9.10.2007

Taking Up Space (In My Head)

One of my Hampton classmates e-mailed me the other day. She asked me how I got over my ex or if I was over him. Though I don't know if she reads my blog, I realized I may have been doing my readers a disservice. I stopped talking about what I was going through because a few people brought it to my attention that he was likely reading what I was writing. At first I was of the, "SO WHAT!!? He needs to know the pain he caused" mindset. Then I moved to, "If he's looking for his name in print, so shall he not see it." Now I realize, other people are hurting, too, and my holding back is not helping. So here was my response.

"Definitely still dealing with it. He was my best friend. I haven't spoken to the person who was my closest friend for the last 4 years in more than 2 months. But I think about him every day. Part of me died, but daily I think maybe it was a good part. I don't think either of us was ready for the power of that relationship, even though I thought I was.

It does get easier, though. At first I didn't think it ever would. Logically you know, but who thinks logically when something like that happens? Not me. I have a flair for the dramatic (believe it or not, lol). Going back to church helped, too. I've gone more in the last month than I did in the 2 years prior to the break-up. I know the only way I'll ever really get over this and move on is to give it to God. He knows why this happened and how I will recover FIERCELY!! That doesn't mean it's easy or that I don't get impatient or sad, even melancholy; but eventually I start to feel better. And now it doesn't take as long."

I banned my beloved bloggers from talking about him (you can let go now... until someone acts up) and would only respond to emails. I still can't read a lot of the posts I wrote regarding him. My stomach churns when I see his name. It was hell being in Norfolk when I wasn't doing wedding stuff and had too much time to think about the last time I was there. I didn't call him or text or email to tell him thanks for the "happy birthday" text (when he knows I hate texts) because I still can't communicate with him.

But I'm getting better.

Now I don't necessarily stop myself from telling a story if it would require me talking about him. One of my co-workers asked me if I "hooked up" with any cute guys in Florida. First, that's not me. I don't do the hook up thing. Second, my choices weren't that great. Third, and most importantly, I need to focus on me right now. I have a limited about of time to be single. Fly people don't stay alone for long. :) But I needed and still need the time to heal. To improve myself and to continue to press toward my goals. I cannot and will not let anything break me.

Rev. Ru.n's thought for the day:
Good morning. Be excited! 'Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.' -Ral.ph Wal.do Eme.rson 'He did it with all his heart and prospered.' 2 Chr 31:3 'It is fatal to enter any war without the will to win it.'- General Douglas Ma.cArthur. 'Do it big or stay in bed!' -P Di.ddy. God is love. Rev. R.un

Can we agree to DIE laughing at that group? E.merson, the Bible, MacA.rthur, and DID.DY!!! Hilarious! Oddest quartet ever!! Personally, I think the best Di.ddy quote relates to him moisturizing his situation and preserving his sexy. Hotness! Lololol. Regardless of the messenger, know this, I WON'T GIVE UP!!

16 comments:

Porscha said...

I totally understand how this feels, Jameil. I had to officially ban myself from telling ex-boyfriend stories because it was getting to be too much. When you're with someone for a while, it seems like all your recent memories and experiences involve that person in some way. And you're right about the limited single time. The Bible says this is a time to "attend upon the Lord without distraction" (1 Cor. 7:35) but that time fades quickly and all of a sudden you're walking down the street and holding some lucky man's hand. Good on you for discussing your healing from this tough breakup.

Sha Boogie said...

I am so diggin that commment 'fly people don't stay single for long' YES!!!
Preach Preacher!! I am trying to hold down the fort, but they're closing in on me!..lol

yet another black guy said...

thanks for sharing that with us. at least you've kept your spirit and liveliness intact!

Nitty-Gritty said...

Take it to the father and he shall set you freee- CAN I GET AN AMEN! Just know that while your taking care of "self" that you don't rush into anything, because even Fly people can be single and treat your brain like an apartment and don't let others rent space in your head. Continue in your faith and your purpose and meaning to life will soon blossom before you know it.

Vdizzle said...

I feel ya girlie. You gotta take it upstairs. I've been searching for a church home and I think I've found one.

