7.09.2008

When Pregneeshas Attack

For some reason I used to call most of the pregnant women I was around, "Pregneesha." It started with Morg, then continued with my preggers former co-worker Michelle and I'm pretty sure I called one of my current (15 more days!!) coworkers that, too when she was knocked up (most hilarious phrase ever) with child... I was surrounded by pregnant women at the doctor today. Picture me in a room with the home alone face, eyes popped, mouth gaped open in shock, eyebrows to the sky, then spinning in a circle. Yeah... that's how I felt.

This one woman was DRAGGIN!! Her ankles were the size of grapefruits and her wrists the size of softballs. When she came out from her ultrasound/sonogram (IDK! I don't have kids!), she's looking pissed and the dad's beaming. Her daughter is due any day now and will weigh,

wait for it...


wait for it....


9 POUNDS AND 14 OUNCES!!!!!! This is where if I was still cursing there would be a string of expletives. Starting with the daddy. Here is the clean, albeit dialect-filled version.

"NEGRO, WHY IS YOU SO PLEASED??? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WHO HAS TO PUSH A BOWLING BALL OUT OF YOUR BODY??? BECAUSE I WANTED A CHILD AND YOU GAVE ME SOMETHING SO LARGE I WOULDN'T EVEN BOWL WITH IT. I USE AN 8-LB. BOWLING BALL AND NOW I HAVE TO PUSH ALMOST 10... TEN!!! NEGRO IS YOU LISTENIN, 10 POUNDS!! OUT MY BODY!! WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YO FACE!!"

Lol. I will really try not to be an evil pregnant person in 5-8 years. What? I know y'all didn't think there would be any special announcements! No indeed! All those uncomfortable Pregneeshas I saw today? Pass. Y'all can keep that. For those of you who have children, tell me this, what kind of preggers person did you think you'd be and what kind where you?

Oh and no need to bother to tell me how wonderful it is when the child gets here and blah blah blah. Yeah I'm gonna go ahead and wait for the hubs (husband) to find me, then wait some more, then think about pushing ou... ugh. I can't even finish it. And why did this chick check in and say her birth date was in 1987? I tried to keep the shock off of my face. I know I was born in '82 but DANG!! I thought, "People born in '87 can have babies now??" And I realized she's 21, but then she also had a little one in tow who looked about 2. Better you than me kid, better you than me. No and thank you. *shudder* Why does 21 seem so young now??? I really am getting old.

26 comments:

Sparkling Red said...

While my decision not to become a parent wasn't entirely based on avoiding the miseries of pregnancy, I'd be lying if I said that had no bearing on my decision. All the medical procedures seem barbaric to me. Press the ultrasound wand into my full bladder? Stick a needle right into my spine? And many other unspeakables? NO WAY! :-p

Opinionated Diva said...

lmao @ this title. Nut in a half...you are!

I don't mess with the preggos...although I did get pissed when one woke me up during my pre-work nap to ask me for my seat on the train, when there was a perfectly AWAKE dude sitting right next to me. I was pissed!!! Still am.

9 pounds and 14 ounces...hopefully she is scheduled for a c-section birth.

21 has always been young...except when I was 21. When I was 21, I was already fully grown.

Glad to hear you went to the doctor though.

PCD (Pretty Circle Drawer) said...

21 IS YOUNG! anyhoo, i won't lie...i was one evil heifer when i was pregnant. i had a lot to deal with...couple that with strict bedrest, a hubby who can't cook, not being able to drive, having a special diet AND not getting my hair or nails done for 5 months straight...you'd be a monster too!

and HEY! i was a ten pound baby and my mom pushed me out just fine, thank you very much! with no anesthesia :-P

Sandy C. said...

9 lbs 14 ounces?!?!?! Okay, so you really want to know what she looked pissed? Because she has a near 100% chance of needing surgery to get that child out :(

LOVE your post title! When everyone around me became preggo, I thought there was something in the water.

I was also single and childless for 6 years working in a newborn nursery. Once I had a patient that was 14 pounds at birth. I swore I would never give birth to a child, EVER...

La said...

NINE POUNDS FOURTEEN OUNCES?!?!?!?!? WHAT?!?!??!


There is no way I would give birth to that.

None.

21 is young. But its especially young to have a kid. I know I was an idiot at 21... and I was extremely smart, lol. Being a mom at 21 is not my idea of a good look.

Especially if the demon you gave birth to weighs 9 lbs 14 oz. No. Ma'am.

jameil1922 said...

red... the medical stuff is CRAZY!! ack!!

diva... i'm just sayin! man i woulda been HEATED at the man more than her!! why did she have to ASK!?! did you give her the seat?? man i hope so too b/c i would NOT wanna push that out. 21 is SUPER YOUNG!! you weren't grown! lol. drs are so necessary. unfortunatement.

pcd... hahahaha. i knew you would be! but bed rest is that garbage!! 10 lbs!?!?!? no ma'am.

sandy... AWFUL!! but i'd rather have a c-section for something that ginormous than have to get sliced up elsewhere... i just threw up... JUST THREW UP!! i was at the dr. like WHERE'D THEY ALL COME FROM!?!?! 14!?!?!?! i can't!! *throws down mic* THAT IS A GROWN MAN! That woman carried then gave birth to a full grown man. i can't.

jameil1922 said...

la... you slipped in. that's what i'm sayin!! she was PISSED!! i was way too stupid at 21 and i don't even know if i'm child-ready now!! and i KNOW i won't EVER be ready to give birth to a bowling ball! son/daughter!!! YOU ARE TOO HEAVY!!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

woman i know
a woman when pregnat is a bad muther shut yo mouth lol

Rashan Jamal said...

