Chatterbox

That's me!! Oh my. It's been 4 WHOLE DAYS since my last post which means I have 700 million things to talk about. I used to get in trouble for this. Always talking in class. Then in middle school passing notes took over my life. 8th grade through high school, we graduated to notebooks. I had a notebook with my friend Gineen. We'd write a note (usually 2-3 pages) and pass it in the hall or at lunch or after school. She's in the media or public relations now, too. I had books with a couple of people, but in high school, she stands out.

How about I'm the most selfish person in America right now. With all the drama going on in my life (well just one thing), I totally forgot one of my fave college homies is preggers. I'M AWFUL!! Her mom called me to see if I could come to her baby shower and I gasped. I'm like I haven't spoken to her in a month and she's pregnant!! Granted she's only maybe 3 months pregnant and it's not unusual for us to talk only once a month, but still. Bad Jameil. Now we're playing phone tag.

Speaking of phone tag. May I tell you how excited I am about Wynel's wedding. One of my co-workers is bringing in several dresses for me to look at now that I'm a size 2... ow! Let's talk about my size. Black folk. Y'all are too funny. White people get SO excited when you talk about losing weight. My Black friends and family are all concerned. Like, are you eating? Do you want to be that small? Are you going to stop? FOLK!! I'm eating, the normal amount. I'm working out; and no, I don't want to be much smaller but just more toned. Yes, I'm still fly.

Back to the wedding. This is my first friend to get married. You know how we're at that age where you'd think I'd have a million weddings every few months? I'm sure in the next year or 2 I will be buried in wedding invites, but now? Not so much. A coworker is getting married at the Bellagio in Vegas and I can't wait!! I've never been to Vegas and La and Wise act like its the best thing to ever happen to their lives. I'll make sure to get the scoop from them before I jet.

The 4th of July trip to the 'Cuse has been cancelled. I didn't realize it was almost 6 hours away. For a 2-day trip, that's too much. Especially coming off of a 6-day week. I have also never seen the world-famous Zambelli fireworks which are based in this area. They did the Times Square New Year's celebration this year. I saw some of them from the road when they did one of the Pirates' games last year. I was so excited for days. BEAUTIFUL!! Can't wait. My dad won't be here. You know he doesn't stay around for holidays.

When I head to Miami for the birthday, which Stace and Dreezy are SO excited about, I'm going to Rosa Cha to fulfill another New Year's resolution!! I'm too excited even though the summer 2007 collection is not bright enough for me. I also need a suit for Wynel's wedding since she only lives 10 minutes from the beach. I miss the beach so much. The water was one of my favorite things about Hampton. It's a HUGE selling point. One of my friends from home just went for the first time and was amazed at the beauty. Ahhhh yeah! GO PIRATES!!

Back to Miami... so they told me we're going to all of the places Rachael Ray went to on Tasty Travels... well they said Tasty Travels but I don't see where she went to MIA, so maybe they meant $40 A Day. WHATEVER!! My mom called me a groupie... I'll be that! Rachael Ray is so cool. I think about her every time I'm in the kitchen. Is this getting creepy? Whatever. Suck it up. At least I don't have Beyonceitis.

AND as a final note. Blog loves, I need y'all to stop slackin on your pimpin. You are not hustlin like this. You're boring me. POST!!

"You Can Buy A New Couch!!"

"But what I'm 'posed ta do 'bout my legs, Charlie Murphy!!!"
--- Rick James in the Rick James skit on "Chappelle Show" (betta not bring yo kids!!)

Let the record show my father tried to kill me. But I'm too proud to let him know. Because then he will be walking around like a peacock. Like, "Ha! I showed that young whippersnapper." I called him when I got off on Sunday to say, "Hey, want to go on a walk this morning?" He said sure so I get home and off we go to the park. Two of the "routes" have two giant hills. We traverse up the first one and he says, "I want you to run backwards down that hill." Challllllllllllllenge!

So I start but then the hill is getting progressively steeper. Hold up! Then I start to worry. "Um... dad... I don't think this is safe." "Why not? All that can happen is you fall and skin your elbows." "What?! No. I'm too cute for skinned elbows." "Skinned elbows are a part of growing up." "When you're 5!!" Crazy man. I promptly slowed down and walked backwards down that ginormous hill, but at a brisk pace. Then we took another big hill, I paused to run to the swing set YAY!!! I'm tellin ya. If you're not letting out your inner kid, you've got a problem.

Then we walked up partway through our normal route when we go to this park and he says, "Let's turn around." I said ok quickly. He said, "I didn't have to twist your arm too much." I said, "I didn't want you to feel bad." Hahahahaha. He says, "Well I didn't want to get too far then have to send you for the car." Hilarious. Now at this point I'm already starting to feel my calves tighten up. By the time we get back to the house and he's cooking breakfast, I'm like, "Oh. $#%*!" I'm trying to think of every calf stretch I know. I'm pressing my toes to the edge of a wall with my heel on the ground. I went to the stairs with my heels hanging off... THAT'S ALL I GOT!!

Look folks, don't let the small stature fool you. I've never been an athlete. I don't like to sweat and I don't like to be outside. Sophomore year when I was hanging with my girl C, who was a high school basketball star and always schoolin guys who stepped to her, I kind of got over the no sweat thing and started working out with her on the regular. HOWEVER, my sister was the athlete. Tee-ball, softball, soccer, track, basketball, dance and cheerleading. No. Not the kid. And I thoroughly enjoyed having the house to myself while she was out lettering. I got my band letter and I'm good!! Lol. Band letter sounds so lame.

Yes, I worked out hard first semester sophomore year, but I crossed SGRho 2nd semester and didn't have time to go to the gym anymore. Junior and senior year it was very sporadic, though I LOVED the hap ki do class a set of twins (one Omega, the other Kappa) taught. I would always be nearly crippled after a class, only recovering in time for the next week! It was great. I never thought I would like martial arts, but hap ki do reminded me of dance with all the kicks. If I can do nothing else, I can kick!

I'm on this crazy schedule because the noon producer was off last week and the morning producer is off this week so I did the morning show yesterday and today. That means I work 10 p.m. to 7 a.m. HORRIBLE!! You have to sleep all day and as it is summer, when you wake up, IT'S STILL NOT DARK YET!!! Worst schedule ever. Yesterday I was strong. I'm walking around like I'm cool but I CAN'T WALK!! I wanted to go to the gym because I feel weird if I don't get there in 3 days (even if I've been on a walk) so I decide I'll go just for arms and abs. I'm looking wistfully at the track walkers and elliptical and even the hated bike. :( No bike for you!!

