Gym Beefs

*this is an angry rant. if you are offended by harsh language, come back in a few days*

You know what? I hate you. Yeah you. The one who comes to the gym to socialize. I'm fly by my damn self ok? I don't need your validation. And I don't come here to make friends. I know that sounds bitchy and counterproductive for the girl who has not a single black female friend in Pittsburgh and would like to find one but OLD PEOPLE, MEN, I AM NOT HERE FOR YOU!!!!

And you know how women are. You can't go up to someone and just start talking. You can't be like, wanna be my friend? This is not the playground. It is not 8th grade or 4th grade by the monkey bars. I was sooo that girl. I had a million friends. Playing by yourself? I'll save her! Right Stace? Hahahaha. My only Capt. Save-a-hoe activies. I will not be the one to help out folk who don't want to help themselves, but in elementary school I was the one. Hahahahahaha.

Back to the gym. Yesterday I was PISSED!!!! This old white dude with I SWEAR inch long eyebrows. They were far beyond the average eyebrow line. He looked insane. AND he had on red daisy dukes. I'm disgusted by your attire. Apparently his whole coalition was there. Two people were on the ellipticals next to me, the other three including this giant man I have never seen actually on a machine or even walking on the track, only talking loudly with people actually working out, were standing around. STFU!!! I am not here to listen to your conversations. Take that ish outside. I'm gettin pissed all over again. THEN some woman who's hair was far too long for her age (she was like 35 with hair halfway down her back. you look ridiculous with hair that long after about 30. sorry about that. see ann curry when she was growing out her hair for an example of what does not work.) with too many earrings for her age (no lie, 5 per ear in progressively smaller hoops, WHO DOES THIS ANYMORE????? I know I'm the consumate fashion critic and all but seriously this is not the projects circa 1993... AND YOU'RE AT THE GYM!!) decides to talk OVER ME to the dudes all 65+ congregating on the ellipticals next to mine.

I was daydreaming while I was going to sleep last night about snapping at them, "Do you mind?" Know why? Because then when I got off the elliptical, do you know when I went to the stationary bikes ONE OF THESE ASSHOLES (eyebrows magee) decides to FOLLOW ME!!! GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN AKA EYEBROWS MAGEE!!! so pissed. I was seething. Just because I'm listening to my ipod doesn't mean I can't hear you, you yelling arse bastard!!! I put in a good 30 minutes total on the elliptical and bike but I did cut my time short because I couldn't take them. And they were everywhere!!! When I was doing my crunches, two dudes went up to another one and told him not to park in the one dude's space again. WTF?!!! I wanted to know where his space was so I could purposely park there. Rude bastards.

While we're talking about the gym, let's talk more about inappropriate clothing. I am not requesting you to be as fly as me because I mean, come on. But is it so much to ask you to match? Same color family? No? Well how bout you don't wear this color anymore: its a brownish mustard color. I don't really know how to describe it but I've seen far too much of it. I describe it as "ass ugly don't ever wear it again" or "regurgitated insides." Its disgusting and seems to be popular in menswear. This color is following me because I also saw it when I saw Kyle at the airport for like five minutes. Horrific.

Also, thou shalt not wear cutoff shirts, jockey shorts and combat boots. I can't make this up people. *shudder* I was going to say men should not wear it but women shouldn't either. Saw a woman in jockey shorts 5 seconds later and was equally appalled. Please don't. So grossed out. I also hate the people who feel the need to bare their stomachs. No matter what your stomach looks like, this is a bad move. If your body is nice, you're just showing off and pissing people off. If your body is a mess, you're grossing us out. Just cover yourself.

Old ladies in the gym. Why are they so willing to bare all? It's really nasty. And everytime I'm looking down while getting dressed trying to avoid eye contact with the wrinkled skin all over creation, I wonder if I'll be that old lady one day. Will I just whip off my towel in the middle of the locker room while some 24 year old cowers in the corner? I don't know. But for now, I'll just continue to cringe and pray daily today is not the day I have to see another one. Please. I don't ever want to see you naked lady no matter your age. Just stop. Thanks.


