Ladies and gentlemen, what is the worst line ever? Please weigh in in the comments.
This one has to be near the top of your list. "I need a massage." Can we get a group groan on that one? If you have ever in your whole life (this situation calls for exaggeration, does it not?)used this line, please immediately cease and desist. Seriously. There has never been a less effective line in the history of the world. It's so very 1999 for me-- the fall of my senior year of high school. It carried through via various lame line users until after I graduated. That means at least fall 2004. It has never worked like you think you want it to. Ever. You have to come better than that playa.
You know who said he needed a massage today. G(ym guy). Sigh. You are so pitiful. He invited me out with his friends for his birthday on Saturday. I hope not those friends. No matter. I have to work and therefore will be unable to attend. Boo comma hoo. Let me tell ya. Lol. However, I will let you be my free trainer. We have another workout (henceforth never to be called gym dates again) on Wednesday. After this conversation to make the necessary arrangements, he says those awful, ill-fated words, "I need a massage." *insert blank face* Yeah. Right. "I can't help you." "Why not? You got hands." I made them look arthritic and said, "I can't help you. You better talk to her." I gestured toward another woman he speaks to regularly.
We have another one, folks. I don't know what it is about me that attracts these insecure chicks. Well... I take that back. I am rather fabulous. Unnecessarily so. But I've said it a million times heretofore, I'll say it a million times afterward. "I *points to eye* don't want your man. AND if you had him, you wouldn't have to act like that." Don't come looking at me sideways over some man. It is never that serious. Get it together. When she pulled her pink feather boa-trimmed tote out of her locker I understood the dirty looks. You really don't understand my fabulosity. Nevertheless, there's no need. Trust me. (Did you read the date number 2 post?) You can have him.
Back to the matter at hand. Once again I'm going to have to plea for you not to use the massage line. Be. More. Creative. One time I was in wally world chatting it up on my cell and some guy said, "Can I have your number so I can call you, too?" I was so shocked I just started laughing. He almost got my number but I wasn't quite that bored. Plus I was on the phone and he wasn't that cute. Another day he would've gotten the number. "I need a massage"? Dead face. Never.
Did you see my post about skinny bread? Cracked me up!