Oh G(eez)

Ladies and gentlemen, what is the worst line ever? Please weigh in in the comments.

This one has to be near the top of your list. "I need a massage." Can we get a group groan on that one? If you have ever in your whole life (this situation calls for exaggeration, does it not?)used this line, please immediately cease and desist. Seriously. There has never been a less effective line in the history of the world. It's so very 1999 for me-- the fall of my senior year of high school. It carried through via various lame line users until after I graduated. That means at least fall 2004. It has never worked like you think you want it to. Ever. You have to come better than that playa.

You know who said he needed a massage today. G(ym guy). Sigh. You are so pitiful. He invited me out with his friends for his birthday on Saturday. I hope not those friends. No matter. I have to work and therefore will be unable to attend. Boo comma hoo. Let me tell ya. Lol. However, I will let you be my free trainer. We have another workout (henceforth never to be called gym dates again) on Wednesday. After this conversation to make the necessary arrangements, he says those awful, ill-fated words, "I need a massage." *insert blank face* Yeah. Right. "I can't help you." "Why not? You got hands." I made them look arthritic and said, "I can't help you. You better talk to her." I gestured toward another woman he speaks to regularly.

We have another one, folks. I don't know what it is about me that attracts these insecure chicks. Well... I take that back. I am rather fabulous. Unnecessarily so. But I've said it a million times heretofore, I'll say it a million times afterward. "I *points to eye* don't want your man. AND if you had him, you wouldn't have to act like that." Don't come looking at me sideways over some man. It is never that serious. Get it together. When she pulled her pink feather boa-trimmed tote out of her locker I understood the dirty looks. You really don't understand my fabulosity. Nevertheless, there's no need. Trust me. (Did you read the date number 2 post?) You can have him.

Back to the matter at hand. Once again I'm going to have to plea for you not to use the massage line. Be. More. Creative. One time I was in wally world chatting it up on my cell and some guy said, "Can I have your number so I can call you, too?" I was so shocked I just started laughing. He almost got my number but I wasn't quite that bored. Plus I was on the phone and he wasn't that cute. Another day he would've gotten the number. "I need a massage"? Dead face. Never.

Did you see my post about skinny bread? Cracked me up!


Open Grove Claudia said...

You are so hard on the Gym guy. Yes, it's a lame line but... come on... Aren't interested??

Gosh... worst line... so many flood my mind, I don't think I can choose one over the others.

Lately, I get a lot of attention from guys when I wear my wedding ring (go figure). I get the, "I can take care of you" ew... ew.... So I don't wear my rings a lot anymore. Less trouble.

the joy said...

Please dude! I mean, that line worked for ME, but I really did need a massage, so, you know. I can't stand that can I get your number while you're on the phone crap. It really is hard being so fly.

1969 said...

I agree very LAME.

Men that resort to those lines don't have the ability or charm to pull a woman through conversation.

Playas....step your games up in 2008.

Sparkling Red said...

Nice legs! What time do they open?

Southerner in Suomi said...

I've had similar. I was on the phone in the mall and dude said "I wish I had your number so I can call you."

I said, "I wish you'd go away."

And pink boa lined bag? Sweetie, it ain't 1987.

shani-o said...

Yeah, I only like the massage line when I use it... and it always works. ;-)

RE: insecure chicks... well, maybe she just needs to grow up? I was, oh, 18 before I realized that my relationship (or lack thereof) with a guy has nothing to do with the chick over there.

shani-o said...

Also? You're about to have me on Twitter, lol.

Momisodes said...

Ugh...no he didn't? *sigh* That has to be one of the biggest turn-offs ev-ah! Unless I know you, know you...don't ask for a massage.

CNEL said...

Ummm, even I know better than that.

No, last night watching or should I say listening to CNN, multitasking of course, Tony Harris did a story on the book of this title, "The Mystery Method: How to Get Beautiful Women into Bed."

