6.09.2007

If you haven't been here in 3 weeks...

You've got some serious catching up to do. I notice a lot of people are coming out of the woodworks with some head scratching and whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa's??? So. Kyle broke up with me (he doesn't tell his friends who did the breaking up. Isn't that convenient? Makes him look much less like the bad guy).

I'm back from Connecticut. It was a very awkward trip. It started out well enough because Ashli picked me up from the airport. Yay!!!! We headed to the mall. I tried on a skirt in Express. It didn't really fit in the waist. I said, "I'm sure I can't go down a size, though." She said, "Just try it on." I did, then gasped, came out of the dressing room and said, "Ashli!!!!! I'm a size 2!! I'm a size 2!!" Gym, I will never forsake thy name again. Plus this girl at work just gave me a new workout plan. Can't wait to try it so I can get more toned. I don't want to lose any more weight. I'm not sure I know how to do that, though. But hurray for working out.

Then we headed to her new condo. It's tres adorable! Omg. The living room is chocolate brown and teal with a suede chocolate brown sofa and love seat, teal throws and chocolate and brown and teal throw pillows and art. The kitchen is teal, grass green and turquoise. Her bedroom is beige, cream, pink and peach (I may be leaving out a color but its gorgeous, too). Love it. Very Ashli, very modern.

Then we went to her parents' house so I could meet the new niece. Cute baby! Just 2 months old. Awww. Ashli's sister cooked spaghetti with meat sauce. Yummy. We also had garlic bread courtesy of Shop Rite... and the college bartender re-appeared! Yay!! Ash made me a peach-raspberry margarita. MMMMMMMMMMM! Tequila, margarita mix, Chambord (delicious raspberry liquer), and peach nectar. Wow. Yum in a margarita glass.

After dinner, we went back to Ashli's house. The plan was to go to Room 960.... but we fell asleep. I woke up, called Kyle, who originally told me he couldn't drink or dance because of his foot. I'm like, "Well, what's the point?" He decided he'd take me anyway. I got dressed: black patent leather pumps with 3" stiletto heels, jeans, sleeveless black and white polka dot shirt-dress with a low cut v-neck and a green sash, green leaf earrings, black patent leather clutch. When he finally pulled up behind us, it smacked me in the face how little I wanted to see him. Ashli commanded me not to cry so I took several deep breaths, then got my bag out of the trunk.

He said, "HI!!" excitedly. I, depressingly said, "Hey." I walked up to the car, put my bag in the trunk as he hobbled toward me. I didn't hug him and I saw his face fall. He hobbled to the door. I heard the bouncer say $20. We already knew the place was closing in an hour. I didn't understand why Kyle had on regular shoes. He didn't want to wear the air cast. Wth? You don't think the air cast explains more than you hobbling like a nut job? I'm like I'm not paying $20 for an hour in some Hartford club. We turn around and he says, "I'm sorry I ruined your night." Yeah right, not going to 960 ruined my night. Seeing you ruined my night. I'm not ready for this.

We head back to his house, watch part of the MTV Movie Awards, I drink a couple of Heinekens and read the "Tyler's Ultimate" cook book he gave me. We fell asleep without so much as a hug or a peck on the cheek. Never doubt my will power people. I refuse to be the back and forth girl. You want to be with me or you don't. I will not allow you to act like nothing happened. You want to cuddle, hug, kiss, get a girlfriend or something else. You wanted your freedom, you've got it.

I won't go into crazy detail of everything that happened because it's painful, but the next day we went to see "Knocked Up." It was funny and pretty good. I definitely said, "This is why I will never have a one night stand. Because that's how you end up pregnant by some guy who has no job." Horrific. Then we came back to his house and made chicken parmesan over spaghetti. After that, we went to his friend Courtney's house because it was his birthday, and to watch game 1 of the NBA Finals. It was VERY awkward because of course Courtney was there and another guy Reggie, both of whom I've seen just about every time I've been to Connecticut, including my birthday party and our anniversary party. The birthday party was at Courtney's house. So I started hitting the beer. Much better.

Headed back to Kyle's, he puts on the Evolution of Robin Thicke and I get pissed. I'm talking switching songs, getting out of the car, slamming the door, stomping up the stairs, into the apartment, throwing my stuff around, pissed. He says, "What's wrong?" Really?!?!?! What's wrong?!! You really don't know? "Why did you play that cd?" "Because I wanted to hear something mellow and its my favorite R&B cd right now." I hate you. I gave him that cd. "To the Sky" was our song. And you thought it was cool to play it? What a jerk.