Today, my arms are like, "Word? The legs weren't enough? You want the full-body ouch? Whatever man, your funeral." They hurt, but a good hurt. A working new muscle groups hurt. My legs? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! When I tell you I decided not to even bother to try to mask the pain today, I walked around all day like "Oh. Oh. Oh. Ow. Ahhhhh! What I'm posed ta do about my leeeeeeeeeegs?!?!?" Oh I was crackin myself up!! And I looked a hot mess! It would be hilarious if I didn't have to hobble around and up and down stairs. By the way, down is worse. But I will survive!!! My mantras are crackin me up. I'm soooooo the self-help book of late. Positive affirmations and all that. It's great. Need some advice? I'm available! Lolololol. I just hope I can move in the morning.

Party Like a Rockstar

Y'all know I loved that song before it blew up and became everyone's song so I need you to recognize my gangsta. Recognized? Good. Moving on.

Guess who FINALLY got out of the house? Nope, not me. Just kidding! It was me! I called up my girl Lauren early in the morning and left her a message letting her know we would be going out and to prepare herself. She called around 9 and we decided to meet at Smokin Joe's on the South Side. They have 7,459,638 beers, give or take a few million. They say 300 bottles and 40 drafts and it looked it with the giant nearly floor to ceiling refrigerators. Yum! Vanessa, you do NOT want to go here, you'd never leave! I tried the East India Pale Ale. It was ok. Not my fave. Then I had a Yuengling draft.

We sat around and talked for a while, ordered some provolone sticks and chicken tenders. Then we headed down the street to Town Tavern. We see all these guys (40 or so) in camoflage shirts that say something like "Survival of the Fittest" on the back. I'm like, what is this? Summer camp??? So bizarre. So L stops some guy and asks him what the deal is. I can't hear him, but a dude introduces himself to me so I say, "What's with the weird shirts?" On the front there are no left turn signs.

He says, "It's Ben ***'s birthday." I couldn't understand him. I'm like, "Who? I don't know him." He says, "Ben Roethlisberger. Steelers quarterback." Ah.. no left turn. The motorcycle accident. Gotcha. But is it really necessary for there to be a gang of you dressed like the Von Trapp family singers? I think no. "How indeed do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you keep a wave upon the saaaaaaaaaaand. And how do you make her stay and listen to all you say..." Sorry. Y'all know how I am with songs.

So the guy tells me his name (which I immediately forgot as I do with all people I can't imagine speaking to again in life). Let me tell you how this dude looked at least 40 and had a brown striped polo shirt on under his tee. Stop. The madness. Anyhow, he says, "You're not from here, are you." What gave it away? Was it the royal blue baby doll top with the back sash from the Limited with flare-leg jeans and patent leather pumps (yes, they are my current go-to shoes)? The afro? The accent? The fly?

I replied, "No, I'm from North Carolina."
"Really?! What part?"
"Charlotte."
"I'm from New Bern!"
*blank stare because I've never been there or even met anyone from there (its 5 hours from Charlotte. Clearly I can be in Atlanta in less time).*
He asks, "Where did you go to school?"
"Hampton."
"Really?! When did you graduate?"
Dude is really excited. "'04."
*enter look of realization*
He says, "Oh. Do you know ---?"
"No."
"Oh. That's my niece. She came out in '05."
Wow... old dude.

Then someone blew a whistle and they started rounding each other up, just as I saw one more to my liking. One started yelling at the crowd of camos as L texted another co-worker to see where he was. Turns out he was in there, too. The camos exit via the front door and we find the other co-worker. And guess who he's with? The girl he supposedly broke up with a year prior who HATES ME!! I get sooooooooo excited. I LOVE when people hate on me for no reason.

The girl shakes my hand and says, "I remember you." She looked older so it took a while for me to recognize her (burn). Her friend didn't bother to shake my hand and just looked at me like I was the topic of a classic La post. To take after La, let's call her honey. So I'm dancing and they're steady over there whispering. HILARIOUS! Her man goes to fetch us some drinks and she's still hatin, then tries to do a lil two step in her jean skirt, tee shirt and old lady sandals. So unadorable. Anyway.

Somehow everyone goes in their odd directions except me and Honey. Wonderful. She uses the opportunity to slide up to me and ask, "So are you still with that guy?" "Nope. We broke up." "Oh I'm sorry to hear that." I bet you are. "Do you still not like Pittsburgh?" "Nope." "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that." Right. "I'm in a lot of different organizations so I get out a lot." Are congratulations in order? I say, "Are you from here?" "Yeah, but it's not like I've never been anywhere." Who asked you that? I say, "Oh. Where'd you go to school?" "Here," she responds then retreats to her corner.

Right. Here. Don't try to act like you've been somewhere when you are from here, went to school here and still live here. Get OUTTA here. Ridiculous. But let's not forget, I obviously must repeat this, I DON'T WANT YOUR MAN. If I did, I could have him, but I don't. I don't date my co-workers. Unnecessarily messy and I'm not interested. Plus he's more than 10 years older than me and not my type. More importantly, if you have to do all that over a man, then you have far more than me to worry about. Your relationship is obviously on shaky ground. You don't have to do all that with a relationship you are confident about. *yawn* Not my problem. But I do like to antagonize people so maybe we'll show up more often. What fun!

State of Black America Part IX: Let Someone In

Let someone in. Let someone in. That's a hard one, Wise. Because after years of being treated like an outcast or welcomed in only to be rejected in a few years, you just start to get to the point where you don't want to try anymore.

Let's back track a bit. This started with Nikki's post about the limited view of Black women in televisions sitcoms, dramas, dramedys, etc. How we are always the angry asexual, the man I need a man, or the video whore. I know they hate that phrase but the women who dance around and shake it in next to nothing while some man throws money at her and sings about what a whore she is should take a closer look at what she is doing.

Merriam-Webster defines whore as a woman who engages in sexual acts for money. While you may not be performing an overt sexual act on camera, you are giving the impression that you are more than willin. If your parents raised you right, you can't tell me you are not ashamed on some level of how you are presenting yourself. Because once you bend over in shorts that are now so short they become underwear, any semblance of intelligence is gone. No one cares how many A's you made in 3rd grade or the fact that you won the spelling bee in 5th grade or the college degree you have. All they now see is your backside and what it will do to entice them. And while you're doing that, you're also giving the next generation their view of themselves. Instead of thinking I can run the world, they think this is the way to make a man pay attention to me. By virtue of your scantily clad, mouth parted presence you are making a statement I'm sure you'd deny. But the reality is, no matter how you feel about what you're doing today, most people want more for their daughters, nieces and friends. Charlotte radio host Janine Davis started Girl Talk Foundation as a means of counteracting those very effects.

After Nikki's post, this conversation morphed into Wise's partial solution to let someone in. In it, Wise states that in some respects it's our fault white people don't know us. So let's get to a little Jameil history. We know I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood (see less than a handful of black families out of about 500 homes) but let's go a bit deeper into what that means. That means I also went to a predominately white elementary school. Almost all of my crushes prior to 6th grade (other than my mom's friend's son who I now know is at least 10 years older than me) were white. There weren't enough cute black boys to choose from. Not a problem. Except when none of them actually want to be your 3rd or 4th or 5th grade boyfriend and you've liked boys since birth (according to my mother).

