Organization of the Crazy*: A Requiem in 5 Acts

My sister's boyfriend is 2 years younger than her. His mom calls her a cradle robber. This mildly annoys my sister. But since it's true, she doesn't get too bent out of shape. But the other day, the woman sends her son a text, "If you wake up in a red room with no windows and no doors, don't worry, you're in my heart." Cue it. Roll it. "Womp womp womp wooooomp."

Better? The text she sent to my sister, "If you wake up in an all black room with no windows and no doors, don't worry you're in my heart. My heart is only black for you." I fell out laughing. She also told her, "I'm going to kidnap you if you guys ever get married and put on your dress and walk down the aisle and he'll see it's me." Girl if you don't dump him and block that psycho woman from sending you texts, you better! Or let her know you got a crazy overprotective big sister who doesn't mind showing her who's running things. "CUZ I'M A BOSS!" Act like you know.

From a facebook status (stupid interweb crack)--
Heard on the metro:
Girl: I get in the clubs for free, VIP and all I can drink!!!!
Friend: How you get all that?
Girl: It's the favor of the Lord.


I hate both of you. It's more likely your hoochie clothes and willing ways. Just sayin...

While talking to one of the elder statesmen, we were going back and forth naming really old, or dead people, starting with Methuselah. He apparently didn't know the purpose of this pointless exercise because when I said, "H.itler," he goes, "Ouch! You can't call people that!" "What? I wasn't calling you that. I thought you knew we were naming your contemporaries."

Stace posted her ugly pics on facebook.
So I changed my status to, "Jameil wants everyone to know she can't stand Stace."

She writes on my wall, "you won't get extra credit in doc school for being a hater...no bonus in your check for being a hater...your mom won't love you any more than she does now...my pic is what's up, step YOUR game up. Mgmt."

So I say, "Actually i am not only encouraged to hate, i get more money for hatin, and YOUR mom loves me better. she thanks me for my contribution to society. the CEO"

We can go all day if you'd like.

Dad: Your cousin George died.
Me: Ok.
Dad: Do you know who that is?
Me: Vaguely. How old was he?
*refers to his brother on the phone*
D: 78.
Me: Oh. *some background: I can't get too worked up when old people die... unless they're fabulous fashion designers... or a close family member and my dad's first cousin doesn't count. Death happens.*
D: That's pretty old.
Me: 78 is not that old anymore.
D: Old enough.
Me: I guess. So when do you plan on dying?
D: Right now.
*I pinch him. What? He deserved that..*
Me: No. You can't die right now. You have to walk me down the aisle.
D: Jameil, if I wait to walk you down the aisle, I'll never die. "James, you're 175 years old. What are you waiting for?" "To walk Jameil down the aisle." "Jameil died 50 years ago." "Oh... I guess I can die now."

And you wonder why I am the person I am!!! I suppose I should be glad there's no pressure, though, huh? Trust! I am VERY grateful for that! Lol. But keep actin, D and I'LL NEVER GET MARRIED JUST TO SPITE YOU!!!

*Name yoinked from La. And so what??? These people are killing me!! Hence the requiem... a prayer chant for my fragile soul.


Rashan Jamal said...

A comment in 5 acts:

I: WOW!!! Mama is a little nutty. Black heart? Run away and keep running.

II. Jesus wants me drunk and loose. But he knows my heart.

III. For real, H.itler is taboo.You can't be bringing him into our conversations. I won that one though, cuz you stopped after I said Winsto.n Churc.hill. *Does I Won dance*

IV. You and Stace are hilarious. Go Orange!!!

V. D is the man. LOL @ 175 year old and you dying 50 years previous...

Epilogue... You should have included how all the best years were already used up. LOL

Adei von K said...

i'm dead @ your dad.
every time you post abt him, he steals the show!!

ummm, tell 'laina when someone tells you abt themselves, you should listen. that woman said she'll kidnap 'laina, put HER wedding dress on, and see if her son recognizes her??????

she deserved all 5 acts.

Mau said...

I think "Organization of the Crazy" is a perfect name for this post.

Why are Stace's FAMU photos flipped?

...and strike, and strike again.

Sparkling Red said...

Well. I've had some crazy-ish encounters with mothers-in-law but never so bad as what your sister is going through! Sheesh. I hope that her boyfriend isn't a momma's boy. I learned the hard way: never marry a momma's boy, unless you want to always be second best in his eyes.

CJ said...

LOL. Your family makes me smile. But crazy mama gotta go . . .the fact she would say matter of factly she wanna walk down the aisle to marry her own son says everything we need to know

But i really came to say CONGRATS ON GRAD SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!

I always get distracted on here:)

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

so 2 yrs is craddle robing dang
dont got a face book page
i must be a lame
and hootchies
same as groupies right?

jameil1922 said...

rj... for real. run far. i'm over you for no. 2. didn't we previously discuss those platitudes? YOU DID NOT WIN!! NO ORANGE, you mean. don't encourage him. as for the years... well they are.

adei von k... he's a mess!!! she should really listen, tho.

mau... isn't it tho?? b/c she's crazy.

red... girl! i've dated mama's boys and NO THANKS!!!

cj... don't encourage them! that's what i said abt the mama!! thanks!!

torr... for a girl, yes. yes hoochies is the same.

Jonah K. Haslap said...

No, no, don't run away. Think of all the years and decades and centuries of blog material your parents provide in just one telephone call. How much would you really have to say without them around? You should cut them in for a share of the profits...if blogging actually made anyone any money.

Vdizzle said...

And why is she attracted to this man? Ten times outta nine, if he messed with a crazy bitch like that before her, something ain't right with him either!!!

Opinionated Diva said...

I don't think your sister has much to worry about with you in her corner, but I would still be watchful of that mother. Is he an only child? She's sounds like she's too in the business.

There's that marriage talk again...hmmmmmmmm.

jameil1922 said...

jonah... welcome! did i say i was running away? i'm not. but i do have to move out. that must come. my dad provides lots of ent. and yes it's too bad it's not making me any money!!

v... i think you didn't read all the way. this is his momma.

diva... nope, he has a brother but he's the oldest so i guess she's attached. she's def. all in his biz and it's not cute. and here you go.