The next morning I told him I couldn't see him anymore. Amazingly, he asked why not. "Because I thought we were going to be together forever. Last night you told me you broke up with me because you knew it wouldn't work out long term." "I didn't say I knew. I said I thought." "Well you felt strongly enough about it to end it. And if you don't want to be with me, and you're obviously ready to move on, then I have to move on as well. And I can't do that by seeing you and you telling me you still love me. And this is so awkward." "I didn't think it would always be like that. This is so final."

What do you want from me? I didn't ask that again, but I don't understand what he expected when he broke up with me. While I was there he sounded so disappointed that I wouldn't even let him hug me without permission. I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND. And right now, I'm not sure I can be your friend. I still love you and I have to stop. I can't do that when I'm seeing you. Did you think I'd still come to Connecticut every other month? Hug you? Cuddle with you? Empathize with you over every event in your life? I have to let you go like you decided to do with me.

19 comments:

Leela said...

wow. i'm not sure what he expects either. but it is rather thoughtless and unfair of him to think that he can continue to do relationship things when you are no longer together. is he having second thoughts? or does he want all the good parts minus the commitment?
maybe the breakup was a bit too fresh for you to see him. then again, i suppose that depends on what you were hoping to gain from your visit.

ps does kyle read this blog?

Vdizzle said...

You know why he was so confused? Because men are stupid. Literally, it's scientifically proven that their brains don't function as efficiently as ours (I'm gonna find that Time magazine article).
Now to this, you made the right decision cause I had to learn the hard way. I knew I shouldn't go back and forth and when I finally cut it off for good, I had to spend almost six months in effin' stealth mode avoiding this negro cause he didn't get it. (you remember that blog right?)
Stay strong girl...big hug...and some chocolate...snicker's bar?

So...Wise...Sista said...

You know whats interesting, is that in telling this story you obviously were putting off the painful details, much like I imagine it's processed in your head. You eventually approached the inevitable and it sucked, just like in the story. :(

For you guys to be so close for so long, I'm really disappointed that he didnt have enough respect for your friendship and for you, to talk to you about his doubts. Talk about blindsided. Thats cowardly and fcuked up and exacerbated by his desire to maintain ANY sense of normalcy with you. I can only imagine how hard this is, but it's not gonna be easy at all if he's in your face all the damn time. You gotta undo the attachment and all that shit, and you KNOW you made the right decision by not cuddling/hugging and by cutting him off. Proud a ya, girlie!

CNEL said...

First, honestly I was wondering why you even went but you were going to do what you felt you needed to do, or were ready to do, regardless.

Second ewww to beer. Yuck.

Third, I'm with Wise. If there were doubts and that was the main reason, or one of the reasons for the break up, why weren't they explored earlier? Those things don't assuage themselves, we only get over doubts by a) being reassured that they are unfounded or b) being assured that the effort put into disproving doubts will be well worth it.

Also I think that belief that things should stay the same, old routines and habits continue even after a break up is just plain stupid. Things aren't the same so people needn't act like it. Glad you already knew.

Good of you to take a stand, and continue in your process of growing into a better you.

everythingiseverything said...

Hey Jameil what's happening...it's your "big sis" HU c/o 2001

X Factor said...

Yes you do. Have to let him go, I mean. It NEVER helps to try to cling to the way things used to be when they aren't that way anymore. It is incredibly painful, especially when a man that you loved and more importantly, LIKED, couldn't or wouldn't confide in you. Jameil he owes you an explanation. Not one or two words, but an EXPLANATION. But you can't make him give it to you. He has to understand that its not only necessary but just plain IMPERATIVE. You have to find your own brand of closure, but know that true closure will only come when BOTH people can be completely honest with one another.
I'm proud of your strength. Probably doesn't feel like it, but you came out on top.

La said...

Wow. Wow Jam.

I don't know if I can even put into words how much I admire you right now. If I saw the Mexican right now, you might wind up covering my story on the news, lol.

I'm proud of you for standing your ground, for even going. But that doesn't seem like it does it enough justice.

I wanna be like you when I grow up. :-)

Sha Boogie said...

Good for you! You let him know he could not have his cake and eat it too (who made up that saying?..lol) I bet it was HARD,especially since ya'll still having feelings (note, I said YA'LL) *sigh* such is life...
AND its nice to know I'm not the only chic that guzzles beer..LOL
Good question Leela! I want to know too...

Madam said...

Damn I missed a lot!!!!

Good decision. How can you heal when what's hurting you continues to be a factor?