No boyfriend? No sweat. I had LOTS of friends. Almost all of the white. Also, not a problem. I was one of those great products of integration. The child who doesn't see color. My mother worked hard to do what she could to prevent her children from feeling some of the pain she felt growing up. She wanted us to be color blind. Then in kindergarten, someone called me black and I was confused. I took a brown crayon and a black crayon and held them next to my skin and asked which one was closer. One of my first debating victories. I came home so proud. I later learned my mother was crushed. It's not that she didn't want me to know about and be proud of my heritage. It's that she wanted to shield me from any pain as early as possible. I think she couldn't understand why there was some white parent whose child was interacting with hers who felt it necessary to explain to a five-year-old that there are black people and white people. Why does a five-year-old need to know that if not for you to lay the early groundwork to further hundreds of years of separation, confusion and mistrust?

My mother responded by buying me a book about Martin Luther King, Jr. which talked about his own similar experience of black versus brown. That made me proud. I shared something with the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.! Except his story ended with him not being able to play with his white friend anymore once they got to school age because the friends mother would no longer allow it. It was time for them to learn their places. I went to my mother to ask her if she thought my friends would do the same. I mean, no way! She implied that it was quite possible and even probable. I didn't believe her anyway. Then I went to middle school.

There were a lot more black people, but I "talk too white" for them and having white friends was a BIG problem. The one black female friend I had from elementary school joined those girls and was suddenly too embarassed to be seen talking to me anymore. See, they learned early, while interacting predomintaely with black people, that the races should indeed be separate, and there weren't too many people around who wanted to change their minds. The separation of the races works both ways. Once you take all the black people out of their cocoon and all the white people out of their cocoon, you have two groups of people who can't relate to one another because the only images they have of each other are the ones they've seen on tv. The jigaboo, the angry black man/woman, the whore, the mammy. The ones with all firehouses, the ones with all the power. At some point, it's all going to explode.

Now my "friends" were less willing to talk to me. And every passing year, I had fewer and fewer friends among the people I was closest to in elementary school. Of course all of it wasn't the clash between black and white. I finally got my core crew of like-minded girls: none of us wanting to become teenage mothers, all of us already thinking about college and making good grades. That was my first group of black friends. In 7th grade. There were also the people who were into some strange things now. Our interests grew in opposite directions, away from each other. But there was at least one girl who told me I shouldn't come to her house anymore because either her mom or her step-dad didn't like black people.

Then there's getting ignored or followed (or both) while shopping. These things slowly chip away at who you are creating a new person. One who is a little more closed off, giving off the angry black woman vibe. Part of my vibe is just me being a bit uncomfortable around strangers at times, but another part of it (beyond not wanting to constantly field stupid black questions) is not wanting to let people in. I would have been a stellar only child. I have many only child traits but as I previously mentioned, all of it starts to wear you down or cause you to build up a wall.

Wise suggests counteracting the 3 black women effect by being nice to a white person today. :) Don't you love how I broke that down? Stop saying no when your white co-worker asks you to accompany them somewhere. Stop being so closed off. How's this for a great point from Wise?

"We expect that when we work hard we ought to be seen as whole and competent and intelligent and nuanced and complex and human. Just like any other woman. Problem is, we don’t care for the follow up. We don’t want you in our business bec we refuse to be exploited. We refuse to give you the satisfaction of thinking you know us."

Wise!! You think you know me!! But at some point all that guarding will backfire. Whether personally or professionally, for you, or for the other black people who come behind you, it will backfire. Trust and believe that some people will never, ever get it; but punishing yourself and the world (by denying it yourself) is not the answer. Constantly shutting out the world will get you nowhere but angry(ier) and alone. And I for one want to be no ones stereotype.

*was this state of black america or state of black jameil?

Don't get used to this kids...

I've now posted 4 times in 4 days?!?!?!?! Oh my!! Hey, before I get to the purpose of this post... let me ask you a question. Now, in Pittsburgh, there's some crazy thing where every time it hits 80, it pours within 48 hours, complete with thunder and lightning. What is that about?!?! I know the meteorological answers (warm and cold air masses colliding) because I have my own personal meteorologists at work! LMAO!! If they heard that they would give me the quick (hilarious) evil eye. I LOVE our weather people... well the 3 that I know. They are not nearly as boring as you might think a weather person might be. Excuse me, a meteorologist. :) But really, it is a bit strange/annoying (btw, when I write something like that, you are to read it "strange slash annoying" thanks. management.) that a warm day is always followed by a day of crazy, insane weather. Hail, broken trees, the whole 9. (Does anyone else remember that STL dance? A former college homie introed me to so much fun Southern music. Another STL college homie introed me to 36 Mafia... wow... No one can ever tell me that's not one of the most Southern places in America.)

Y'all... please tell me you've seen "The Family Stone." This is like one of the best movies I've ever seen. No really. I am very movie picky and I love this movie. It's one of my new faves. Rachael McAdams is in it. CLEARLY she's the star of one of my other fave movies, MEAN GIRLS!!! AND it's a Christmas movie. WHO doesn't love a Christmas movie? La. Scrooge.

I also spent too much money at the mall. Not too much as in I will be eating beans for a week. I haven't really been shopping for a long time (months). It's not as fun to shop alone. But I let Limited, Express, Nine West and a few other stores have it. I can't divulge allll of my secrets. I also bought mommy's birthday present. June 30th! She'll love it. Can't wait.

So... I talk to reporters all day everyday at work. Booooo. I want to be INTERVIEWED by a reporter :). So my Hampton homie T-dot hooked me up. Here it is.

1. Were you always a stylish kid or did something happen to make you into the fashionista we see today?
Honey please. I've been stylish since birth. If I didn't like what mom picked out, throw up on it. Fix that little problem right quickly. Hahaha. No really, my dad used to call me "Fashion Bug." One of many nicknames. I used to harass the mess out of my family with "that doesn't match." My mother gave up on dressing me by 2nd grade and let me do it myself. I always match. Even while sleeping and at the gym. I couldn't always afford the clothes I wanted and I keep myself from overspending on clothing, but it's always been there. And going to Hampton just heightened it. I'm so glad I went to a school where fashion mattered as crazy as that may sound. My friends are fashion nuts, too. Stace and I read In Style together on the phone. Cover to cover.