Regardless of how lonely it can fell, sometimes, you need that one on one with the lady upstairs.

(Yeah I think God is a woman)

Mademoiselle M said...

LMAO at preserving his sexy reasoning. That quartet is the hotness. and i'm so loving your mentality.. you're right girl, the fly don't stay single for long at all!!

I wish you all the best with you healing you and your growth through God.

There's a better chapter of your life you are getting ready for. People ain't ready for it!

Ms. Cali Brwn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms. Cali Brwn said...

and the key is mos def not giving up ... i had this same prob when i went thru everything with j ... everyone seemed to have an opinion ... but then i realized i was writin for me ... and that folks could take it or leave it ... cause love is what its all about ... and there will always be a part of me that hurts for past loves and loss... but the fact still remains that ive always emerged victorious ... bc i refuse to give up ...i know the good stuff is out there somewhere and imma find it ... (oh its amber by the way)

the joy said...

lmao but i was feelin diddy's quote! youre doing a great job dealing and moving on. to be honest, one of my friend's on my blog's name is kyle, and i was gonna use his name but i gave him a nickname to not have you link thoughts or have flashbacks or something. when i broke up with my ex the first time i threw myself at some guy to avoid the questions people would ask. i wanted to seem strong, but you are actually being strong here... i read my friend's facebook and it said something like "who am i that i cant be complete without a man, what can he give that i dont already have? gems are sought, not seeking." i was like damn, go head girl! remember that.

Epsilonicus said...

I feel you. I stopped blogging about "her" for a while because that ish was hurting. So I really feel where you at. Do you!!

That quartet of quotes was interesting. Emerson and Diddy?? Never in the history of... lol

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

you know what makes Rev bomb? the fact tht he PUT those 4 together!! I love it! It all makes sense together (and apart but anyway).

You are BLACK WOMAN, and I can hear you roar! Get it Jameil

Bklyn's Finest said...

:) we are >>><<< its all good..

and you right.. Fly people don't stay single for long!!!

jameil1922 said...

porscha... and since we were homies for six years including the relationship, i really have a ridiculous amount of stories involving him. um... i hope its not too suddenly that some man is clutching my hand. if you can talk about your healing, i damn sure better be able to talk about mine... i know we all heal in different ways.

sha... i do want to be single a while longer, tho. HOLD DOWN THAT FORT!!

black guy... chile please! you can't kill this spirit!!

nitty... AMEN! :) there will be no rushing.

v... me, too. post on that forthcoming.

m... what's strangest is that i KNOW something great is coming (non-relationship-related) because i can feel it. its so strange.

cali.. i knew it was you b/c you said j, and the ellipses. you know i'm not giving up.

joy.. thanks for the nickname. don't think you have to use his name now homie. i have NEVER thought i was incomplete w/o a man. that's not my steez. i know you know that.

epsi... doin me all day every day! :)

stace... lol. love you!

bk... yeah but any stalkers can feel free to back up b/c now ain't the time.

spchrist said...

Jameil...I'M SO FEELING you on this post...and it is probably your best post ever...imo.

See...I probably a bit more gangsta than you are...so I toasted my ex properly on the blog one time and left it at that. I can't give anyone the satisfaction that I'm thinking about them or was thinking about them.

I know she got the message do to the angry phone calls, e-mails and texts from her and her friends. It helps to remove anything that reminds you of your ex from your life...like clothing, e-mails, etc. It helps you heal faster.

CNEL said...

J:
I wished I would have read this before I started beating myself up about thinking about my ex. Seldom does time pass when I don't think about her. I think I sometimes care because I cared so much for her. Thanks for this. I admire you for your ability to keep things in perspective, and to see things in a balanced way.

Keep doing you. You're absolutely right. It has to be about you now and forever.

jameil1922 said...

sp... thanks. gangsta is one word for it. when it comes to stuff like that, i try to shy away from drama. you can't erase memories. my job reminds me of him and sports and espn so it will take more than getting rid of a few material things.

cnel... don't beat yourself up for how you feel. hugs.