I have to go back to look at the transcript to laugh some more.

GreatWhyte said...

I use that line ALL the time... works for me!

Desy said...

OMG Jameil- you hit that right on the head. My only response to that question is 'That's unfortunate. Who do you know that could help you with that'- then of course you get the obvious answer, which is then met with this simple reply:'WHO? Oh, No abla englais to every response of 'you' until it never gets asked again.

Then of course there is the guy that chases after the color of your shirt
'Yo black- Black! Can I getcha number? Black!'

If you can bust out a line that cracks a smile in 2.5 sec- you're golden; OTHERWISE

straight face it is

proacTiff said...

I use that line and it works EVERY time. My HUSBAND gives the best hour-long full-body massages. Ever! So, the line stays in Pro's repertoire.

Now about free-gym-trainer-guy... I workout religiously and have been doing so for the past 5&1/2 years. Word of advice: Never dis badly the hands that SPOT you, my dear. If you don't want to have much to do with obnoxious guy, I suggest you tell him it's been real, but you can handle it from here. Not that he will do any such thing, but why be bothered. Plus he can direct his attention to pink-boa-envious girl.

Jameil said...

all: it always works when women use it.

Claud... no i'm not interested. i'd rather not put myself in the position to have to push off more of his awkward advances. ummm... gross on the wedding ring stalkers.

joy... group sigh for the fly!

1969... and i need just a little bit of charm, some charisma, something! pause on the cheese!

red... lmao!! sooo wack!!

v... lmao @ wish you'd go away! hilarious!!

shani... yeah i think i was out of h.s., too. i wasn't sooo overly concerned ever but post-h.s. i really wised up. she's at least 27 or just has an old face (burn). you should SO get on twitter.

sandy... word!!

cnel... ahahhaahahaha!! i bet that was classic!

desy... oh college! yo black black red red!! dude called my girl sprite one day b/c she had on green and yellow. i was DYING!!! too funny.

Pro... i'm wry to his face but he can take it or be out. i never do anything physically that i can't get myself out of so the spotting and him throwing something on me isn't an issue if that's your implication. he's not a bad person, just unbelievably corny.

Karamale said...

worst line:

"can a brotha my complexion holla in your direction?"

nigga wha?

Liz Dwyer said...

He's ridiculous! Someone tell him that lines like that only work on wack chicks that are just dying to be played!

I can't remember the worst line I ever got. It might be from the guy on the bus last Friday who only had one tooth in his mouth, but I'm trying to block that whole experience from my memory.

La said...


My personal fav...

When I was living in DC I was walking down the street typing in a number to dial. All of a sudden dude starts HOLLERIN' his number at me from ACROSS THE STREET. And as if that wasn't bad enough, when I didn't respond, he started "serendaing" me with Mr Telephone Man. Dead. lol

Jameil said...

kara... i hope you kept walking!! lmao. so ig.

liz... he's so pitiful. poor thing. i'm not even sure he knows that was a wack line. snaggle tooth is scary!! but so funny. lolol.

Sha Boogie said...

OMG!! The 'too cute for his own good' model guy, I semi-dated ALWAYS friking says that..and I hate it!! Hate. Hate. Hate it. I groan and delete. Because, yes he always sends it via text, ugh..

Adei von K said...

you know I don't like him anymore right? just for that massage line which is blatantly -under the pretense of being slick- sexual. boo on G.

Rashan Jamal said...

See, he should have said, do you want a massage. The old high school way to get a girl naked. LOL

Worst lines? I don't know. I got no game. It seems that anytime a man uses a line its gonna be considered corny.

Jameil said...

sha... texting it HAS to be worse than face to face!!

stace... so pitiful!

rj... either way. dead face. you can use a line as an in and be ok. but try it out on some folk first. put it on your blog or email me and you KNOW i'll let you know the deal!! hahahahaha.

yet another black guy said...

bad lines and lame friends, he's not really doing well by Jameil standards.