2. Share a moment with us that forever shaped who you became today. It can be sad, funny or just reflective. You choose.
GOOD question. I could be lazy and just pick one I've already shared. But I'll actually think about it. This won't be profound, but one day one of my Hampton homies, who shall remain nameless, lost her very expensive phone. She'd just gotten a new one maybe a month prior. I was so perplexed and concerned for her when she had to call her parents to get money for a new one. At that moment, it finally, really smacked me in the face how freakin expensive kids are. If its not a phone, its a field trip or a senior trip to Mexico, or graduation fees, or a new baseball bat or a dance recital outfit. My parents never denied us those types of things, though of my college senior trip my dad did say, "Do you want a car or a trip to Mexico?" The car won.

But at that moment, it made me really glad that at this point and not for a while yet, I don't have any school chiddlers (heeeeey Roald Dahl. I love that guy. Best kids author. Though I was a HUGE Ann M. Martin and Baby-sitters Club fan.) Even with someone to help you pay for those little crumb snatchers, KIDS ARE HARD!! Oh and with all the pregnant and recent mothers at work, I am DROWNING in baby talk. Drowning. Wow.

3. You're dying. What do you want for your last meal and why?
Ooh T-dot. You are smackin alll my faves. You know I'm a foodie. Alright. If I'm dying, I don't know if food will be that big of a deal to me. But if it is, let's say my mom's baked chicken, her friend Jean's mac and cheese, broccoli rice casserole, Boston Market cornbread, an Italian margarita from Olive Garden (yum!!), and some green beans. Might as well go with more than one veggie right? Die makin mama proud!!

4. You, too, are extra confident. What are you self-concious or less than confident about?
That I will not be 30 and alone. That is some scary ish to me! I'm kind of scared to be successful. Like that Nelson Mandela quote that our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. You know how some people have "it." There is something about me. I know that sounds incredibly vain but no really. My 2nd grade teacher's aide told me I was going to write a book. That long ago she told me that. She asked me to dedicate it to her. I haven't forgotten Ms. Bennett!! She was such a fun teacher. It's not that I don't think I'll be successful professionally, I'm just kind of scared of it.

Know what, though? I'm more concerned about my personal life. I've always been like that. Not concerned like I'm trying to track down a husband or thinking every man in the world could be "the one," but when the visiting professionals came to Hampton, they were always single or divorced. MESSILY divorced. And we would ask them, ARE THERE ANY HAPPILY MARRIED JOURNALISTS?!?! It was disheartening. And I don't want that.

5. What do you want your legacy to be?
Something amazing. I want people to say, "I want to be just like Jameil when I grow up!" and then I'll be very encouraging and say, "No, baby, you want to be the best YOU you can be. Aim even higher than me!" It will be great. I want people to say, "She is so cool. If she can do it, I can," then tell their kids and grandkids about it. THAT is a legacy.

It is still in the plan to go out tonight. I asked my homie Lauren to meet me out. Hope it happens! I'll keep you posted!

You Should Stop

Because you're killin people with all that flyness. I had on those shoes (minus the rest in the picture) with a black pencil skirt, a black and white polka dot blouson top, onyx earrings and a matching onyx beaded necklace my father brought my mom back from overseas. Fly.

I went to the gym. I'm tellin you. Put a magazine in front of me and I can stay on the bike and walk around the track for a long time. I wore out these two dudes who were eye stalking me. You know the kind. Stare at you for so long and so hard that you stop what you're doing and BAM! All up in your face. Whoa patnah. Slow ya roll. Allllll that? And no speaking... get it together. It was partially my fault b/c I had on spandex pants and a spaghetti strap tank top. I usually try to cover up a bit more so I don't stop traffic! Hahaha. I know someone is shaking their head at the vanity... likely my mother. What?! I can't help it. I stop traffic. It's all in how I carry myself. Ladies am I right? The dude you're most attracted to is not necessarily the most attractive, but the one with the swagger. Hello! I know there's a man who can witness to that, too.

I did about an hour of cardio between the elliptical, the bike and the indoor track. I had to finally make myself stop walking around the track. I would've been there all day. It's my weekend so it's not like I had anything to do but FINALLY go to the beer distributor. The other day my dad brought home a 6-pack. Ummm hello!! There are 2 beer drinkers in this house. You are trippin. It's funny when he hands me a beer then says, "Yo momma would tan my hide if she saw me handin' you a beer. 'James!' she'd say, 'Stop corruptin that girl!'" Ha! Yeah right. My mother knows far more about my college activities than you do. AND.... I'm just over a month from my 25th birthday. I'm getting very excited now.

Know how I wasn't? Yeah I'm over that!! The trip seems to be off though and I'm okay with that. I was pissed at first. I was like, "MY WHOLE LIFE IS FALLING APART!!" BUT! I have several trips planned. That's a definite upside to what we will no longer talk about. I'm not constantly planning my next trip to CT so I can do other things with my money and time. Fourth of July, I'm going up to Syracuse to visit my fab line sister. I'm going to make her go shopping with me either for a dress for Wynel's wedding or a bathing suit. I'm sure either way bathing suit will be on the list since I will need many for another trip. I'm going shopping tomorrow so I may find a dress while I'm out.

Then first weekend in August, I'm going to Wynel's wedding in Norfolk. Near my home by the sea!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!!!!!! I miss Hampton so much. I had a blast there. Then my birthday is August 23rd. My mommy says she wants to come visit me. Then August 31st, my vacation starts. Since I'm no longer going to Los Angeles (that means I won't get to meet Los Angelista :( how sad!), I've decided I'm going to sunny Florida!! Wheeee!! Especially since Stace's love Dreezy has been stalking me half to death about getting down there. I will see my beloved Stace (who's FINALLY back from Ghana!! Yay!), West Palm Beach, and MIAMI!! Can't wait! I'm already planning my trip. I've been to all these sites about Miami. I've never been before. It will be fantastic. Ya girl is good AND I'm going to try to go out FOR REAL THIS TIME!!

I Didn't Even Have To Use My A-K

"I gotta say it was a good day. Oh IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi."

I know y'all know that song. Hello loves! Maaan yesterday was a great day. And I actually had a good weekend despite the fact that I was working.

During my weekend (starting at 10 Wednesday morning, Thursday and Friday), I got my invite to my friend Wynel's wedding which will be in Norfolk, Va. I'm soooooooooo excited!! I can't wait to find something to wear. I already know which shoes I want to match my outfit with. It will be sooooo cute. "I know the haters don't like that!" Now if you can name that song, you will be forever on my "you are so fantastic!!" list.

Friday I was in a horrid mood. So bad that I called my mom to pray with me and give me a scripture. I also called Stace in Ghana. In case you were wondering, Ghana is expensive to call. We only talked for about 15 minutes. The card I bought was supposed to last 135 minutes state-to-state. Um.... but how does that translate to 15 over here? Perplexed and annoyed. Anyway, after mommy and I prayed, I went to the gym and felt MUCH better.

Saturday I went to work, then came home, took a nap, then headed to my co-worker's party for her son's first birthday. It was fun. I hung with some other co-workers and laughed, had some good food. Then I went home for another nap, then got up to go to work.