LMAO @ Pregneeshas... I knew a girl named Pregneesha. LOL

I say knocked up too, people for some reason don't like that term. i crack up.

LOL @ the faux curse out sessions.

the joy said...

I bet you there's a person in the world today named pregneesha. I'd put money on it. Its hard to grasp that people who were born in the 90s are becoming adults. I'm not ready for that. Kids in my family run big. I was 8lb 5. So 9 didn't really do much. But did you hear about the lady that had 2 8lb twins? No maam! That's 16lbs of baby!

Sorry if this posts 2x

La said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "bowling ball"

DollFace said...

I would have LOVED to have heard the unedited version!

Zackory Kirk said...

LOL...

CNEL said...

WoW. That's intense. I remember last semester one of my friends was pregnant but I didn't know til she was like seven months. I had much respect for her though because she graduated on time, and had a dream job.

However someone asked me if I had a kid the other day. I said, "I'm 21 bout to be 22 and what would I do with a kid?"

Desy said...

I thought I was the only one that felt that way about 21 that wasn't far from it!!

I was a c-section (mom had medical issues)- however, I was an itty bitty baby... she wasn't trying to have all that

I could MOST definitely see that speech coming from you (meanwhile stuffing a waffle fry between each sentence)...rofl

Sha Boogie said...

Hilarious! I would like to think that I'd be a nice pregnant person, but.......

I get cranky during 'that time of the month' -- so I shudder to think!

1969 said...

I wasn't evil at all. In fact< I think the nicest I have ever been was when I was pregnant. I am totally evil NOW.

SimplEnigma said...

Yeah, I'm good too...LOL. These stories certainly don't stir any maternal feelings in me either.

Yawl chil'ren of the 80's make me feel old. :(

Emeritus said...

cuz girl, 21 IS young. i'm 1987 too (20 yrs old though/late baby) but that transcript was cracking me up. "negro is you so pleased?!"


LMAO. that made my night.

abritdifferent said...

That was hilarious. You know what though? As cool as technology is, sometimes it's way off. My doc told me that Ian would be well over 8 pounds. He was 7-3. Bah! Stick that in your face TECHNOLOGY. Sounds like she's still looking at around 8 on the upper side though. Poor dear.

I can laugh because it's not me...

Adei von K said...

wow. that's EXACTLY what I said, "children born in '87 are having kids??" then you do the math and they can also go the same clubs we go to.

boooooo...

10lbs.

i can't even finish.

i KNEW PCD was a mean preggie!

I wonder what I'll be... wait. the way I get when i'm hungry, you already know! poor drew.

pink said...

idk how i feel about young kids and babies. i mean i dont think that its cute for a 21 yo to be runnin around with chillins but at the same time people would have somethin to say if shed had two abortions...smh i digress. but how in sam heck did you come up with the word pregneeshas?! lmao.

everythingiseverything said...

chile you went on the wrong day or maybe you need to a dr. who is more gyn less ob!

jameil1922 said...

torr... i'm not at all understanding what you're saying.

rj... you probably dated her. you know you like them girls w/crazy names. knocked up is hilarious! i'm sayin i don't curse but i still know how to get the point across!!!

joy.... noooooo!! no pregneeshas!! i'm not ready for the babies having babies and i certainly don't want gargantuan babies! who carries 16lbs of child at a time?!!? too much!!

la... i'm sayin! that's what it is!

doll... hahahaha. sorry. that jameil has left the building.

cnel... pregnancy is scary. what would I do w/a kid!?!?

desy... no 21 is mad young for some things. not a waffle fry! stop trying to make me a hugely fat pregneesha!! lol.

sha... hahahaha. i know, right?!

1969... wow! i can't imagine you being an evil preggers person anyway. i wanna know what liz was like! lol.

SE... how could you feel maternal after that??? you're barely 30! what on earth?? lol.

emeritus... it sure is! he was EXTRA excited. lol.

shuv... 7-3 is manageable. 9-14 is not. that is FRIGHTENING!! poor dear indeed!!! I don't wanna laugh b/c i'm not even close to starting and don't want the same thing to befall me in the future!!

adei... man you're gettin old! 10lbs is HUGE!! pcd is SUCH the "you KNOW she was evil when knocked up" kind! lol. poor poor drew. but he'll love catering to you so i don't think he'd even mind.

pink... oh no i def. never wanted to be a near-pre-pubescent mom. i used to think i wanted to be a 23yo mom until i hit 21 and realized how young even 23 seemed to me! i don't even know where i got pregneeshas from! lol. the craziness that is my mind!

everything... i'm leaving pittsburgh anyway so it's whatever.

Mademoiselle M said...

lol not to make you feel even older but i'm turning 22 in a few months and I feel old! Imma be an old maid in a few years.. ugh.

Anywhoo, I can't wait to have kids (but I am of course) yet I still can't imagine giving birth *shriek*

I know I'd be a moody and b*tchy pregnant woman. I'm a moody person now... I will finally have an excuse for being extra emotional (whatever end of the spectrum it may happen to be at the moment)! Oh and I know the food cravings will be ON. I'd kill a man who gets in my way of chocolate now so I can't imagine what will happen when I'm pregnant.

Open Grove Claudia said...

Oddly, birthweight has more to do with morning sickness than anything. If a woman doesn't have/get good nutrition in the first trimester, the baby packs it on in the last two. the inverse is also too - too much nutrition in the first trimester, lower birthweight. At least that's what I've read.

My oldest sister is 5'6" (in heels) and all of her kids were 10 pounds + - she was hospitalized with each pregnancy in the first trimester due to dehydration from morning sickness.