5.21.2007

forget him

ah mommy. if it were that easy, my stomach wouldn't be in knots everytime i reentered the scene of the crime (my house, by the way). i wouldn't have just gotten in the car to go get something to eat, sat there listening to "Beyond the Veil" by Darryl Coley on my ipod, driven half a mile only to turn back around because i couldn't figure out what i wanted.

when i usually feel like this, i call kyle. i've had to stop myself from calling him today too many times to count. for the last 6 years, i've called him when some guy hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when anyone hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when i was bored. he was the one who helped me through it. now he's the one who did it.

since my phone is always on vibrate, i rest it against my thigh while i drive. we usually talk on my way in to work since its the one time our schedules almost always collide. today i put my phone in its usual position, then glanced at it to make sure i still hadn't missed a call, just like i always do. then i remembered. i picked up the phone and threw it in my bag as the tears rolled down my face.

"it's because you're strong." i don't want to be strong all the time. i don't have to be. i know i'm strong but right now i need to grieve. not so much for the lost relationship but for our lost friendship. things will never be the same. whether that's for better or worse, remains to be seen, but for now i just feel lost.

this is why i've always held my male friends at arms length. we become great friends, even the best of friends, but we don't take it past there. why ruin a friendship for something that may or may not work out. but i took a chance with him. because i already loved him. and i was tired of looking in other men for what i already had with him. because i knew that if i married someone else, our relationship would have to change. because i knew that i couldn't stand him being with another woman who didn't appreciate his worth. because i loved him. and i knew he loved me.

and because i thought he wouldn't hurt me. but he did. and i won't say just like all the rest and i won't say i regret it because without experiencing anything, how can you grow? if you spend your life regretting, you are blocking your blessing. i know there is a reason this happened. i just don't know what it is yet.

i thought about not posting this but like rev. run said, we can't share the good things without sharing the bad. right now i just need some time to deal with this loss. my love, but more importantly, my friend.

5 minutes later.

my father is home. apparently him and my mother think i'm ruining my life by being bothered by this. he did bring up a good point though. if i haven't talked to him today, that means he hasn't called. damn... it really is over. i'll be back at work and in fighting form in no time. what a friend.

16 comments:

Bklyn Diva said...

wow.. hugs lil sis.. I know its cliche but this too shall pass.. You will learn the lesson of this in about 2 mos when you begin to "heal" because right now its too fresh.. so you will continue to "grieve" then you will begin to analyze and then finally heal..

it will be ok young grasshopper.. and if its not you got big sisters like me here in blogland.. *lemme know if I need to go kick him in the shins* :)

*hugs*

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

damn dog. his bad.

the joy said...

Parents are there to say stuff like that. But losing a bff is harder than just losing some guy you were dating. No matter who's "been there," listen to yourself and don't be afraid to tell them to shush, cuz whatever they are saying won't make you feel better. Unfortunately.

Chris said...

I wish I knew what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I'm sorry this happened to you.

shani-o said...

You are such a champ.

And my dad's favorite thing to say when I ended a relationship: "Celebrate!"

I used to get mad, but looking back, he was always, always right.

jameil1922 said...

its like reading someone else's life. that can't be me. it would never be me. because kyle wouldn't do that to me. but he's human just like the rest of us. i just never expected to see this flaw. I KNOW SOME GOOD WILL COME OF THIS. that's how i get through it. its the only way.

to all the bloggers who offered to beat him up... i accept. :)

joy... i'm trying to take what i need and leave the rest. you know? my dad has made some horrible points. he has also made some of the best. grain of salt, right?

shani... i don't want to be a champ right now. but its who i am. its who i've always been.

Elle Willa said...

seriously... BIG HUGS. I've had my heart ripped asunder at time (or two). Feel the funk for awhile, then set it free. Every relationship is a lesson.

dreamyj said...

hey lady, just want to say i completely understand what you are going through and how you must feel. there were plenty of times after my last major break up that i wanted to pick up the phone and call him because he was my confidante and had to stop myself. it's hard to be strong at first so don't be afraid to cry, sometimes it is the best medicine.

oh, and on parents. my mom said some of the worst in my last break up. one that hit me hard was "well i guess he just wasn't that into you," damn...that felt like knives.

keep your head up soldier.

CNEL said...

“We are all molded and remolded by those who have loved us, and though that love may pass, we remain, nonetheless, their work… No love, no friendship can ever cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark." -Francis Mauriac

This time in your life is going to leave a mark. It'll let you know where you've come from when you do get to where you're going. Just take it slow, and let yourself feel. Whatever you do don't stifle what's happening cause it needs to happen.

Epsilonicus said...

All I can say is dont do anything stupid. Dont make me have to come up there.

Vdizzle said...

Up with shin kicks. Them bastards is painful. BK..give him one in each!

Good quote from Cnel too.

And if you haven't notice I don't want to say anything cause I know the healing takes time.

(BIG HUG...and some chocolate maybe...)

X Factor said...

You can't forget him, so don't even try. Anyone who has ever read one entry of my blog knows that I have maybe an inkling of what this is like. But your pain is just that: yours. Don't try to paint it beautiful right now. Mourn the loss because it really is a death, and you would be remiss (?sp) to not acknowledge that.

Honey-Libra said...

I'm sending you hugs cause I know how you feel. The moment when you finally realized that things have changed is the hardest...

But ummm if you wanna meet him in a dark alley I can find some folks :)

Omar Ramon said...

I'm going thru a similar situation. Cali and I were so close an it's hard to just ignore the absence of someone with whom you've shared so much. ugh.To avoid the meaningless jabber that my friends have to offer, i just put on the display of normal, unphased,witty, fun Omar. I still think about Cali fitty-lebben (country slang...it really sticks with ya) times a day tho.and it's been over a month. again, i say ugh.

Southern Girl said...

It sucks...it does. And I really just read your blog for the first time in like a month...been real busy....but I am sorry! I empathize..so I won't tell you to be strong, or to get over him....it hurts, and if there is a good a time as any, this is the time to grieve. I am sorry girl....

DollFace said...

Wow Jameil...
I know I've been gone for awhile but I had no idea

***cyber hugs****

I feel like your situation and mine are similar...so I can definately empathize with your pain. You will get through this