Daddy Droppin Wisdom

My dad has said some questionable things in the last week. That's his way. I guess that's everyone's way. With most people, for every gem or every few gems, there is some really off the wall, out of the way, out the box, nonsensical, ridiculous (get the picture?) comment.

But he's also said some things that were really amazing. One definite good thing that came out of the demise of my relationship is me actually sitting down and having a conversation with my father outside of our Thursday Daddy-Daughter nights (apparently since I don't mention them every week, people think they've gone to the wayside. nope. if we're both in town, we go). I'm not really up a whole lot when he's home, but we've been having some really in depth conversations which have let me into a different side of my father.

Although my mother encouraged it, my father and I never really talked about relationships very much. I don't know why. I was never shy talking to my mom about sex or relationships or anything for that matter. She always made it clear if we had any questions we should come to her so we don't get bad information from our friends (apparently I came back from a sleepover in 2nd or 3rd grade with some sort of insanity involving how babies get here). My sister did not take her up on that offer. I did.

My father has also let me into his thoughts on marriage and cohabitation. On marriage he said, "What makes marriage special is going through the leaps and bounds together. You're young together, grow old together, increase your financial stability." He was 35 when he married my 27-year-old mother. He said he was very set in his ways and that he believes the older you are the harder it is for you to blend your life with someone else's. Which makes sense. I just never thought of it like that. I also never thought to ask my father his thoughts on marriage since my parents are divorced. I guess a person with a failed marriage can also know a thing or two about what makes one work.

I was also watching my new crack, Run's House. I love that show. Run and Justine's family is so beautiful. They're fun and funny. Seeing their joy and love improves my outlook on life. It inspires me not to give up. And oddly enough, I was watching the Re-run with Run's daughters Angela and Vanessa doing commentary and Vanessa said something that resonated with me when it comes you achieving your goals. "Sky's the limit. Rock out." I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT! I'm notorious for my ambition and I'm going to make it happen. Everything.

I've also actually started another one of my new year's resolutions. Hm. I thought I put find a church on there. Tsk, tsk. Well that was one of my goals. I went to a church this Sunday recommended by a co-worker. Yeah... no. Not for me. Too small, bad sound system (hush, you have to have goals), too many songs, off-topic preacher, etc. etc. But I was glad I went because it inspired me to find one I DO like. I will be a church hopper until I find the church that's right for me. That means good choir, preferably somewhere close with multiple active ministries, but most importantly, a preacher who makes sense and does not ramble. I can't stand the 30+ minute sermons that relate in no way to the Bible and use 7 different topics. FOCUS! I am accepting suggestions.


everything for a reason

when i was deciding to go to college, i had a choice to make. i could continue to be with the same people i'd been with for the last 13 (k-12) years of my life, or step out on my own. i applied to carolina because i'd been to project uplift, drank a bit of the kool-aid and said maybe. but i continued my senior year in advanced placement and academically gifted classes surrounded by ignorance (stupid black people questions) and said i can't do this. i'd also applied to hampton because my mom went there. i was heavy into hbcus in my search but i knew i didn't want to go to n.c. a&t or n.c. central because those schools are notorious for accepting anyone AND i knew i had to get out of north carolina. spelman wasn't an option because i CANNOT go to a school where there are no men in the classes. i just need eye candy. across the street isn't good enough.

once i got to hampton i had to go through DRAMA to get to my final dorm, Virginia Cleveland Hall. VVVVVVVVVVVVV-C! CUUUUUUUUUTIES! LOL. that was for my hampton heads. but once i was there i made some fantastic friends who were there for the long run. one of them is wynel. by the time we got to senior year, we were still cool, still had fun and invited each other to parties etc., but we weren't as close as freshman year.