Sunday, I was soooooooo sleepy. I went to work again, then came home and cooked sausage, eggs and pancakes for mi padre for Father's Day. He told me our dinner on Thursday didn't count because it was a part of our regular Thursday dinners. UGH!! So why did you get to pick the restaurant?!?! Because we def. wouldn't have gone to Smokey Bones again. Trust.

Yesterday my show went fantastically well and I was fresh off of 11 hours of sleep. Beyond refreshed. I felt great. I went to the gym and worked it out. "work out, ah, a work out, ah!" Another spot on the list if you can name that song, too. Hint: it's from the earlier song that got you on the list the first time. Then I took my dad to this Italian restaurant called Pugliano's. I had tagliatelle (aka fettucine) alfredo with chicken, peas and mushrooms. It was ok. I've had better food from their restaurant. The wedding soup, though, was delish as usual as was the bread.

Today was not so great BUT I will survive! I'm about to go to McDonald's and negate all the work I do in the gym. I was going to go to the beer distributor (it's such a pain not to be able to buy beer in grocery or convenience stores), but I don't feel like it anymore. It will take a miracle to get me to McD's. And... I'm out.

OH!! Guess who's coming back to the country early??????? STACEY!!! YAY!!! So excited! She was supposed to be gone for a month but after 2 weeks, they gave up and are due back in just 3 fantabulous hours! Life's good!

Embargo

No more Kyle talk. That's done. It's over and a wrap and it's time to move on. A few posts back I got some horrific, unasked for advice from someone who, though possibly well-intentioned, has no business dispensing it. And it is still pissing me off. The only way to avoid this is to embargo such talk. All it does is rile me up and who needs that? Homie is moving on. No, nothing happened. But thinking about your ex does nothing but set you up for FAILURE!!! And I, Jameil il Fabulosa, do not fail! Should you feel the need to comment on the last interview I granted :) kindly keep your comments, questions and concerns away from number one. 'Preciate it. Holla!!!!!!

Probe

Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): probed; prob·ing
transitive verb
1 : to search into and explore very thoroughly : subject to a penetrating investigation

my alternate def: to pester in a manner as to inflict pain upon, whether physical or otherwise.

Although X has NOT answered my additional questions yet after attempting to play me, I will answer hers. I was going to skirt the answers, evade, perhaps be a bit vague, but La essentially called me to the carpet.

1. What would have to happen for you to go back to Kyle?
I kind of hate you for this question. Ok, I don't hate you, but I'm very, very busy pretending he doesn't exist and this question is not helping. It's almost like a 2nd job. We haven't spoken in more than a week now. That is a very long time for us. It's hard especially with Stacey unavailable in Ghana for a month. I lost my two closest friends in the space of a month. At least Stace will be back. I'm not so sure about Kyle. He would have to be honest to me and tell me to my face what really happened. I don't know that either of us want to go there. He doesn't think it would work out long term. In that case, there's no point and no going back. If you don't think it will work and don't want to make it work, it won't. And we're just in each other's way as the people we are supposed to be with orbit us.

2. You're dying. Do you plan your own funeral?
Yes. I've been doing it for years. I know it's weird, but I like funerals. I'm also very comfortable with death. Not so comfortable that I like it, but I understand it as a part of life. Sometimes it annoys my family, but they should know. And if they do something I don't like, I will haunt them. Lololol. Maybe not haunt them because how will I know and does it really matter? But I plan it anyway.

3. When you look in the mirror, who do you see?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. But I like who I see most of the time. Physically, I'm obsessed with my stomach since I do crunches more consistently now than ever before in life. Spirtually I know I need some work but am a bit afraid to make it happen. (I know that's retarded). Mentally, I'm stronger than I sometimes know.

4. You have a secret. You're in a serious relationship. You know that the probability of the secret ending your relationship is high. But you feel very guilty. What do you do?
Whatever it is, if its going to eat at me, it will eventually end the relationship anyway. I believe in the band-aid method. Just rip it off. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. That's why I wish since Kyle and I had to end that it would've happened earlier. Less attachment would make it easier for us to be friends right now. After a year, you are almost certainly setting yourself up for failure.

5. Do you question God?
No. Everything really does happen for a reason. I may not understand it now but one day I will and I will be grateful for the lesson. Same with regrets. If you're busy regretting, you're also busy NOT learning, negating whatever you just went through. How hilarious is it that you have me sounding like a motivational speaker? Very, I think.

Yeah... about that....

I was supposed to go out last night. Hines Ward was hosting some charity event at this club called Privilege (formerly Prive') in the Strip District. I called one of the work homies on Monday to see if she wanted to go with me. Of course she said yes. She's always down for whatever. I planned my day around it yesterday. I took a nap early. It was Daddy-Daughter Day and Father's Day week so I told Dad I'd take him to Jerome Bettis's new restaurant, Bettis Grille 36. BUT I forgot it was Pirates' game day and the restaurant is on the North Shore, right next to Heinz Field. Which is right across the street from PNC Park where the Pirates play. AND it just opened last week. Which means... it was PACKED.

Next. So we decide to head up 28 to Pittsburgh Mills. For some reason, my dad is obsessed with Smokey Bones, so we go there. May I say I'm quite impressed with how I'm learning to get around this city? Don't ask me to use any side streets unless they're through Oakland, but if I need to get to a highway, I'm good!!! Wheeeee! The further we go up 28, the closer we get to Oakmont Country Club where the U.S. Open is this year. Pittsburgh Mills is CRAWLING with golf fans. Ladies... your attire is beyond unattractive. Shorts OVER the belly button with a belt is so beyond not sexy it pains me to try to tell you this.

Dad and I head back to the crib after eating. I am getting sleeeeeepy. Uh oh. I don't hear from the work homie and I don't call. I turn out the light to lay down and say, "If she calls, I'll get up... maybe" except it's already 11 and clubs clearly close at 2. I'm such a loser!!

So! Be ye not disappointed. Since I did not go out, I will tell you about my best date ever.

We'll call the guy Jeff. We met at the club I now hate in Charlotte called Menage. For a short time it was the jump off for young black professionals. You know those people you'd be hard-pressed to throw a rock and hit in Pittsburgh. Ahem. Unnecessary. I see a guy I went to Hampton with who was always sooo nice to me. Jeff was with him. He was nice and funny so I gave him my number. He called... and I found out he was 30. I was 22. Yikes. You are elderly! My mom has always told me not to date anyone more than 5 years older than you because it's a generation (my dad is 9 years older than her). But my friend Tasha's parents are 9 years apart (same ages as my parents) and they get along great. Just depends on the people.

