My sister's boyfriend is 2 years younger than her. His mom calls her a cradle robber. This mildly annoys my sister. But since it's true, she doesn't get too bent out of shape. But the other day, the woman sends her son a text, "If you wake up in a red room with no windows and no doors, don't worry, you're in my heart." Cue it. Roll it. "Womp womp womp wooooomp."
Better? The text she sent to my sister, "If you wake up in an all black room with no windows and no doors, don't worry you're in my heart. My heart is only black for you." I fell out laughing. She also told her, "I'm going to kidnap you if you guys ever get married and put on your dress and walk down the aisle and he'll see it's me." Girl if you don't dump him and block that psycho woman from sending you texts, you better! Or let her know you got a crazy overprotective big sister who doesn't mind showing her who's running things. "CUZ I'M A BOSS!" Act like you know.
From a facebook status (stupid interweb crack)--
Heard on the metro:
Girl: I get in the clubs for free, VIP and all I can drink!!!!
Friend: How you get all that?
Girl: It's the favor of the Lord.
I hate both of you. It's more likely your hoochie clothes and willing ways. Just sayin...
While talking to one of the elder statesmen, we were going back and forth naming really old, or dead people, starting with Methuselah. He apparently didn't know the purpose of this pointless exercise because when I said, "H.itler," he goes, "Ouch! You can't call people that!" "What? I wasn't calling you that. I thought you knew we were naming your contemporaries."
Stace posted her ugly pics on facebook.
So I changed my status to, "Jameil wants everyone to know she can't stand Stace."
She writes on my wall, "you won't get extra credit in doc school for being a hater...no bonus in your check for being a hater...your mom won't love you any more than she does now...my pic is what's up, step YOUR game up. Mgmt."
So I say, "Actually i am not only encouraged to hate, i get more money for hatin, and YOUR mom loves me better. she thanks me for my contribution to society. the CEO"
We can go all day if you'd like.
Dad: Your cousin George died.
Dad: Do you know who that is?
Me: Vaguely. How old was he?
*refers to his brother on the phone*
Me: Oh. *some background: I can't get too worked up when old people die... unless they're fabulous fashion designers... or a close family member and my dad's first cousin doesn't count. Death happens.*
D: That's pretty old.
Me: 78 is not that old anymore.
D: Old enough.
Me: I guess. So when do you plan on dying?
D: Right now.
*I pinch him. What? He deserved that..*
Me: No. You can't die right now. You have to walk me down the aisle.
D: Jameil, if I wait to walk you down the aisle, I'll never die. "James, you're 175 years old. What are you waiting for?" "To walk Jameil down the aisle." "Jameil died 50 years ago." "Oh... I guess I can die now."
And you wonder why I am the person I am!!! I suppose I should be glad there's no pressure, though, huh? Trust! I am VERY grateful for that! Lol. But keep actin, D and I'LL NEVER GET MARRIED JUST TO SPITE YOU!!!
*Name yoinked from La. And so what??? These people are killing me!! Hence the requiem... a prayer chant for my fragile soul.