in the three years since graduation (WHAT?!! WHEN DID I GET SO OLD?!! i should stop... my mom just celebrated her 30th HU reunion. 2nd generation hamptonians stand up!), wynel has become one of the people who best understands me and my struggles. bloggers, you have helped immensely. that's why i shared this with you, as hard as it may have been. it was a coping mechanism (and because rev. run says you should). wynel took it to a whole new level tonight. i don't know how much its going to cost me for that 3 hour conversation when i had no minutes, but it will be worth every cent. i have a new outlook and i am ready to take over the world. WATCH OUT. i'm still a work in progress. for some reason, nights are easier for me, but any progress at all is cause for celebration.


the him-free existence

this morning i called and left him a message asking him not to call me. i don't know what its going to take for me to heal but i have to try cutting off communication. i have to try anything. my chest gets tight everytime i think about it. really think about the fact that he's ok being without me. he chose it.

yesterday i cleaned. i threw out bags and bags of papers, shoe boxes, magazines, clothes not fit to give away that i'd never wear again (why should i if its not in good enough condition to give away? and don't think i'm wearing broke-looking clothes). i filled a giant american eagle bag with clothes i haven't worn in more than a year. somethings i hadn't worn in 2 or more years.

for some reason its hard for me to get rid of t-shirts. i have loads and loads of them, mostly free from various stages of my life, conventions, leadership conferences and things of that nature which give them sentimental attachment. some dating back to 6th grade. (yes i know its bizarre that i can still fit in clothes from 6th grade). i threw out a 7th grade tee because it had a hole in it. i only wore it to bed but i felt proud. keep in mind how i dress and how i feel about fashion. i hate tees. i wear them only to the gym and to sleep in so this attachment is really ridiculous.

i have a lot of film that i need to get developed. so the new plan. if i have any pictures of me wearing the tee-shirt, unless is says hampton or sgrho, its out the door. i can't keep holding on to this crap and dragging tee-shirts around the country forever.

i started cleaning because his cards are everywhere. i wanted to throw them out. but i partially heard joy's voice (blog voice that is) and partially my mom's. and ashli's since i talked to her the next day. someday i'm sure i'll want to relive these memories. right now i just want them out of my sight. i thought about mailing them to him. not saying anything else, just mailing them to him. but i don't know if he'd throw them out since he's a chucker. you know one of those people who will throw something away if he can't figure out where it came from. so if i want the memories back one day, i don't want him holding them hostage or for them to be in a landfill somewhere. i'm thinking about turning the necklace into a ring. i'd just rather not wear the vestiges of his love around my neck. know what i mean? i can still wear the earrings because hey, i love earrings. the bratch? eh. see that post? i had it bad. AND I MEAN BAD.

i guess that's why i still feel physically ill. but jamar is really helping me through this. ashli has been monumental because she actually made me feel a little better. my friend from home, meagan. my mom when she's letting me go through this in my own way. i have a support system.

however, i'm concerned about the people who've felt the need to reach out to me in case i'm suicidal. uh... folks. it's never that deep. ever. that is not love to want to kill yourself. i'm a bit vain so someone leaving pushes me to make them want me more. and to succeed and push myself to that next level. only to say, you missed your chance. we broke up for a reason. if nothing's changed, then we can't go back. i've always held that position.

i didn't always necessarily stick to it, but i believed it. i'm not willing to be that girl. i don't do break-up to make-up. if you felt strongly enough about whatever we went through to end it, then you have to live with your decision. that's partly why i called him this morning to ask him not to call. you chose not to have me in your life like that. it's hard because we've talked at least 3 times a week for the last 4 years. so to go cold turkey is just like a drug addict. you feel the need to dip back. even now i'm struggling not to pick up the phone.

but i have to do it. i was feeling strong (I AM STRONG! STRONG! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM WOMAAAAAAAAAN!! lmao. my 10th grade world history teacher played that song for us and we couldn't stop laughing. i think we just couldn't imagine a world where (though its still true today in some ways) women had to fight so much for their rights. you know i know about civil rights. for me i think it was more how she sounded. PUT SOME BASS IN YOUR VOICE!!)

my strength was there. i was cleaning up, ironing, washing clothes, changing my sheets, making plans to take back my life. then he called. i stared at the phone. i kind of smirked because my dad was wrong. he did call. but then i felt dread. i wondered what he could possibly say to me. stace asked why i answered. b/c if i didn't i just would've called him back to find out what he wanted. i could've just let him leave a message.