Whatever. I was just looking for a good time. We kind of tip toe around the age thing and decide to just go out. It turns out we have a mutual friend who was teaching in Japan. K was in town for a week or so, so everyone was meeting at this wing place in University (near UNC-Charlotte, clever name for the area right?). We meet there and there are a few more Hampton people there. We hang out for a while, but he's like ok this is not what I consider a date. Do you want to go out on Friday? I say sure. So he says think about where you want to go and we'll do that.

Friday night I drove to his place. He opened the door and looked appreciatively at my outfit. Score. Sorry guys, I have no clue what I was wearing, but trust it was fantastic. We headed to his car. He opened the door for me and we started the trek downtown. I'd been wanting to try Blue since I'd heard they had good live jazz. So we went there for drinks. I had a delicious cosmopolitan. I had also heard another Hamptonian ranting and raving over Fuel Pizza. It was right down the street, so I said why not? We went there to eat, grab a beer and it was delicious too. Score!

The night was still young, so he said, what now? Whenever I was bored in Charlotte back then, I would say, let's see what's going on in Bar Charlotte. So funny because all of the Bars are the same. Bar Norfolk, Bar Baltimore. Same and same. Wasn't my first choice for a night out then and definitely is NOT on the list now. But we went there and actually had a good time. I had another beer or two and showed off. I'm a great time at the club because I never stop dancing and I put on a show. It was great.

Then we went back to his place and watched a movie while I finished sobering up. Then he walked me to my car and I went home. Best date ever. So whatever happened to Jeff? Remember that male biological clock I was supposed to be writing about? His nearly exploded. He turned 31 in the month or two we were dating. He asked me if I could see myself getting married in the next year. WHAT??!?!? We've known each other like a week!! He's like "I have to think about these things. I'm gettin older and I want to be able to play basketball with my kids." Hey guy. It is really not my fault you didn't want to think about marriage until you hit 30. Don't try to rush me into making a decision about you and my future after a few weeks. His mom told him he needed to stop dating me because we were at different points in our lives. He took her advice and there it is. A month or two after that, I moved to Pittsburgh.

It's been 2 years. I wonder if he's married? Oh well! Next!

Don't Worry

My whole blog will not turn into a series of interviews. But Shani asked, so I will answer. I will post about my first night out as a single gal in 18 months! How's that for suspense?

1. We know, we know: you're tough. But has anything ever completely knocked you on your ass?
The latest breakup. But you know what? It's not the first breakup I had that shocked me and realistically, it may not be the last. They usually don't and I never care because most of my male-female interactions are short-lived, mostly because I won't compromise who I am.

Another thing that really, really shocked me is that I didn't get a job as soon as I graduated or even within a year. I had to really step outside of myself.

2. Where do you think your narcissism stems from? (I'm serious... mine comes from hanging out w/ Lauren.)
Me? Narcissitic? I have no idea what you're talking about. Ok. Wiki calls narcissism self love. I love myself because my mom taught me you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, and really before anyone else can truly love you. I used to get all caught up in what other people thought about me. It made me defensive and I may not have let on that it effected me, but it did.

Going to Hampton changed me because suddenly I wasn't one of a handful of Black people or one of a handful of Black people who was striving toward excellence and higher education. Most of us were there for that. (You know everyone is not there to learn!) The first day I looked out my window I gasped and said, "Mommy! Look at all the Black people!" Ridiculous and hilarious looking back but I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood. Out of 500 homes, you could count the Black families on one hand at first, now maybe 2 or 3, but I'm not there anymore.

Once at Hampton, I was finally around people who looked like me, who thought like me, and didn't ridicule me for being me. How can you not love yourself during and after that? I thought maybe my friends I met in middle school would be the only people I would ever really connect with. Two of them are still my roll dogs, which is amazing. I got to Hampton and made even more friends for life. When I have people around me who want nothing but the best for me, and I want nothing but the best for myself, fantastic.

3. What's do you love most about SGRho?
That no matter what city I move to I have a group of people I can call and I can almost always find a rollin partner among that group. I also am amazed at the relationship my organization gave me with my line sister. One of the best things to ever happen to me. We would never have gotten to know each other better because on the surface we seem so different-- I'm a bit extroverted (me???), she's very introverted, but a hilarious and fun person. We have a great time together. And that my mom and my sister are now BOTH my sisters.

4. What's your favorite joke?
Well, I love Molly Shannon and Will Ferrell. I'm a big SNL fan (it's getting much better again, I promise). I also love Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler. Bill Bellamy cracks me up (I know that's weird). I've always loved Sinbad, too. I just like to laugh. "Superstar" is one of my favorite movies. So, I guess I don't have a favorite joke. Just make me laugh.

5. If train A is leaving from San Francisco at 4:30 p.m. and Train B is leaving from Chicago at 7:20 p.m.; and Train A is headed to Ottawa, Canada, and Train B is headed to Jalisco, Mexico... which train are you on, who are you with, and what did you see while you were in San Francisco or Chicago?
I thought this was going to be math. How scary. I've never been to any of those places. I've never even been to any of those states or countries. I definitely want to visit them all, though. BUT I'm taking Train B with my homie Stace. In the Chi, I'll get some deep dish pizza, I'll see one of my Hampton homies, Christina and her hubby. I will also go see the Oprah show!! and the Sears tower. I will go to the club. I'll have to call another Hampton homie, Lovey, to find out which ones are the best. OOOH! House of Blues!!!

When I get to Mexico, the first order of business: tequila and FOOD!!!! I looooooove Mexican! Can't wait! AND I'm going to the beach with my Rosa Cha bikini. I can't believe you made me Wiki twice for one interview. Def. going to Puerto Vallarta since that's where Hampton's sr. trip was in 2004 and I didn't go. Stace, we're hittin a resort and we will have a blast. I will need to have Morganza with us, though because she can hang and our dear, loving Stacey... cannot. Love you babes! Ooh and we'll bring Ash, too because she's been there before. Know what? The whole Hampton crew, pack ya bags.

Ask and you shall receive

I said you guys could ask me some questions, too. Cnel came up with five more. Y'all so nosy.

1) Where do see yourself five years from now?
Wow. I have no idea. 3 weeks ago I would've said married. Now? Same. The view's a bit different but I can't imagine not being married at 29, almost 30, though I know plenty of people who are/were. On the professional level, I will be running something, calling shots. "Wanna be a... balla, shot calla!" Name that song. I bet Joy will be the first or La. I will probably be making documentaries at that point, too. Something about black people.

2) What constitutes the ideal friendship?
Honesty is paramount. If you're gonna lie to me, it's best we not talk. If you're going to expect me not to be honest, you shouldn't ask. I'm not going to try to hurt your feelings, but if you ask a question, I'll answer honestly. Do I think your boyfriend's a bastard? Yeah. You know you deserve to be treated better. Do you look fat in that? That does not flatter you. Go up a size. Etc, etc. I also need a friend who is happy for me. If your depression outweighs the happiest event in my life, then what's the point. You ALWAYS have something negative to say, I can't deal. Fun is near unparallel. I like a talker, but a listener is tres important as well.

