A Bit Disappointed: A Walk Down Memory Lane

There was a guy I "talked to" for 2 years on and off. Give or take a few months. It started with me liking his friend with the unusual name, and the beautiful hair, who was brilliant and also from our home state. I thought they were both cute but the friend, we'll call him, G, was quite to my liking. Until I found out he had a girl. Granted, at this time, I had a boyfriend. A long distance boyfriend. My high school sweetheart. I had no intentions of cheating on him, but I did like to look, and I certainly liked to flirt. The boyfriend had already told me how I could light up a room with my smile so I used that to my advantage. (I know I will get some flack for that sentence!)

It eventually ended with the boyfriend early sophomore year. By that time I'd shifted my attention to G's friend, we'll call him J. I will forever blame G for J. Is that too confusing? Let's give J a full name. Jamal. I kind of like that name. I really like guys named Jamel, as strange as that sounds. I've met more than one cutie whose name was pronounced the same as mine, but spelled differently. Heeeey Jamel! *insert winning smile* Lol.

So Jamal. Very unlike his actual, quite white bread name, but we'll go with it because I've never dated a Jamal. I think I flirted with a Jamal before. I know I flirted with a Jamal before, but I never dated one. I also knew a boy named Jamal who had a friend named Bobby. I called him Bobby Digital. One night my girl had a "surprise" birthday party (she'd asked us to give her one) and all of Bobby Digital's friends came separately and told me he'd been asking about me. That was flattering then weird but mostly flattering. He went to a school about 45 minutes away. It didn't work out.

Back to NC Jamal. Toward the end of sophomore year, his interest in me grew. He gave me his number at the end of the semester and asked me to call him over the summer. He didn't think I would, but one night I was bored. So I did. We talked for hours that night. And the next night. And the next. And the next. For the entire summer, we stayed on the phone for hours. This isn't really anything new for me. I can always keep people on the phone for hours. And usually connect with the type of talkative people who are amenable to such chit chat. The person I don't stay on the phone for hours with is really more of the anomaly.

Jamal and I talked our faces off the entire summer. He was a talker and actually a good listener, too. When we got back to school, it was only natural that we spend some time together in person. We started with walks along the waterfront and around the campus. Hahaha. Not as romantic as it sounds. It could be, I guess, but I loved the water so much I would walk around with anyone. That was not a sign of my affection for you. He had a habit, though, of saying chauvinistic things which never works for me. I would get mad and not talk to him for months, then we'd be cool again, then off again and on again and on and on for 2 years. We would go days or weeks or months without talking.

Finally I lost it for good in September 2003 (fall senior year). Me and my friend went to his house to We were listening to this Luda song (warning: not for young ears and eyes) and arguing. Read the lyrics if you want to understand why I got a more than a little bit upset when he started singing the chorus in my direction. Of course when I react he says, "I wasn't talking about you." I stormed out of his house leaving my friend behind and an alleged hole in the wall. I only heard about it afterwards because I was so busy making an exit. I never saw it so to me it didn't exist. On the way out I said, "If you see me on the street, act like you don't know me. I mean it."

And I was so sincere. Of course he didn't believe me because though I'd never been quite that definite with my choice of words, like I said we had been off and on for 2 years. You know how everyone has that one person they just can't eradicate from their lives? That was Jamal for me. But this time I was serious. When he saw me, he would speak and I would ignore with the "I hear nothing" face and keep walking. He played himself hard in the union on more than one occasion with that one. Since he lived off campus and our majors were completely dissimilar, we rarely saw each other on campus making it even easier to stick to my word.

Fast forward to the day before graduation. We had our last union jam (though it was in the student center and the first union jam freshman year was in the temporary union... no matter) and of course he was there. He was very intoxicated. He tried the whole speaking thing and got ignored again. He grabs my arm and you know the room went dark. Well it was night and we were outside so I'll say I saw red. I told him to take his hands off of me. Dramatic and I don't like scenes so I was pissed about that. He says, "Come on baby," (whoa. don't call me baby.) "You still mad about that?" I can't remember the whole conversation but he tried to get his friends to convince me to talk to him, I refused. I went about my merry way before some things really popped off.