my mom told me i didn't have to call him to tell him not to call but i'd already made up my mind to do that. she said just don't answer. i don't know if i can. but i know i can't answer when you don't call. i'm starting to think maybe she was right, but what's done is done. yesterday he called to tell me that he'd fractured his foot and sprained his ankle playing basketball. i laughed (wryly) because i'd been telling him for years to stop playing injured and that one of these days he was really gonna hurt himself. he laughed too and told me not to laugh. i stopped because i didn't want to do this yet. i can't be your friend yet.

he called me just to tell me that. to tell me the biggest news in his life right now. and to tell me the latest with his mom. YOU DON'T SEE THAT ENORMOUS ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM? the carcass of our relationship you just stepped over to nonchalantly make that call? what am i supposed to say to you? sorry you hurt yourself? that's for friends and girlfriends. right now i'm not much of either. i guess you could feel that for a stranger. but i need to feel nothing for you because i don't like my stomach in knots. i don't like the pounding headache that ensued when you called like nothing happened. and i'm sitting there wondering if this is how it's going to be. if you're just going to act like we never had anything. is this our life? and i wasn't ready for that.

it set me back. i'd woken up ready to go to work. and suddenly i was back. back in the moment. reliving what happened. i put the phone on speakerphone while i ironed, then my friend meagan called and i said i'd call him back but i knew it wouldn't be yesterday. i didn't know when. and even as i write this, i'm going back and forth. but i have to give myself a chance.

i was also amazed that while i was sitting in the house crying, and trying to finally sleep (for now i can only sleep once i get to the point of absolute exhaustion because my mind finally stops going. that means 24 hours after i woke up), you were out playing basketball. it slapped me in the face that this was really over for you. you've made your peace with it and moved on. i want that too. i don't want to be here anymore. but i can't do that if you're still here. i don't know what's going to work for me. but i've got to try something.


forget him

ah mommy. if it were that easy, my stomach wouldn't be in knots everytime i reentered the scene of the crime (my house, by the way). i wouldn't have just gotten in the car to go get something to eat, sat there listening to "Beyond the Veil" by Darryl Coley on my ipod, driven half a mile only to turn back around because i couldn't figure out what i wanted.

when i usually feel like this, i call kyle. i've had to stop myself from calling him today too many times to count. for the last 6 years, i've called him when some guy hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when anyone hurt my feelings or annoyed me. when i was bored. he was the one who helped me through it. now he's the one who did it.

since my phone is always on vibrate, i rest it against my thigh while i drive. we usually talk on my way in to work since its the one time our schedules almost always collide. today i put my phone in its usual position, then glanced at it to make sure i still hadn't missed a call, just like i always do. then i remembered. i picked up the phone and threw it in my bag as the tears rolled down my face.

"it's because you're strong." i don't want to be strong all the time. i don't have to be. i know i'm strong but right now i need to grieve. not so much for the lost relationship but for our lost friendship. things will never be the same. whether that's for better or worse, remains to be seen, but for now i just feel lost.

this is why i've always held my male friends at arms length. we become great friends, even the best of friends, but we don't take it past there. why ruin a friendship for something that may or may not work out. but i took a chance with him. because i already loved him. and i was tired of looking in other men for what i already had with him. because i knew that if i married someone else, our relationship would have to change. because i knew that i couldn't stand him being with another woman who didn't appreciate his worth. because i loved him. and i knew he loved me.

and because i thought he wouldn't hurt me. but he did. and i won't say just like all the rest and i won't say i regret it because without experiencing anything, how can you grow? if you spend your life regretting, you are blocking your blessing. i know there is a reason this happened. i just don't know what it is yet.

i thought about not posting this but like rev. run said, we can't share the good things without sharing the bad. right now i just need some time to deal with this loss. my love, but more importantly, my friend.