I gotta go catch up now...

jameil1922 said...

leela. i have no idea what his problem is. i felt like i didn't have a choice but to go see him. it needed to be done. like ripping off a bandaid. he used to read it, but not regularly. i don't know if he still does. why?

v... sigh. at least there will be no sneaking around for me. i don't like chocolate like that so its not a comfort food for me.

wise... i couldn't even begin to describe how disappointed i am in him. when i was there, not being all up under him actually wasn't that hard because i had so many emotions. one time i was so pissed, i said to myself, if he tries to kiss me, i will punch him in the face.

cnel... have you ever been in love? on the beer tip, grow up.

everything... what's up yt. hope you become a regular. you've walked in on a mess! sorry! :)

x... everything he says sounds hollow and stupid. really what explanation could you have for breaking up with someone you consider your best friend other than fear?

i do kind of feel like i came out on top because i know he was miserable. there needs to be some reciprocity. i can't be the only one feeling like crap.

thanks la. it helps that someone else is going thru this, too.

sha... why does it matter if he still reads it? if he had the guts to ask me i would tell him all of it and more. i've never had a problem communicating.

madam. yeah. you've been seriously slackin on your pimpin.

Mr.Slish said...

I swear Folks like to torture themselves...Why you go and see that Man after he had already broken up with you. Why???

I have a rule when it comes to breaking up with someone..NO COMMUNICATION until you have completely purged the get back together feelings.

You walked right into that Jam Jam you went to Ct looking for something that wasn't there. Kyle is thinking about Kyle...

Let Uncle Slishy break this down for you..Kyle has met another chick. She's probably closer to home and maybe just maybe he feels she is more compatible with him. Since Kyle considers himself a nice guy. He gives that bogus it not you its me speech and fades to black.

Wake up sista MEN are not as dense as you think. We know exactly what we're doing and why its being done.

JOB said...

Jameil, I have to agree with Mr. Slish, men are "downhill" creatures, and if something is too strenuous or difficult, we tend to gravitate toward the easy route.

It's easy to throw out the "it's not you, it's me," thing. Especially when, as you say, he's conveniently telling (or not telling) his friends whatever.

And in reference to Leela's question, you better damn well believe he is reading it now. Who wouldn't want to know if they're being mentioned on the internets?

CNEL said...

J, I have been in love.

To the beer comment bottles and cans are disgusting. If I had to drink beer it'd only be off tap.

Vdizzle said...

Yeah you men know what the hell you be doing and it's all stupid immature shit.

Slish, you just proved that, talking about no communication until you've completely purged the get back together feelings.

If he just randomly dropped the relationship with no real reason, then some communication still needs to take place. Immediately. Y'all need to grow a pair and man up!!

And J, Heinekens are ALWAYS in order in this situation. In the bottle, on tap, keg can, whatEVA!! Up with beer!!

jameil1922 said...

slish. really? wake up? you don't think that's a little harsh? i'm not stupid. i already had my ticket. yeah it was a form of torture but WE WERE FRIENDS FOR 6 YEARS!! it ain't easy to just end it. if everything you said is true, to that i say: what an asshole. oh yes i know he's thinking about kyle. trust and believe i will move on. i have no desire to be in my 30s and look around asking where did my life go and wondering why i've been spending it with people who aren't going anywhere.

job... oh well, read away. but don't come to me like nothing happened.

to both of you:
why still call me and all those other pretenses? if you're ready to break up, BE DONE!! DON'T BE MAD WHEN I MOVE ON! LEAVE ME ALONE!! selfish.

v... i just don't want to go there with the commuication. i just want to be done with this part of my life. tho it is highly out of character for me to quote jay: love me or leave me alone.

La said...

why be selfish? because he's a person. I won't say he's a man, because women are prone to the same kind of egocentric behavior. He's the bad guy, but he doesn't want to be. He's started to move on, but isn't all the way ready to keep it movin' yet and he wants to take you down with him. I know I've done it before. It doesn't make him a bad person; just a weak one.

Bklyn Diva said...

congrats!!!! closure!!! or somewhat.. :) not sure how far you got but I know you felt BETTER though.. I know that was the hardest thing to do because I've been there myself.. and I'm so happy that you stood up for yourself.. a lot of women DON'T have that willpower!

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

ditto so wise

he can go somewhere with all that. get a puppy or something.

spchrist said...

Wow. I have to agree with much of what Mr. Slish said and Mr. Slish you might have save me from doing something I'm not sure I'm ready for at this moment.

My ex broke up with me on Easter and just recently she agreed to meet up with me to talk. I haven't fully decided if I will go through with it but I'm not for drama and might rethink this situation after reading this account.

My mind says that I'm over her but I'm not sure my heart is in full agreement. Maybe, I do need the closure and should just go through with it and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe, I do owe her the chance to explain why she broke up with me...since I didn't give her that chance the night she called.