12.16.2009

Chitlins: A Christmas Story*

So one year more than a decade ago, my mom decided she wanted to learn how to cook chitlins.  YES.  Chitterlings.  Pig intestines.  I was wary because they sound so scary!!  I'd been around them at random times but never during the cleaning... until this night.  My friend's grandma and mom came over with a bucket 'o chitlins.  (I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to use entire words fo' anything concernin' chitlins... see what I mean?)

Anyway so they come over with this bucket and I'm thinking, "One day I might want to be one of those Southern moms who can cook all the best down home foods so I better get in that kitchen and learn, too!  And since my mom will be making it, this may be my first time eating it!"  Until they opened that bucket.   

OH HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK NAW!! 


Sweet 6 lb. 7 oz. baby Jesus!  I KNOW you didn't live and die for us to eat such foolishness on your birthday!!!!!!!  Why did it smell like straight up, not rinsed, pure-tee PIG FECES in my momma's kitchen!?!!  And not so slowly the smell spread through the entire first floor of the house.  SKRRRRRRR! U-TURN!!!  I can't.  I can't and I won't.  I ran upstairs to my room to escape the horrific things happening in there.  And almost didn't want to eat anything else to come out of that kitchen that night... but I was hungry... and the rest of it was still my momma's food and therefore awesome.  Did I mention the fact that they didn't smell that much better cooked?

WHY WOULD YOU EAT THIS IF YOU'RE NOT A SLAVE?????????????  You'd better believe I was not havin' ONE DROP of those chitlins.  You go THAT WAY with that plate of poo.  *shudder*  I'm getting all grossed out again just thinking about it and still have never tried a chitlin.  And I'm so straight on it.  EW!!  And it didn't help hearing the tale of someone's grandfather saying, "Chitlins ain't no good unless they got a little bit of boo boo in 'em!"  *PROJECTILE VOMIT*  I can't for the life of me remember whose grandpa that was so I'm going to just steer clear of funky food.

*Okay full disclosure, I can't remember which holiday it was for.  All I know is there were a lot of people at my mom's house.  I was too scarred by what followed to remember the details.

17 comments:

Ladynay said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

One year my aunt and I tried to surprise my grandmother and cook her up some chitlins. Why did we wash them in warm water (big no no)? Why did the stuff we found amongst the intestines gross us out? Why I have I been turned off since that day?

I sampled chitlins one time before then and I wasn't a fan of it so that experience was just confirmation for me! LOL!

Someone's grandpa just made me ill *gag*

LOL@you guessin' the birth weight of Jesus. You have issa's!

Therapeutic Musings said...

Oh goodness this was too funny! My daddy made chitlins once. I wnated to die every time he reheated them. I don't think Jesus gives chitlins the stamp of approval for his birthday menu.

Rashan Jamal said...

Dude. this was a nasty story. Makes me wanna projectile vomit like on Family Guy and The Cleveland Show.

LOL @ the bucket o chitlins sentence. You got to be playing Mississippi blues music while talking about them too.

Nerd Girl said...

Not sure how I'm going to explain to my husband that I was fired for laughing at this foolishness. Hilarious!

Not allowed to use entire words? Sweet 6 lb. 7 oz. baby Jesus? Why would you eat this if you're not a slave?

You slay me!

Sha Boogie said...

OMG!!!

Hated it.

Chitlins' is nothing but nastiness disguised as nastiness!

Ms. Behaving said...

LMAO @ this post!!!!

Ditto on your thoughts about chitlins...

That's just one thing on my list of PLENTY that you could pay me enough to try.

Adei von K said...

LMAO!!!

"I ran upstairs to my room..." has my DYING!!!! and I bet you weren't being dramatic, you were FOR REAL!!

I hear the horror stories and still can't believe people get down like that. "Plate of poo" HAHAHAHAHA!

and whose grampa...? ole nasty

Not so Anonymous said...

ok, looks like I'm alone on this one...I like chitlins..not love. What's even better, but sligty similar are hog mogs...not dirty like chitlins, but just as yummy, lol. They do STANK, though.

pserendipity said...

Did you have to direct the plate of poo traffic? WHYYY???? I am dying.laughing.

Trish said...

I remember my first encounter with cooking chitlings. I didn't cook them but my grandparents were and on CHRISTMAS! My siblings and I were so mad and terrified of smelling like them that we waited on the porch in 15 degree weather!

Sparkling Red said...

Mercy! That is one of the funniest things I've ever read.

My ex-in-laws in Indianna were rumoured to eat chitlins, but fortunately they didn't bust any out during my short visit. I have eaten tripe, but there's no boo boo in that.

Jameil said...

lady... ewwwwwww!! you tried it and didn't like it? i really TRIED to try it that day like i had my hand going toward the pot, hovering nervously, but the smell reminded me of the poo and i couldn't do it. I think I said no like 7xs in a row. grandpa is disgusting. you think more or less for Jesus?

tm... SO NASTY!! Jesus says no to chitlins!

rj... who are you telling! i was just thinking about cleveland show vomiting over his dad's lost watch. ROTFL!! the blues are a nice touch. lol

nerd girl... lolol. just read it to him. he'll understand.

sha... right!??!

ms. b... I WANT TO SEE YOUR LIST OF FOODS YOU WON'T/WILL EAT!!

adei... lolol. i was SO SERIOUS!

nsa... wow... what part of FLA are YOU from? Live Oak? Lake City? Quincy? Lol. Never had hog maws either. i'm more open to that tho!

pserendipity... it had to be done!!

trish... YUCK!! UNMERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!!! Girl I was terrified of smelling like them and that my house would smell like that all day!! SO SCARY!! Hence the running upstairs!

Jameil said...

red... lol. i couldn't believe i'd never told this story. i'm willing to try tripe if i haven't yet. i saw it on a menu & rashan wouldn't let me! lololol. tripe soup at a mexican spot. next time! i'm all over it! they make that on top chef!

Not So Anonymous said...

I'm not from either of those country bumkin towns, lol. I'm from the great city of Bradenton, baby!! hahah...i'm totally overselling the place...i don't even like it there.

You'll try tripe, but not chitlins...what? lol

Jameil said...

nsa... hahahahahaha!

tripe is stomach! there is no poo in the stomach!! also they cook tripe on top chef! i will try just about anything they cook on that show! i will pass on chiltlins made by rachael ray! YEP I SAID IT.

S said...

I am surprised no one has mentioned mountain oysters yet!! When I was growing up, the chitlins' and the mountain oysters were a duo. I never ate either one, but suffered as my dad did and loved it! Ew. ew. ew.

Anonymous said...

lol! jameil you're priceless. Have a very Merry Christmas and the most wonderful New Year you can stand!!