Give Her Room


It's for your own good.

My moods are cyclical. And a bit violent. I try to suppress them, just a little. Because they kind of scare me. I didn't 2 years ago, but now i understand what my aunt meant when she said there was no way in hell she would do her 20s over again. At the time, it was kind of depressing like "damn! but i'm living those!" But at the same time encouraging because she loved her 30s. And if she could stay one age forever (like in the book we were discussing at the time, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven. No, I don't really recommend it. I wasn't that impressed), she would choose her 30s. I said well, that's still a little piece away and what fun to look forward to!

Now I just really, really understand. This age sucks. There are too many emotions and not enough ways to express them. How do I get it all out?

But somethings help. Vacation is a temporary respite, though I'm thinking perhaps I don't need to go home, because I get depressed before I even leave (right at the end). But I get the same way when I leave Kyle. It's loser week times 8. So depressing. But isn't life in general? Sometimes I just want to throw things. A lot of times. I have so much energy and rage and joy and sadness and guilt and, and, and. Everything is magnified and overfelt. Not bipolar because its not for long periods of time but still quite intense and at times a bit scary. Sometimes blogging helps. Especially the comments. It's nice to connect and eventually no one feels like a stranger. Today I was frustrated because I decided I wanted to visit a church and I wanted to call V to ask what her home church is and I realized 1) I don't really know her and 2) I don't have her number! Bah!

I'm re-reading Sex and Sensibility. It was $1 at Borders. I like their sales because I end up buying things I would've left on the shelves, even though I choose books by their covers because I just never would've found it anywhere. It has 28 romances from the lives of single women but it's not all like you think it would be. My favorite story is "Do You Take This Woman" by Em and Lo. Ride or die friends through all men.

That's Stace (though we don't intend on going through any more men). When I'm at my most insane, I call her and she calms me down. Kyle can do that, but in a different way. Sometimes as a woman, you just need another woman, and only another woman will do, because no matter how great anyone is, he or she can't be everything for you. And when I need it, she'll give me room.


Epsilonicus said...

I feel that way about being 20. I have these emotions and I have a hard time expressing them or explaining them. At the same time, I like it because of being older without all the responsibility. I can do things I know I cannot do when I am older.

CNEL said...

Yeah, I'm an emotional creature, but also an analytical one. I have been told before I think too much, as in I weigh alllllllll the options. It drives my friends insane, but I tend to make reasonable decisions 95% of the time.

LoL @ wanting to call V. Do you understand I talk about blogfriends like we went to high school together. Well the mentor says, well so and so says. If I don't hear from so and so.

Up with reading. I will read everything, but what teachers assign. Sitting on my desk waiting to be cracked "Visible Now" some 80's book about blacks in private schools, "The Long Road Home" by Martha Raddatz, "The N Word" by Jabari Asim, and "Infidel" by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. I don't want to look under my bed or in my closet. Some women have shoes, I have books.

As for the age I'm most looking forward to, I have no clue, as you know I'll be glad for July when I cross the threshold to 21. I do hope to be like wine, and only get better as I age.

the joy said...

20s are stupid. this is supposed to be the time of my life and i am stuck in paperwork. we need a support group.

Leela said...

i definitely relate. i feel like i run so hot and cold most of the time, nothing in between. either my world is ending and i suck at life or everything is great and the outlook is positive. it's just not logical and it's emotionally tiring. i think that the 20s are the narcissistic years.

jameil1922 said...

sigh... see what i mean? in some way, you all totally understand.

Omar Ramon said...

my 20's have sucked so far as well...i too relate better to women than men...heterosexual men manyway.
emotions are a mess..soooo strong with such subtlety. ugh.

Vdizzle said...

My 20s have been filled with these ups and downs too. Unfortunately because I am so analytical, I gave up about a year ago and am what my sister now calls "emotionally lazy."
I tend to be a hermit and when I meet a guy I like, I can't even make myself excited.

I'm just like, "yeah he's nice and fun to be around" *sigh* Where do you wanna go eat? Foolishness I know.

Dreamlover said...

Sometimes I feel as if I am going crazy, up and down, up and down!

La said...

OMG!!! Don't your 20s SUCK?!? I thought being an emotional ass teenager was bad, but this is even worse because now I have bills, lol.

I too talk about you guys as well as though we've all actually stood in a room together, lol. We should organize some kinda blogger meet and greet so at least I can say I've met these people I refer to so often.

As many male friends as I have, when I am about to lose it, I always reach out to Joy or Shani. Somehow, they make it better and before I know it we're on the other side of my anger/sadness/irritation/rage without me even knowing how they got there.

But I understand how blogging helps. Although I don't necessarily "know" everyone I know thru their blogs, I certainly feel less alone in the world

Chris said...

my mother told me the 20s were the best time in her life because she thoroughly enjoyed the 1970s child free, went to school, traveled and partied, and by the time I came along she was ready to chill. I think it's a case-by-case situation as far as the 20s go. I'm not too fond of mine either, but the 30s look like an interesting age to be.

Bklyn Diva said...

oh wow.. sis.. that was deep.. but errr just think about how GREAT life has been to you!!!! i know I know easier said than done..

my 20's were full of ups and downs as I navigated through this thing called life coupled with the feature appearances of my children so I guess they were the highlights? LOL

but so far my 30's have been FABULOUS and while some of the bumps and bruises of the 20's resurfaced just under a different facet *i.e. same shyt different man, same shyt different job* LOL I know how to BETTER handle them and move on...


Sha Boogie said...

So that's what this is.. my crazy 20's??!! Well, that explains the madness! I am so sick of thinking extra hard before I speak because some foul language may spew from my mouth!!..lol

DP said...

Books good

Smart Friends good

God good

Nosey Friends who don't know their place Bad

You good

Hopefully you Better.

Take care of you...cause no one does it better than you.

So...Wise...Sista said...

You know how i felt (hahaha i said FELT...past tense!) about my 20s. Blowed. But you do have lots of things going for you, things that lots of your peers are desperate for...the guy, the gig, the fam. But I say that only bec i know it's the right thing to say. 20s are wack!! :)

jameil1922 said...

wise... for that comment, you get a fantasmogorical!!! i really do try to keep that in mind but you know what? sometimes the blahs just win out! that's life!

i'm not in any rush to end my 20s but damn if this shit ain't exhausting! where did all this come from? this insanity? were people just more resigned to their fate back in the day? i think that's what it was. whatever it was maybe i can import a piece of relaxation and calm from somewhere...

Golden Silence said...

Ah, the "quarterlife crisis." Does it ever end? Oh yeah, when you turn 30!

Seriously, there's got to be a way to not fall into the QLC slump. But you're making self-discovery and wanting to change your life, which is a good thing.