5 minutes later.

my father is home. apparently him and my mother think i'm ruining my life by being bothered by this. he did bring up a good point though. if i haven't talked to him today, that means he hasn't called. damn... it really is over. i'll be back at work and in fighting form in no time. what a friend.


so that's it.

we broke up. i'll explain it all later but i just needed to let it out right now. quick math. one year, 5 months, 10 days down the drain. maybe along with 5 previous years of friendship.


I Understand

No secret. My boyfriend lives far away. Pittsburgh to Bristol, CT far. 438.69 miles far (thanks mapquest). See you at most once a month because our schedules so infrequently match. Spent too many thousands of dollars visiting each other in the last 17 months far. So when you are talking to me about my long distance relationship and you say, "I know, because when I say bye to my boyfriend on Sunday, I'm always like, (sigh) I guess I'll see you on Friday," or "I have a friend who has been in a long distance relationship. I don't know how y'all do it," I think, "That's very the same at all." See how that made no sense?

I get a little pissed. Y'all know I'm sensitive about questions. (Skip to the last paragraph if you don't read a lot of not totally related stuff).

Oh to have the luxury of living in the same city as my boyfriend. Oh to have the luxury of seeing him every week... or more than once a month. OH TO GUARANTEE I COULD SEE HIM EVEN ONCE A MONTH. But for now I can't. I seriously try not to complain about it because right now its the best we can do. Plus is complaining going to make it any easier? And no one wants to hear that crap.

I also know this is preparing me for something else. I just don't know what. At the very least its a lesson in something. Everything we endure is. As much as I hate cliches, they seem to pop out rather a lot and this one is hideously true: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I have never felt so loved (family and friends excluded of course) and I have been in positive relationships. Or at least one anyway before him. I appreciate what we have.

It's not like I don't consider the people who let this stuff pop out of their mouths my friends. But sometimes, I just wish they'd think a little bit. Because it hurts when they don't. If you haven't been there, you don't understand.

One girl was asking me about my relationship yesterday and she just said "Wow... that's really hard" and I felt instantly better. I don't always need commiseration, but every once in a while CAN I BE ACKNOWLEDGED?!?! I can't help that I'm bratty. It's who I am. Know what people say to me all the time? "You are so spoiled!!" They mean loved. They get tongue-tied.

There's another guy who has been in 3 long-distance relationships of 2 years or more. YOU understand. YOU are allowed to talk about it. The rest? You really don't even have to say anything. If I want to talk about my relationship, I will. 9xs out of 10, I won't bring up the distance. If he's getting on my nerves, guess what? That likely has nothing to do with it. It's because he's a person and that's what people do. So let's not let "Is it the distance?" pop out every time we talk okay? Our relationship is not defined by that and our love is not built on it.

It's built on this. (From May 2, 2006)
We went to Hampton together. Met freshman year and became friends thru several mutual friends. Got closer soph. yr. b/c we were in the same major, had a lot of classes together, and would give each other love/relationship advice. It was really great. Over the course of soph, jr and senior years, he became one of my closest friends and confidantes. He tried to convince me to kiss him (he claims once a semester, but i know it was more than that) but I didn't want to ruin our friendship. He was one of my few male friends to keep in touch with me throughout the summer. We went to Sr. Ball together. The night of graduation we stayed up all night talking and listening to music in his car. (Hmmm.... That's strange. He had an apt. I have no idea why we stayed in his car).

The year following graduation, we stayed close and in touch. Continuing to talk to each other at least twice a week for at least an hour and a half, and up to four or five hours. What the hell do we talk about? We try to figure this out everytime we have a marathon session (including yesterday's 3 hour convo). We talk about music a LOT, sports, work (those two go hand in hand for him), rachael ray (LMAO!!), tv. I think that's about it. But probably not. So about a year ago, maybe even a year and a half, I started thinking about him in "that way." As more than a friend that is. And it took me about a year, from about October 2004 to August 2005 to convince myself it was ok to love him beyond our friendship love; and that it wouldn't ruin our friendship. So I sent him a letter. It was only one page but it said everything I needed it to. He didn't know how to take it. So we just kind of ignored it.

