DADT Strikes Again & Again

Rashan and his siblings (really his entire family) have a well-documented policy of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' aka DADT. Essentially don't start none, won't be none. If you stay out of my business, I'll stay out of yours. He might talk to or see them quarterly. As someone who talks to her mother 5+ days a week most of the time, I found this policy not only ridiculous but downright outrageous! For the most part, I let it go while we were dating. The only things I insisted upon were that he told his family about me when it was clear this was a serious relationship and that I meet his family. He had no problem with either of these things. I was quite nervous, he was very chill. I wanted to make a great impression (of course!) and he felt no need to seek their approval. He didn't care if none of them liked me. He loved me. Side eye to him not caring but he was serious on that point. Fortunately for me, the one who cares, they all love me!  And I find them wonderful!

I've mostly continued to let them have their little ways but I can't say it hasn't begun to grate on me again.  For instance, my brother-in-law and his family moved down to Savannah last month. I asked Rashan, "Why are they moving down there?" He says, "I don't know." I say, "... Are you gonna ask?" He says, "No." To condense this conversation considerably he doesn't know why they're moving down, WHEN, where they're living, what jobs they have, basically any pertinent information you would ask if a stranger was making a move let alone your family... I can't with them. So I take it upon myself to accept my role as somewhat of an outlier (the one who chats up everyone and has complete and utter disregard for DADT) and ask all the questions I wanted to know. And what do you know? He gave them to me without a fuss. Not difficult, right? Right.

These last few weeks have been rough. It is excruciating for me to watch my family have fun and bond WITHOUT ME via facebook. I hate when people have fun without me!!! Especially when our youngest niece, who's now almost 3 treated us like strangers at our wedding and now she'll know everyone but us!! We're now the only people on his side not in Savannah. Yes, I am actively seeking employment in Georgia now!! (Among other places...) And now they're sharing secrets! And juicy news!

Around the time BIL and crew moved, Rashan gets a facebook message from a guy he went to high school with. We'll call him S. S & Rashan were close enough for Rashan to be in S's wedding in 1998 but their communication has been essentially nonexistent henceforth. They're facebook friends and that's about it. In the ensuing time, Rashan's gotten married, S has gotten divorced. So when S sends Rashan a facebook message, it's absolutely out of the blue. Even better, it's out of the blue to say, "News flash. Did your sister tell you that we were getting married?" Rashan reads it and is like "WHAT??? What am I supposed to say to this????" Did we even know you were dating??? That would be a no. I'm like, "Ask him if it's a joke!" Rashan can't think of anything to say, decides to wait on it then decides he's waited TOO long and that he also shouldn't ask his sister or the dude because if she wanted him to know, she would tell him.

I wrote a letter. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

Dear D. A. D. T. ,

I hate your stinking face.


I'm incensed! HOW CAN YOU NOT WANT TO KNOW!? Or worse, how can you want to know but not enough to break this foolish code????? Rashan tells me I can ask but I'm like how crazy do I look going to her with now third hand information? Your alleged fiancé told my husband you're getting married? Is this true? Must we share such information via facebook and second or third hand at that? Can I at least get a text message? A smoke signal? Carrier pigeon? Nah? *shoulder slump, slinks off*

Fast forward to last night. S updates his relationship status to engaged. Minutes later, her page says she's engaged to him. I'm about to blow a gasket. (Do I have a gasket?? Mayhaps. If not, I grew one for the purposes of blowing at said moment.) "RASHAN!! CALL YOUR SISTER RIGHT NOW!! DO SOMETHING!! THIS SHALL NOT STAND!!" "She's your sister, too. Send her a text." Whyyyyyy??? Why can't you even call/text her right now??? Whatever. Not a moment longer!! I immediately send a text and acquire all of the details. Rashan thanks me for being his go between and gets the ill side eye. In some ways I think he's closer to my family than his own. He's far more likely to get into my sister's business than his own sister's. He'd probably prefer not to know either but following my sister on twitter makes that a moot point. I suppose we take our cues from each other within reason. Allow me to sigh again. SIGH!!!

