ah mommy. if it were that easy, my stomach wouldn't be in knots everytime i reentered the scene of the crime (my house, by the way). i wouldn't have just gotten in the car to go get something to eat, sat there listening to "Beyond the Veil" by Darryl Coley on my ipod, driven half a mile only to turn back around because i couldn't figure out what i wanted.
when i usually feel like this, i call kyle. i've had to stop myself from calling him today too many times to count. for the last 6 years, i've called him when some guy hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when anyone hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when i was bored. he was the one who helped me through it. now he's the one who did it.
since my phone is always on vibrate, i rest it against my thigh while i drive. we usually talk on my way in to work since its the one time our schedules almost always collide. today i put my phone in its usual position, then glanced at it to make sure i still hadn't missed a call, just like i always do. then i remembered. i picked up the phone and threw it in my bag as the tears rolled down my face.
"it's because you're strong." i don't want to be strong all the time. i don't have to be. i know i'm strong but right now i need to grieve. not so much for the lost relationship but for our lost friendship. things will never be the same. whether that's for better or worse, remains to be seen, but for now i just feel lost.
this is why i've always held my male friends at arms length. we become great friends, even the best of friends, but we don't take it past there. why ruin a friendship for something that may or may not work out. but i took a chance with him. because i already loved him. and i was tired of looking in other men for what i already had with him. because i knew that if i married someone else, our relationship would have to change. because i knew that i couldn't stand him being with another woman who didn't appreciate his worth. because i loved him. and i knew he loved me.
and because i thought he wouldn't hurt me. but he did. and i won't say just like all the rest and i won't say i regret it because without experiencing anything, how can you grow? if you spend your life regretting, you are blocking your blessing. i know there is a reason this happened. i just don't know what it is yet.
i thought about not posting this but like rev. run said, we can't share the good things without sharing the bad. right now i just need some time to deal with this loss. my love, but more importantly, my friend.
5 minutes later.
my father is home. apparently him and my mother think i'm ruining my life by being bothered by this. he did bring up a good point though. if i haven't talked to him today, that means he hasn't called. damn... it really is over. i'll be back at work and in fighting form in no time. what a friend.