3) What do you consider your best qualities?
My honesty, drive and charisma. I can come off a bit harsh, but when I want to be, I am quite charming. And I love to have fun! Who can beat that?

4) If you were not in journalism, what would you be doing?
Documentaries. But its still journalism to me, just in a longer form. I wouldn't want to be a documentarian (I don't know if I just made that up) who puts her opinion in every work. I just want to tell people's stories. I also wouldn't mind being a researcher or fact checker. But I would still need to be writing and calling the shots on some level.

5) What's your favorite drink aside from nasty a%% beer?
Beer is more cost efficient. You have to figure out what beer flavors you like. I'm not a fan of Coronas or Heinekens but the more I drink beer, the less repulsive they become. I can't stand Coors Lite and Miller Lite is worse. Blech. I'm a fan of Honey Brown and Yuengling.

I love margaritas. I also like tequila sunrises. (sense a pattern?) Soco and lime is a yummy choice, too. Amaretto sours are good. Don't get me started.

5 Questions

I know, I know. I'm not normally the one to do these, but I'm tired of talking about the relationship that wasn't. It's over, let's move on. I will let some of the rest of you interview me in the comments. These are from Los Angelista.

1) When you were a kid playing hide and seek, where was the one place you could hide where no one would find you?
Hmmmm.... that's a good one. You know how you had home base and you could run back to home base and win? That was always my strategy. As long as I wasn't as readily found as at least one other person, then I'm GOOD! I'm running back and winning that sucker.

2) You get an invitation to a costume ball. Who/What do you dress up as?
Ok my mother never let us do Halloween so I've always wanted to be a cat (think catwoman suit but with ears and a tail, tres adorable). BUT depending on the crowd, that may not be appropriate, so I also like to look very glamorous/dramatic. Maybe a Tina Turner (short dress a must) or Diana Ross (big hair and sparkly dress with high slit, a must).

3) What made you decide to pledge? Do you ever wish you hadn't?
I'm a legacy AND I'm from the south, so I'd been around sorority events all my life. You know Greek life is huge down there, grad and undergrad. There was no way I wasn't going to pledge. However, contrary to popular opinion, I didn't just pick the one I was most exposed to. Hello. I know I come off as stubborn. It's because I can be. I'll make my own way. I actually did some research and couldn't see myself as any of the others. It will sound nasty if I say why and there are some neos (newbies) on here who are easily offended so I'll just leave it at that.

I don't wish I hadn't. All orgs have their issues which is the hardest thing for neos to understand. There is a certain amount of disenfranchisement with any organization you join, Greek or non-greek. You have these perceptions of what it will be like, but its different, because there are a million personalities and reasons for joining (some of them bad), so you don't understand why everyone doesn't have the same goals as you. The older you get (this sounds hilarious because I just celebrated 5 years, but I tell you even 2 years after joining your org you feel infinitely older than a neophyte. 5 years, you feel ancient), the same things don't matter as much. You begin to accept people for who they are. It is a preparation for life. (I could go on about this for a long time).

I also have my line sister to help when I'm feeling terribly pissed. I would never have been close to her without Sigma Gamma Rho and now I can't imagine my life without her. She keeps me very sane and is one of my closest friends.

4) Luda and T.I. both ask you out on the same night. Which one are you going to go out with?
LMAO. Sigh. If I had to pick one I'd go with T.I. I guess, though I saw this Youtube of him threatening to kill some college kid who threw a something at him and was thoroughly disgusted. I think Luda is probably smarter, but the whole Oprah thing really pissed me off. I mean, seriously, do you REALLY think Oprah should care about hip-hop enough to regularly feature rappers you talk about bitches and hoes and nigga this and nigga that and hoes in different area codes? Oprah is a ridiculously successful GROWN WOMAN. That is not her audience and if you want to come correct, then do so, but whining is not the way to do it. AND I saw him on SNL and it was one big black joke after another. VERY offensive. It was like a minstrel show. Particularly a skit called "The Bitch Slap Method." Still confused about Oprah's decision? Why'd you get me started? Lol.

5) What five songs are on the soundtrack to your life?
"Though the Storm" Yolanda Adams
"Someone to Hold" 112 (gotta have them, I LOVE that group)
"Get Low" Lil John (reminds me of my crazy crew in college!)
"Brown Skin Lady" Black Star
"I Put A Spell on You" Nina Simone

*If you'd like to be interviewed or want to interview me, leave it in the comments.

If you haven't been here in 3 weeks...

You've got some serious catching up to do. I notice a lot of people are coming out of the woodworks with some head scratching and whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa's??? So. Kyle broke up with me (he doesn't tell his friends who did the breaking up. Isn't that convenient? Makes him look much less like the bad guy).

I'm back from Connecticut. It was a very awkward trip. It started out well enough because Ashli picked me up from the airport. Yay!!!! We headed to the mall. I tried on a skirt in Express. It didn't really fit in the waist. I said, "I'm sure I can't go down a size, though." She said, "Just try it on." I did, then gasped, came out of the dressing room and said, "Ashli!!!!! I'm a size 2!! I'm a size 2!!" Gym, I will never forsake thy name again. Plus this girl at work just gave me a new workout plan. Can't wait to try it so I can get more toned. I don't want to lose any more weight. I'm not sure I know how to do that, though. But hurray for working out.

Then we headed to her new condo. It's tres adorable! Omg. The living room is chocolate brown and teal with a suede chocolate brown sofa and love seat, teal throws and chocolate and brown and teal throw pillows and art. The kitchen is teal, grass green and turquoise. Her bedroom is beige, cream, pink and peach (I may be leaving out a color but its gorgeous, too). Love it. Very Ashli, very modern.

Then we went to her parents' house so I could meet the new niece. Cute baby! Just 2 months old. Awww. Ashli's sister cooked spaghetti with meat sauce. Yummy. We also had garlic bread courtesy of Shop Rite... and the college bartender re-appeared! Yay!! Ash made me a peach-raspberry margarita. MMMMMMMMMMM! Tequila, margarita mix, Chambord (delicious raspberry liquer), and peach nectar. Wow. Yum in a margarita glass.

After dinner, we went back to Ashli's house. The plan was to go to Room 960.... but we fell asleep. I woke up, called Kyle, who originally told me he couldn't drink or dance because of his foot. I'm like, "Well, what's the point?" He decided he'd take me anyway. I got dressed: black patent leather pumps with 3" stiletto heels, jeans, sleeveless black and white polka dot shirt-dress with a low cut v-neck and a green sash, green leaf earrings, black patent leather clutch. When he finally pulled up behind us, it smacked me in the face how little I wanted to see him. Ashli commanded me not to cry so I took several deep breaths, then got my bag out of the trunk.

