with death. Not so comfortable that I like it, but I understand it as a part of life. Sometimes it annoys my family, but they should know. And if they do something I don't like, I will haunt them. Lololol. Maybe not haunt them because how will I know and does it really matter? But I plan it anyway.

3. When you look in the mirror, who do you see?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. But I like who I see most of the time. Physically, I'm obsessed with my stomach since I do crunches more consistently now than ever before in life. Spirtually I know I need some work but am a bit afraid to make it happen. (I know that's retarded). Mentally, I'm stronger than I sometimes know.

4. You have a secret. You're in a serious relationship. You know that the probability of the secret ending your relationship is high. But you feel very guilty. What do you do?
Whatever it is, if its going to eat at me, it will eventually end the relationship anyway. I believe in the band-aid method. Just rip it off. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. That's why I wish since Kyle and I had to end that it would've happened earlier. Less attachment would make it easier for us to be friends right now. After a year, you are almost certainly setting yourself up for failure.

5. Do you question God?
No. Everything really does happen for a reason. I may not understand it now but one day I will and I will be grateful for the lesson. Same with regrets. If you're busy regretting, you're also busy NOT learning, negating whatever you just went through. How hilarious is it that you have me sounding like a motivational speaker? Very, I think.

the him-free existence

this morning i called and left him a message asking him not to call me. i don't know what its going to take for me to heal but i have to try cutting off communication. i have to try anything. my chest gets tight everytime i think about it. really think about the fact that he's ok being without me. he chose it.

yesterday i cleaned. i threw out bags and bags of papers, shoe boxes, magazines, clothes not fit to give away that i'd never wear again (why should i if its not in good enough condition to give away? and don't think i'm wearing broke-looking clothes). i filled a giant american eagle bag with clothes i haven't worn in more than a year. somethings i hadn't worn in 2 or more years.

for some reason its hard for me to get rid of t-shirts. i have loads and loads of them, mostly free from various stages of my life, conventions, leadership conferences and things of that nature which give them sentimental attachment. some dating back to 6th grade. (yes i know its bizarre that i can still fit in clothes from 6th grade). i threw out a 7th grade tee because it had a hole in it. i only wore it to bed but i felt proud. keep in mind how i dress and how i feel about fashion. i hate tees. i wear them only to the gym and to sleep in so this attachment is really ridiculous.

i have a lot of film that i need to get developed. so the new plan. if i have any pictures of me wearing the tee-shirt, unless is says hampton or sgrho, its out the door. i can't keep holding on to this crap and dragging tee-shirts around the country forever.

i started cleaning because his cards are everywhere. i wanted to throw them out. but i partially heard joy's voice (blog voice that is) and partially my mom's. and ashli's since i talked to her the next day. someday i'm sure i'll want to relive these memories. right now i just want them out of my sight. i thought about mailing them to him. not saying anything else, just mailing them to him. but i don't know if he'd throw them out since he's a chucker. you know one of those people who will throw something away if he can't figure out where it came from. so if i want the memories back one day, i don't want him holding them hostage or for them to be in a landfill somewhere. i'm thinking about turning the necklace into a ring. i'd just rather not wear the vestiges of his love around my neck. know what i mean? i can still wear the earrings because hey, i love earrings. the bratch? eh. see that post? i had it bad. AND I MEAN BAD.

i guess that's why i still feel physically ill. but jamar is really helping me through this. ashli has been monumental because she actually made me feel a little better. my friend from home, meagan. my mom when she's letting me go through this in my own way. i have a support system.

however, i'm concerned about the people who've felt the need to reach out to me in case i'm suicidal. uh... folks. it's never that deep. ever. that is not love to want to kill yourself. i'm a bit vain so someone leaving pushes me to make them want me more. and to succeed and push myself to that next level. only to say, you missed your chance. we broke up for a reason. if nothing's changed, then we can't go back. i've always held that position.

i didn't always necessarily stick to it, but i believed it. i'm not willing to be that girl. i don't do break-up to make-up. if you felt strongly enough about whatever we went through to end it, then you have to live with your decision. that's partly why i called him this morning to ask him not to call. you chose not to have me in your life like that. it's hard because we've talked at least 3 times a week for the last 4 years. so to go cold turkey is just like a drug addict. you feel the need to dip back. even now i'm struggling not to pick up the phone.

but i have to do it. i was feeling strong (I AM STRONG! STRONG! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM WOMAAAAAAAAAN!! lmao. my 10th grade world history teacher played that song for us and we couldn't stop laughing. i think we just couldn't imagine a world where (though its still true today in some ways) women had to fight so much for their rights. you know i know about civil rights. for me i think it was more how she sounded. PUT SOME BASS IN YOUR VOICE!!)