He sent me a package for my bday in August and it was just what I wanted. I was home alone w/no friends as I had just moved to Pittsburgh. So he talked to me from 1130 pm on August 22nd until about 3 hours into my birthday. In October, we made plans to meet in the middle for the first time. It was our first time seeing each other in a year and a month and a half. I knew then and he says he did too but we weren't honest with each other. We both acted like it was nice but not really a big deal. Then he called me in November to ask me if I wanted to fly in to see The Color Purple on Broadway w/him. Of course I said yes. We saw the play on December 5th. I went home on the 6th. The 10th he told me he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend. So it has been nearly 5 months.


The New Books

Amazingly, I am posting something I promised in less than a month. (I was going to finish my post about going home but I've (temporarily) lost my notes and I really can't remember anything without them).

I bought both of these books because they had odd titles. One is so odd I think I have to take it back. It's called Lose Weight! Get Laid! Find God!: The All-in-One Life Planner from Benrik. Granted I should've known what I was getting myself into from the title alone. Every page is a different age and what you should do (all crazy things). I bought it solely for the page for age 24. It says waste this year. I was like, well! I'm already ahead of the game by NOT wasting this year so let's see what 365 things I should've been doing and how I can make up for lost time with the last bit of time I have left in this 24th year.

One was make up a knock-knock joke. Here's mine.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jemima who?
OOOOOOh! Nosy! Why don't jemima your own business sometimes!

Pretty good right? Except its for the British kiddies because other than syrup, there aren't a whole lot of little Jemimas running around over here. I was also supposed to make my own bread and jam. What? Pass. My grandmother actually makes apple butter. I think its disgusting so I haven't bothered to ask her how to make it. I'll have you know I have done some of these things: peeled off a beer bottle label, create the ultimate sandwich, revise your signature, floss, change your ringtone (all really just different versions of a traditional ring b/c i have a strong aversion (borderline hate) to ringtones plus my phone is so rarely off vibrate b/c of my strange hours that i would never know the ringtone was me anyway).

The other book has lots of questions in it. Like nearly 200 pages of questions. Since Kyle was not at all a fan of Joy's book of choice, All About Us, I chose this one instead. I have been annoying the crap out of him with the questions ranging from bizarre (do you take oreos apart to eat them? do you dunk them in milk?) to spiritual (do you believe in God?) to maybe scary if you're not ready to learn the answers (what circumstances have led you or would lead you to betray a vow of monogamy?). It's pretty fun because we're learning things about each other we didn't know and may have never asked.

Know what he told me once? Whenever he asks me what's going on in the world (which he does a lot because he NEVER watches the news) and I bring up something he's heard about, he may say he hasn't because he knows I'll give him way more details than anyone else. I LOVE that. I gather details just for that reason. So I can know more than everyone else. :) Or at the very least have a different set of details. I'm the queen of "Ooh! But did you hear!" and "Can you imagine...!" It's fun. So that's me. Coming up soon, (am I really using an update post to tease another post? ridiculous and out of control esp. since I have a list of at least 5 outstanding posts) an update on my progress at the gym.


Help a Sista Out

Guess who wore a thick, black, cable-knit, long-sleeved sweater this morning? Yeah. That would be me. Know why? Because it was 38 degrees this morning. 38!!! ON MAY 7TH!!! I made a petition to boycott the weather back when it was cold as all hell. The high today is 71, tomorrow the high is 75 I think, but the low tonight is 45. Scuse me!! God? Can I get some real May temps? Love the 70s, you know this, but the 30s in May? I really can't get with it.

My line sister, fantastic and ambitious as she is, is creating a book club for when she moves to Syracuse in the fall for grad school (she wants to be the editor-in-chief of a magazine (see what I mean by fantastic and ambitious?)). She needs a name. So help. Here's what she said about it "(For) women on the graduate level. Probably age 23 and up. Whatever the name is, I would like to call it a literary society because free black women during the time of slavery called their reading groups that. I really just want it to have some fun name that doesn't sound like something you'd have to do a whole lot of extraneous work for. I want it to be a reading group for Black women to relax and acheive personal improvement." Out of this world. Help her out.