In the midst of our rapid-fire texting, SIL says, "Told [S] about our DADT policy [yes... they even call it this amongst themselves... ugh] and he didn't believe me. Thought if he told Rashan that he would say something to me... Totally won that bet."


They both thought that was HILARIOUS!! *scowl* Also, how did NONE of his family say anything about this!?!? In any capacity??? More DADT. And thinking, "Surely she must've told Rashan by now." Except... she never did. Basically Facebook did. I told Rashan right then and there, you need not think another shocking text/fb message/ANYTHING else will pass without me doing IMMEDIATE follow-up and/or reconnaissance. Down there in Savannah keeping secrets. I SHAN'T HAVE IT!! But I would be wrong if I were to DADT getting pregnant, right? I'm just gonna tell you now that when the day comes I'll be really REALLY tempted to slide in some sly message that tells a fraction of the story. I don't know how you tell a fraction of a pregnancy but I'll figure it out! How about "I'm p..." then don't finish it. Then announce it on facebook. OR after weeks with no asking what "I'm p..." means (DADT), I finally say, "Pregnant with possibility. False alarm." Would they even care??? Doesn't matter. DADT or not, all bets are OFF!!!


K. Rock said...

Yeah this kind of stuff irks me too. I want details! And although my hubs is not as far removed as yours is, I still have my fair share of frustration. It seems like he wants the details without having to get them. Or maybe he just really doesnt care what his family is doing. Ion know. I think from now on, you should continue to follow up with the details of juicy items, then dont tell Rashan any of them. Laugh or gasp loudly at incoming texts from your SIL and then if he asks about them say "Oh it's nothing." That'll teach him...

Trish said...

This is a mess!! My family has a tendency to gossip but I try not to get in it. It is funny though that my mom is selective about what she gossips about. She will tell you something that you have no interest in, but something good, you have to hear through another sibling! I don't get it! Good thing you are now in the family, you have to break the DADT curse!! Lol!

Unknown said...

WOW. I'm somewhat of a private person so I understand the DADT policy, but there's is a bit extreme. That would drive me INSANE. You cant keep important news like that a secret. I would have blown a gasket also. LOL

Unknown said...

Oops I spelled theirs wrong.... OH WELL!

sayitlikethis said...

DADT is a hot. ass. mess. But, it sounds similar to Mister's family. They aren't close at all. If I go 48 hours without talking to my mom, she's calling out the dogs!

Sparkling Red said...

That's simply ridiculous. It certainly makes sense to avoid subjects that are likely to trigger conflict, but exchanging basic life information should be an essential function of family interaction.

ShaBoogiesince1982 said...

OMG! That is hilariously fantastic! is this policy written up somewhere? When did they decide? haha! Of course you'd be the one to break the code..*side eye*..lol

Jameil said...

k... i'm gonna call that bad advice! i'm going to maintain my superiority by finding out what i want to know directly!

trish... my family is all in the biz! my mom's gossip issue is that she'll tell one of us two or three times and the other one 0 times. 6 months later it's like, "How could you not have told me that?!" LOLOL DADT is as good as dead with me around.

the goddess... they considered it not a secret b/c he said something on fb... -_-

sayit... I wouldn't necessarily say they're not close. They're not close in that way at all.

red... i'm inclined to agree! clearly!

sha... it is a verbal contract that they maintain as though it were a legal document! tis CRAY! it's been around at least 16 years!! As long as his oldest nephew! They knew I would change the family... but they had no idea.

MrsTDJ said...

My DH and his family don't actually call it anything, but they try to behave with foolishness like this. I could change the names in your story and it would be my in-law family. ***deep sigh*** Like you, I've been the go between and the info seeker for YEARS. I'm used to it now, but it used to make to CRAZY!