my strength was there. i was cleaning up, ironing, washing clothes, changing my sheets, making plans to take back my life. then he called. i stared at the phone. i kind of smirked because my dad was wrong. he did call. but then i felt dread. i wondered what he could possibly say to me. stace asked why i answered. b/c if i didn't i just would've called him back to find out what he wanted. i could've just let him leave a message.

my mom told me i didn't have to call him to tell him not to call but i'd already made up my mind to do that. she said just don't answer. i don't know if i can. but i know i can't answer when you don't call. i'm starting to think maybe she was right, but what's done is done. yesterday he called to tell me that he'd fractured his foot and sprained his ankle playing basketball. i laughed (wryly) because i'd been telling him for years to stop playing injured and that one of these days he was really gonna hurt himself. he laughed too and told me not to laugh. i stopped because i didn't want to do this yet. i can't be your friend yet.

he called me just to tell me that. to tell me the biggest news in his life right now. and to tell me the latest with his mom. YOU DON'T SEE THAT ENORMOUS ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM? the carcass of our relationship you just stepped over to nonchalantly make that call? what am i supposed to say to you? sorry you hurt yourself? that's for friends and girlfriends. right now i'm not much of either. i guess you could feel that for a stranger. but i need to feel nothing for you because i don't like my stomach in knots. i don't like the pounding headache that ensued when you called like nothing happened. and i'm sitting there wondering if this is how it's going to be. if you're just going to act like we never had anything. is this our life? and i wasn't ready for that.

it set me back. i'd woken up ready to go to work. and suddenly i was back. back in the moment. reliving what happened. i put the phone on speakerphone while i ironed, then my friend meagan called and i said i'd call him back but i knew it wouldn't be yesterday. i didn't know when. and even as i write this, i'm going back and forth. but i have to give myself a chance.

i was also amazed that while i was sitting in the house crying, and trying to finally sleep (for now i can only sleep once i get to the point of absolute exhaustion because my mind finally stops going. that means 24 hours after i woke up), you were out playing basketball. it slapped me in the face that this was really over for you. you've made your peace with it and moved on. i want that too. i don't want to be here anymore. but i can't do that if you're still here. i don't know what's going to work for me. but i've got to try something.

forget him

ah mommy. if it were that easy, my stomach wouldn't be in knots everytime i reentered the scene of the crime (my house, by the way). i wouldn't have just gotten in the car to go get something to eat, sat there listening to "Beyond the Veil" by Darryl Coley on my ipod, driven half a mile only to turn back around because i couldn't figure out what i wanted.

when i usually feel like this, i call kyle. i've had to stop myself from calling him today too many times to count. for the last 6 years, i've called him when some guy hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when anyone hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when i was bored. he was the one who helped me through it. now he's the one who did it.

since my phone is always on vibrate, i rest it against my thigh while i drive. we usually talk on my way in to work since its the one time our schedules almost always collide. today i put my phone in its usual position, then glanced at it to make sure i still hadn't missed a call, just like i always do. then i remembered. i picked up the phone and threw it in my bag as the tears rolled down my face.

"it's because you're strong." i don't want to be strong all the time. i don't have to be. i know i'm strong but right now i need to grieve. not so much for the lost relationship but for our lost friendship. things will never be the same. whether that's for better or worse, remains to be seen, but for now i just feel lost.

this is why i've always held my male friends at arms length. we become great friends, even the best of friends, but we don't take it past there. why ruin a friendship for something that may or may not work out. but i took a chance with him. because i already loved him. and i was tired of looking in other men for what i already had with him. because i knew that if i married someone else, our relationship would have to change. because i knew that i couldn't stand him being with another woman who didn't appreciate his worth. because i loved him. and i knew he loved me.

and because i thought he wouldn't hurt me. but he did. and i won't say just like all the rest and i won't say i regret it because without experiencing anything, how can you grow? if you spend your life regretting, you are blocking your blessing. i know there is a reason this happened. i just don't know what it is yet.

i thought about not posting this but like rev. run said, we can't share the good things without sharing the bad. right now i just need some time to deal with this loss. my love, but more importantly, my friend.

5 minutes later.

my father is home. apparently him and my mother think i'm ruining my life by being bothered by this. he did bring up a good point though. if i haven't talked to him today, that means he hasn't called. damn... it really is over. i'll be back at work and in fighting form in no time. what a friend.

so that's it.

we broke up. i'll explain it all later but i just needed to let it out right now. quick math. one year, 5 months, 10 days down the drain. maybe along with 5 previous years of friendship.