On an unrelated note, I love this commercial.

Cracks me up. "That's what's s... n-f." Hilarious. Because I work in tv, I see probably millions of commercials a year. Sometimes I wish I was exaggerating but I see a lot. At least 1/2 a million. I won't go any lower so don't try to make me!!! I realized I'm so used to a million tvs being on at once that I probably watch/listen to about 70 hours of tv a week. See why not watching tv is odd to me? Not not watching tv is odd, its more that people act like they're superior when they say they don't. Boooooooo. That doesn't make you smarter. I still read like a fiend. But I used to watch just MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYBE 15 hours per week. And that may be a stretch.


Loser Week Over!

Geez that took a long time. I needed something else to look forward to. Scroll through most of April and you'll see a myriad of "woe is me" ridiculous posts. I use this thing as a diary of sorts sometimes. My MOST personal thoughts don't often show up on here but those were definitely highly personal with me. BUT apparently all of blogger is going through a quarter-life crisis of sorts so it seemed appropriate. Lol. We are so dramatic! How did our ancestors survive without all this self-help crap and life crises for every milestone? Oh yeah, they worked. But this is a far different time. Good in some respects, bad in others. Sometimes there can be such a thing as too much introspection, yes?

Yesterday I fulfilled one of my goals for the new year: I finally met a blogger! WHAT?!! 15 trials and it finally happened. Veronica hit me up via email, let me know she was gonna be in the 'burgh and we went to a Pirates game. It was fun, despite their 7-1 loss to the Cubs(??? of all teams!) We each had a $3.50 nutty butty and I had a $6 16 oz. Yuengling. Outrageous. I also paid $15 for parking. Ouch. But we had great seats (sorry I left my camera in the car!) See that third pic? We were on that side of the ballpark and that was our view. Hot right?! It was fantastic. But HOT! Not Charlotte hot, but hot nonetheless since we were sittin in the sun. I got a mini tan. WHOO! I look a little more chocolate. The problem w/my tans is I don't stay in the sun anymore after the first time and promptly lose them within a few days. Booooooooooo. Can I get chocolate? Is that so much to ask?

I also had to get on V about not blogging. What is this? I gotta track y'all down to ask you personally to blog? I have to go to Connecticut to get Ashli, Jerz to get X (is that where you are? X where the *beep* are you guh!) and Mama A and DC to shake Madam (oh the jokes for that one! Blogger got its own DC Madam!!!!) Stace already called the folk out and y'all STILL slackin. I've gotta go to IOWA to get Dream, Houston for La. I mean I even got to travel to Colombia (YES THE COUNTRY!!!) to get Karamale. I've had to rearrange my favorites because y'all folk trippin. Get it together!!!!

I'm realizing part of my funk. I NEED TO GET OUT THE HOUSE!!! That's just how I am. I need to interact with people outside of work. That's why college was so fun. Built-in friends right there. And I had some fantastic ones. Still do. And they love to go out just as much as I do. Can't wait to have that again. Anyone want to move to Pittsburgh?

What do I have to look forward to now? Well... I just bought my latest ticket to Connecticut. I'll see Kyle on June 6th. Yes I know that's more than a month away but I will survive. At least I know when I'll get my reprieve (its like a prison break or parole or something). Woot woot! I'll also see the lovely Ashli! Weeee! And the new condo she just bought. Yay! AND Kyle says he bought me something he will only give to me in person. Hurray! So exciting. But its not jewelery. Poo. Hahahaha. But anything from him will have meaning because it will show he's been listening to me. Love him.

I also bought two funny books from Urban Outfitters. I don't really ever find things I like in that store for the price I want to pay. All their weird clothes are always so overpriced. But sometimes I like their strange books. Oddly enough, one of them provided some clarity I didn't expect. I'll tell you all about them another time! Hahahaha. I know you hate when I offer something (I do too because then its so rare for me to actually write about it). Oh well. You'll survive. Just remind me when there's a post you need! Kisses!