Thursday 13: Things I Want NOWHERE NEAR My Wedding

1) White tuxes. This is so unacceptable. You look very very hood wearing all that white. And I don't need you competing with my blindingly white dress (which I have already designed in my head and will have made).
2) A non-dancing husband. I am a reforming party animal and this includes my wedding night. Let's get down!!
3) Orange. I hate this color. (I know, I know, it's one of my school's colors but I only allow it even on my Gator para in small doses.) Everyone who knows me knows this. I'm okay with coral, love peach, but orange? Vomit-enducing.
4) White shoes. They go right along with white tuxes. You are hard-pressed to find a cute white shoe so just stop.
5) Fondant. This is one of the most popular wedding cake additions and has been used to cover too many of them for probably more than a decade now. Everyone loves the fondant. I do not. No fondant. That being said, I don't like cake so I don't really care what the cake tastes like and hubby gets to pick that out.
6) Carnations. This is the cheapest, ugliest flower in the world. I don't want to go broke over flower arrangements so I want whatever are the prettiest flowers in season. HOWEVER carnations are not an option. Neither is baby's breath.
7) Snow. See any winter post from my time in Pittsburgh. 'Nuf said.
8) Tiaras. Not on me, not on the flower girls. Sparkling headband or hair adornment? Absolutely if it goes with the dress, but no tiaras.
9) Short or ugly bridesmaid dresses. Short fits when it's a less formal wedding. It doesn't strike my fancy when I have a long dress and hubby's in a tux along with his groomsmen and here come the bridesmaids chillin. I also don't want your ugly dresses in my photographs for LIFE so there will be no torturing the bridesmaids in that manner. All eyes will be on me regardless.
10) Very small children in the bridal party. I saw this on "Whose Wedding is It Anyway." Anyone younger than kindergarten doesn't know how to be still and may be too shy/sleepy/tantrum-throwing to go down the aisle when the big day comes. Good tip!
11) Custom vows. I don't need another thing to be bothered with writing. You know how I feel. I'm marrying him, aren't I? Plus I think the traditional ones are beautiful.
12) Short veils or trains. It's all about the DRAMA when it comes to veils and trains! I want at least a 3-foot train (up to 6 feet, yes almost a foot taller than me), possibly detachable since it will be a hassle to dance in and a detachable cathedral length veil. HAWT!!
13) Stress. At the end of the day, this is about me and the hubster and our lifelong commitment so if something small goes wrong in this ONE day, I'm pretty sure we'll be okay.


Rashan Jamal said...

Totally with you on 1 and 4. White wont do. I can't say that I would ever want to see orange at the wedding.

As much as you try to explain it, I still don't know what fondant is.

How about having your name spelled out in flowers on a white carpet?

And the tiara? Don't you wanna feel and look like a princess. No? okay, I can dig it.

No stress is the best thing on the list. I wish I woulda thought of that one.

RunningMom said...

you guys are too cute - I'm with you on everything here!

Adei von K said...

i notice you didn't say anything abt the Stanky Leg. you can't wait to kill it in your bridal gown with detachable train!

CJ said...

Funny stuff. Im with you on most. Im surprised at custom vows. I thought all us writers would want them: No babies in the audience either

Ms. Behaving said...

I feel you on the white tuxes and white shoes. Soooooo unsexy!!! LOL

Oh and tiaras??? [GAG] ---> No AND thanks!
Besides, I always thought that was SO my little girls' first birthday party(ish).

Good luck on the no kids thing. That will probably be the hardest.

I was sure you or Rah were gonna have an April Fools post but I guess not.


Monie said...

You guys are killing me. LOL

I agree with almost everything you said but I am all about the custom vows. LOL That will be one of my most favoritest parts of the ceremony.

Sha Boogie said...

You kill me with your cake hating self! lol

Jameil said...

rj... white is that wackness! if it's someone i know i'm totally giving them the eye. one of your people i might let slide. if you don't know and can't figure it out from the link i don't even know what to tell you. well if my name's in the white carpet it will be there FOREVER which = AWESOME!! i'm a princess anyway. no stress is the best!!

running... ah yeah!

adei... didn't you originally call that the stacey leg? b/c you stay talkin about it. must be your fave dance.

cj... nope. i know we both know how to write. i don't need to do it w/the vows. i don't mind the kids in the audience b/c by then most of my folk will have kids but they should drug them so there's no wailing. lolol.

ms. behaving... the HEIGHT of unsexy along w/tiaras on a grown woman. don't mind kids in the audience, just don't want them in the wedding party.

monie... lol. i'm so straight on those.

sha... lolololol. can't help it!

San said...

I know a couple who tripped over their vows. They were the traditional ones. Instead of getting stressed about the mistakes, both of them were shaking with stifled laughter. Their shoulders looked so cute from the back, moving up and down. They laughed at their mistakes on their wedding day and they've been married for decades now.

No, it wasn't my husband and I. But it could've been.

Aretha said...

Fondant makes the cake look all pretty and smooth, and it doesn't taste bad either...other than that and custom vows, I love your list.

Children under the age of 12 aren't allowed at my wedding. There will be offsite babysitting services available for all those who request it before hand. I'm not a fan of kids and everyone who knows me knows that, so that shouldn't be a prob.

Ok, are you too serious...I thought it was an April fool's joke and now i'm wondering, but then again, I don't want to be fooled...oh the agony you two have put upon me..lol

Momisodes said...

Okay. So this is for real? Congratulations!!!

I am SO with you on all of this. I definitely instilled all of these rules in my own wedding. And I do mean ALL of them, and I have no regrets. Well, maybe that we didn't elope :)

shani-o said...

1. Quit playing.

2. Orange is my absolute favorite color, and I fully intend to wear an orange ballgown to your wedding. And I may even dye my hair orange.

Jameil said...

san... lol @ shaking with laughter. too cute.

aretha... i don't need a smooth cake. why is that a need? i feel like so many of my friends will have kids that it would be too hard not to allow them. plus my wedding vision has gotten less stringent (and smaller) the older i got (oddly enough) so for some reason this was one of the former don'ts that's gotten tossed aside. agony is a part of life. why won't you just congratulate us?

momisodes... all of them?? that's so cool! we are awesome and i knew there was a reason i liked you!! the closer i get to my actual wedding, the more i think the idea of eloping is somewhat appealing.

shani... about what? i really don't want any of these things at my wedding. orange is hideous. it's one of my sister's fave colors, too which is a good thing i get to pick out her attire as a member of the wedding party. yessss. if you want to come to my wedding, there will be NO ORANGE!!

1969 said...

Hmmm...wedding planning are we?

Fascinating. Call me when the time is near. You know I am the wedding expert.

White on men and white shoes are the epitome of tacky IMO. However, I love a classic tuxedo with black pants and the white jacket.