Despite all of this, I didn't see him at homecoming and I was kind of disappointed. Why? Because I've been working out and know the physique is faaaabulous AND I have a job others find impressive. Plus, you know I wanted to make it rain with my business cards. I could've done that right in front of his face. I would've been nice and calm and cordial. It would've been so fabulous. We were with his homie all weekend long! But alas, it was not meant to be. I don't plan on going to homecoming this year so who knows when the opportunity will present itself again. At the time I was a tad disappointed. Now I'm very que sera sera, c'est la vie and who cares! Fabulosa strikes again!

Ask and you shall receive

I said you guys could ask me some questions, too. Cnel came up with five more. Y'all so nosy.

1) Where do see yourself five years from now?
Wow. I have no idea. 3 weeks ago I would've said married. Now? Same. The view's a bit different but I can't imagine not being married at 29, almost 30, though I know plenty of people who are/were. On the professional level, I will be running something, calling shots. "Wanna be a... balla, shot calla!" Name that song. I bet Joy will be the first or La. I will probably be making documentaries at that point, too. Something about black people.

2) What constitutes the ideal friendship?
Honesty is paramount. If you're gonna lie to me, it's best we not talk. If you're going to expect me not to be honest, you shouldn't ask. I'm not going to try to hurt your feelings, but if you ask a question, I'll answer honestly. Do I think your boyfriend's a bastard? Yeah. You know you deserve to be treated better. Do you look fat in that? That does not flatter you. Go up a size. Etc, etc. I also need a friend who is happy for me. If your depression outweighs the happiest event in my life, then what's the point. You ALWAYS have something negative to say, I can't deal. Fun is near unparallel. I like a talker, but a listener is tres important as well.

3) What do you consider your best qualities?
My honesty, drive and charisma. I can come off a bit harsh, but when I want to be, I am quite charming. And I love to have fun! Who can beat that?

4) If you were not in journalism, what would you be doing?
Documentaries. But its still journalism to me, just in a longer form. I wouldn't want to be a documentarian (I don't know if I just made that up) who puts her opinion in every work. I just want to tell people's stories. I also wouldn't mind being a researcher or fact checker. But I would still need to be writing and calling the shots on some level.

5) What's your favorite drink aside from nasty a%% beer?
Beer is more cost efficient. You have to figure out what beer flavors you like. I'm not a fan of Coronas or Heinekens but the more I drink beer, the less repulsive they become. I can't stand Coors Lite and Miller Lite is worse. Blech. I'm a fan of Honey Brown and Yuengling.

I love margaritas. I also like tequila sunrises. (sense a pattern?) Soco and lime is a yummy choice, too. Amaretto sours are good. Don't get me started.

Dearest Friend,

I love you so much. You are one of the closest people to me. I don't know how to tell you this. I've been saying it in one way or another for months, maybe more than a year now. I'm not really sure. My time perception is a little off. But I'm reasonably sure it's been since before the bf and I made it official.

Your best friend.

I know he's white and you're black and I've been one of our most vocal friends about interracial relationships. It's kind of funny actually because growing up where I did, surrounded by white people, nearly all of my early crushes were white guys. The rest were older males. I've been boy crazy since birth (according to my mom). My time perception was so off that I was certain I could make a relationship work with my crushes at the time. When I was 5, it was a 13 year old, when I was 7, it was a 14 year old, when I was 14, it was a 17 year old. They all ignored me for obvious reasons but hey. All I knew is that they weren't adults and they were cute! Hilarious.

I think the evolution away from interracial relationships started for me when I was in 3rd grade. The white guy down the street, Matt, rebuffed my attempts. Then the white guy, Brad at school rebuffed my attempts in 4th grade. I was confused. We were cool, we were friends, what's the problem? (Neither of them are doing anything interesting with their lives at this point. I say that not to be evil, but to say you stick with me kid, and you're goin places! Hahahahaha).

My mom was not a fan of interracial relationships, but she grew up in Mississippi in the 1960s. Its kind of ironic considering her grandfather was half white. The other day I found out my dad's grandmother was also half white. But ultimately, its not up to our parents, or grandparents or anyone else.

That boy loves you. He really does. I've never met him, but I know he loves you. He will do anything for you. And I don't think you could really do anything to make him stop. Don't be afraid of what other people will or would say about your relationship. You can't stop people from talking, but you also can't ignore your heart. It will only cause you pain in the long run. It's ok to be scared. Do you think I wasn't scared when I stopped fighting how I felt about the bf? You know I was. Because I talked about it incessantly! Lololol.

Look. The point is, you love him, he loves you. A lot of times it's not that easy. But this time, I think it is. Don't be afraid. Just jump. I know he'll catch you.