He said, "HI!!" excitedly. I, depressingly said, "Hey." I walked up to the car, put my bag in the trunk as he hobbled toward me. I didn't hug him and I saw his face fall. He hobbled to the door. I heard the bouncer say $20. We already knew the place was closing in an hour. I didn't understand why Kyle had on regular shoes. He didn't want to wear the air cast. Wth? You don't think the air cast explains more than you hobbling like a nut job? I'm like I'm not paying $20 for an hour in some Hartford club. We turn around and he says, "I'm sorry I ruined your night." Yeah right, not going to 960 ruined my night. Seeing you ruined my night. I'm not ready for this.

We head back to his house, watch part of the MTV Movie Awards, I drink a couple of Heinekens and read the "Tyler's Ultimate" cook book he gave me. We fell asleep without so much as a hug or a peck on the cheek. Never doubt my will power people. I refuse to be the back and forth girl. You want to be with me or you don't. I will not allow you to act like nothing happened. You want to cuddle, hug, kiss, get a girlfriend or something else. You wanted your freedom, you've got it.

I won't go into crazy detail of everything that happened because it's painful, but the next day we went to see "Knocked Up." It was funny and pretty good. I definitely said, "This is why I will never have a one night stand. Because that's how you end up pregnant by some guy who has no job." Horrific. Then we came back to his house and made chicken parmesan over spaghetti. After that, we went to his friend Courtney's house because it was his birthday, and to watch game 1 of the NBA Finals. It was VERY awkward because of course Courtney was there and another guy Reggie, both of whom I've seen just about every time I've been to Connecticut, including my birthday party and our anniversary party. The birthday party was at Courtney's house. So I started hitting the beer. Much better.

Headed back to Kyle's, he puts on the Evolution of Robin Thicke and I get pissed. I'm talking switching songs, getting out of the car, slamming the door, stomping up the stairs, into the apartment, throwing my stuff around, pissed. He says, "What's wrong?" Really?!?!?! What's wrong?!! You really don't know? "Why did you play that cd?" "Because I wanted to hear something mellow and its my favorite R&B cd right now." I hate you. I gave him that cd. "To the Sky" was our song. And you thought it was cool to play it? What a jerk.

The next morning I told him I couldn't see him anymore. Amazingly, he asked why not. "Because I thought we were going to be together forever. Last night you told me you broke up with me because you knew it wouldn't work out long term." "I didn't say I knew. I said I thought." "Well you felt strongly enough about it to end it. And if you don't want to be with me, and you're obviously ready to move on, then I have to move on as well. And I can't do that by seeing you and you telling me you still love me. And this is so awkward." "I didn't think it would always be like that. This is so final."

What do you want from me? I didn't ask that again, but I don't understand what he expected when he broke up with me. While I was there he sounded so disappointed that I wouldn't even let him hug me without permission. I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And right now, I'm not sure I can be your friend. I still love you and I have to stop. I can't do that when I'm seeing you. Did you think I'd still come to Connecticut every other month? Hug you? Cuddle with you? Empathize with you over every event in your life? I have to let you go like you decided to do with me.

Alright, Alright!!

My line sister practically threatened my life for an update. I know you guys were wondering, too. So here's the latest.

The Facts of Life
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have the facts of life... the facts of life. Daddy. See what happens when I praise you? You say something foolish. Still working on moving on, right? He's like, "When you look back on this time, you will wish you spent more time on yourself and less time worried about him." Interesting. I guess two weeks is too long to think about a 17 month relationship. Makes sense. Especially since all I've been doing is thinking about him, not doing anything productive like learning a new system at work, reading, working out, researching graduate programs, and even going back to church. You're right. I should be working on myself more.

Another gem, "I know you're a strong woman and that's good, but sometimes you have to play the game." What? So you want me to pretend to be someone I'm not to get a man. Yeah right. Dad. Come on. YOU KNOW ME. Or maybe not with that comment. My mom was like, "Yeah, we know you're not gonna be anyone but yourself, Jameil." Thanks mom!!

Chu'ch!
My search for the perfect church continued this weekend. I went to the famed Mt. Ararat Baptist Church, Pittsburgh's mega church. They have 4 services including a 7 p.m. Saturday, and 7:30 am, 9:30 and 11:45 a.m. Sunday morning. Once I got off work, I tried to go to St. James A.M.E. which I mapquested, then spent at least 20 minutes searching for, but no one had even heard of. Huh? So I pulled out my Mt. Ararat directions. Turns out the pastor wasn't there because he's the new president of the Hampton Minister's Conference. H-UUUUUUUUUU.

Fantastic sound system (lol), good choir, pretty good message, stayed on topic though she did go on a tad longer than I felt was necessary for what she had to say, out in a timely manner despite the fact it was communion Sunday (you know how your preachers like to go on and on on 1st Sunday). It was a bit too big for me. The place was packed. I'm wondering if its packed like that all the time for all services. I think it is. Also, some lady asked me if I had a home church. I said no (I don't count the one at home since for now I have no plans to live in the Charlotte area again). She asked if I'd like to join today and offered to walk down with me.

What?????????????

Why, praytell, would I do that when I JUST said it was my first time at the church AND your pastor isn't even here so I don't know if I'll like him. AND I don't know how I feel about joining churches. Plus I'm still looking around. X said not to compromise so I'm going to make sure I get the right fit. Since we're off early this Sunday, I'm going to go back to hear the regular pastor at the 9:30 service. I'll let you know how that one goes, too.

Brrrrrr... it's cold in here I said there must be some Torros in the atmosphere
There is absolutely no excuse for it to be 44 degrees this morning. Some communities in our viewing area? 30s!!!! What?? Yo. I should never have to drive to work with the heat on in June. I don't care where I live. That is wrong and shouldn't happen.

And now the (possible) drama
A month ago, I bought a ticket to Connecticut. I'm still going... today. I'm waffling between terrified, nonchalant and everything else in between. Let me tell you. It's fun. This will be my first time seeing him since the break-up. I likely won't be going to Connecticut again. Unless Ashli gets married there.

Speaking of China Girl, she's picking me up from the airport and we're going shopping!!!!!!! Yay! Y'all know I don't have anyone to shop with so this is muy exciting(o). We're also going to this bar called Room 960 (I think). I will also be getting my California Pizza Kitchen. Yum. Can't wait for that and to shop. Seeing "him"? Not so much. I'm probably just making it worse. But I'm a thinker so this is what happens. Stace called me methodical. I'll take it.

Ooh! Stace is in Ghana for the rest of her life (or a month... feels like forever. BUT! Monday I got 2 cards from her and they made my day. She's fab. Her bf also sent me the number for a phone card so I can call her. How great is he? And they are the most adorable couple. Anyway. Flight leaves around noon. He finally has a computer now so I may blog again before I get back. We'll see.