12.30.2008

Transformation

I've become such a different person in the last 2 years. I know you're supposed to improve with age and learn new things everyday, and on and on, but so often we don't. We get lazy or complacent, or just caught up in life. I know in the last several months I've been in graduate school I've found myself too often overwhelmed or completely against taking action. I'm pretty sure I haven't been in the gym 3xs in a week since I left Pittsburgh. I like my body with some meat on my bones, but I also like it toned. (What a dilemma I have, huh? To like my body in its variety of incarnations. I can definitely say my body image has always been high.) And I like it when my skinny jeans fit because then I have 20 available pairs of jeans to wear. Lol. (Speaking of which, I need some new jeans.)

But in the last 2 years as I've begun to truly work on myself more and my relationship with God. There have been definite setbacks. While I recognize God's work in my life, I have had an AWFUL time trying to find a church where I can grow since I moved to Gainesville. 5 churches in 7 weeks wore me out and I gave up at the end of the semester. This semester I have a plan to go back to one church that was close but now has a new pastor to check him out and try a church another black grad student suggested. I also have had issues with cursing trying to make a resurgence in my vocabulary. That one is becoming too frequent a fight.

I have stopped going with my first reaction to everything. This is HUGE. My first reaction too often was to go OFF when someone did something I perceived as a slight. I still allow myself to go through everything I would like to say or do, but then I consider the potential impact of said actions. Novel concept right? I know someone is rolling their eyes because I am, too! Lol. When people annoy me I stop and consider whether what I do or say will make a difference or is worth the effort. Do I really need to write a blog post about that or send an email or rant and rave? Probably not. Before you start praising me for my saintly behavior and Rashan calls me out, Sunday night at this diner-- METRO DINER IN DECATUR, we had the WORST service. We dropped our money on the counter and walked out because we were standing up there waiting for someone to ring us out for 5 minutes. They were not busy at all. There were 2 waitresses for what was at that time 2 tables of people-- 6 customers total. This chick comes running out like we didn't pay. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?! YOU WANT TO COME NOW?! NO. I went off. (Without cursing.) But I was mad. Now me yelling at her was unnecessary and neither solved nor achieved anything, but baby steps. You can't save Rome in a day.

But I have also learned to give up on grudges. I used to pride myself on holding a grudge for longer than anyone else my age I know. That's not a good thing. I knew that, but had a hard time letting go. I've started to forgive people much more quickly for wrongs, perceived and actual. To keep short lists. I'm obviously not perfect but being the change I want to see in the world is a start. And I can't wait to continue to make it happen, to love hard even if it hurts and try to keep my head even when things feel crazy. I'm a cliche machine right now, huh? Lol.

So let's recap a few of the good things that have happened in the last semester and what we have to look forward to in the upcoming semester. I earned a 3.75 GPA and made 2 short films. One I hated and one I liked okay but still want to improve upon. I learned a lot about editing with Final C.ut and still have more learning to do. I have an assistantship for next semester which will pay for part of my tuition and includes a stipend. And I'll have an office! (That I'll never use and share with 14 other people but whatev! Lololol.) I've started my locks. I'm ready for 09 and the joys in store.

And in a short while, Stace and her crew are rolling through Rashan's for dinner and drinks! And the 3rd part of Christmas!!! Can't wait!!!

6 comments:

Vdizzle said...

Good job on the grudge thing. Soooo hard!!

How you like that Final Cut? I just started using it at work before the break.

Momisodes said...

Personal growth is rare and tough. Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job.

It's been a pleasure reading your blog over the past year.
Wishing you all the best for 2009!

CNEL said...

Hope you have a great 2009.

sweetlime said...

so happy to see your doing great!!! i cant believe you joined the GATOR nation... awesome. i'm a gator too. anyway, i am glad i stopped by ur blog.

A Go Bytch said...

I'm stopping by courtesy of Rah! Happy New Year!!!

Go b.

jameil1922 said...

v... thanks! i know! FCP has some crappy parts about it but it's better than trape to tape.

momisodes... very! thanks!! i liked reading yours, too! :)

cnel... you too! :)

sweet lime! wow, archives!! lolol. GO GATORS!!! :)

agb... thanks! you too!