Madam DLBG said...

OMG Jam...I'm DYING over here! this takes me back 2 my days of working at Washington Sports Club!! LMBAO!! I would DREAD the barenekked old ladies. and they would always choose the lockers furthest from the showers, meaning they'd have to walk the entire length of the locker room nekked...oh, I felt a bit of throw up moving up my chest at those memories..

Dreamlover said...

I'm sorry but your gym sounds WHACK!! I have never heard of such a thing before in my life, hahaha.

And you cracked me up with the story about the man telling his friend not to park in his spot again, wth?

I'm sorry your gym sucks!!

Chris said...

you ain't right.

Tasha said...

Damn. Your gym sounds insane. I would have been the one to open my mouth and end up getting kicked out lol.

CNEL said...

I'm dyin cause this is utterly ridiculous.

But I'm not even mad at you.

1) I hate ignorant people that invade ppls personal space.
2) I hate ignorant people who think frequenting a place, gives them free reign.

I'm not a fashionisto but know even I'd be offended at the wardrobe.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...


Jameil said...

madam... cover yo nekkid arse up!! right?? the vomit is righthere!!!! lmao.

dream... sigh. you've never heard what? the yellers? the naked ladies? all very de rigeur for gyms. AND it was 2 dudes going up to another dude telling him not to park in some other dude's spot b/c apparently he had been yelling about it. GET OUTTA HERE CRAZIES!!

chris... what?

tasha... it is insane. next time i will say something. bastids.

c... word!! go home to your personal gym if that's what you want b/c right now you're pissing me off!!! love how you said fashionisto! hilarious.

ace... hahahahaaha

Toni "Turtle Dove" Phoenix said...

Thou shalt not wear cut off shorts... I second that.

Adei von K said...

JAMEIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am DYING over here at your rant!!! tell em why you mad son!!!!

yo, old men hollering as a form of conversation, i'd pull a grade school move and tattle on them. this isn't the ice cream soda fountain hangout from your days of youth so shut up.

the old ladies. i was cringing for you. you are soooo animated!

SimplEnigma said...

All I can say is "Amen." I think you've summed it up quite nicely. I go to the gym 5 times a week, and although I see the same people all the time, I don't know their names because I go, I work out, and I keep it moving. LOL.

And why is it that it's always the folks that don't need to who walk around naked in the locker room??? Here I am with my nice tight butt and petite proportions modestly wrapped in a towel and granny is practically mooning me tryna rub lotion on her ankles.

Amen, girl...Amen.

Ms.Honey said...

YES!!! Why this man was in there yesterday and might I add that he was African American LOL...and he had on these tight daisy dukes and looked like he had a wedgie WOW...please leave the ball cutters home....then they be trying to talk to you while you're watching tv or listening to music..I don't know you so back off! WOW

That Dude Right There said...

That's why I go at 2 in the afternoon. They gym is damn near empty and I don't have to wait for equipment or look at anything atrocious.

But the worst is this old white dude with the flattest ass I have ever seen. He has the nerve to wear tights or biker shorts with a sweat shirt. Then he stretches like he is actually going to work out and his little balls start to show. Then he walks around just staring at people while they work out. The first time I saw him, I fell off of the elliptical machine cause I was laughing so hard.

Don't Be Silent DC said...

AND he had on red daisy dukes.

I've seen a few men wearing red daisy dukes while out and about exercising. I'd yell "who wears short shorts?" and they'd ignore it. Nasty.

That's why I cannot go to the gym...squeezing into that closet they call a changing room at tae kwon do is bad enough. I try to do the over-under bra-sports bra thing, but if I'm wearing a cami I have no choice but to take it completely off. Some women there don't care about whippin their breasts out, but I do.

As for the men trying to start conversation...I don't care if it hurts their feelings, I let them know I'm not interested and tell them to go away. I'd rather be hateful than lead someone I'm disinterested in on.