Gym Beefs

*this is an angry rant. if you are offended by harsh language, come back in a few days*

You know what? I hate you. Yeah you. The one who comes to the gym to socialize. I'm fly by my damn self ok? I don't need your validation. And I don't come here to make friends. I know that sounds bitchy and counterproductive for the girl who has not a single black female friend in Pittsburgh and would like to find one but OLD PEOPLE, MEN, I AM NOT HERE FOR YOU!!!!

And you know how women are. You can't go up to someone and just start talking. You can't be like, wanna be my friend? This is not the playground. It is not 8th grade or 4th grade by the monkey bars. I was sooo that girl. I had a million friends. Playing by yourself? I'll save her! Right Stace? Hahahaha. My only Capt. Save-a-hoe activies. I will not be the one to help out folk who don't want to help themselves, but in elementary school I was the one. Hahahahahaha.

Back to the gym. Yesterday I was PISSED!!!! This old white dude with I SWEAR inch long eyebrows. They were far beyond the average eyebrow line. He looked insane. AND he had on red daisy dukes. I'm disgusted by your attire. Apparently his whole coalition was there. Two people were on the ellipticals next to me, the other three including this giant man I have never seen actually on a machine or even walking on the track, only talking loudly with people actually working out, were standing around. STFU!!! I am not here to listen to your conversations. Take that ish outside. I'm gettin pissed all over again. THEN some woman who's hair was far too long for her age (she was like 35 with hair halfway down her back. you look ridiculous with hair that long after about 30. sorry about that. see ann curry when she was growing out her hair for an example of what does not work.) with too many earrings for her age (no lie, 5 per ear in progressively smaller hoops, WHO DOES THIS ANYMORE????? I know I'm the consumate fashion critic and all but seriously this is not the projects circa 1993... AND YOU'RE AT THE GYM!!) decides to talk OVER ME to the dudes all 65+ congregating on the ellipticals next to mine.

I was daydreaming while I was going to sleep last night about snapping at them, "Do you mind?" Know why? Because then when I got off the elliptical, do you know when I went to the stationary bikes ONE OF THESE ASSHOLES (eyebrows magee) decides to FOLLOW ME!!! GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN AKA EYEBROWS MAGEE!!! so pissed. I was seething. Just because I'm listening to my ipod doesn't mean I can't hear you, you yelling arse bastard!!! I put in a good 30 minutes total on the elliptical and bike but I did cut my time short because I couldn't take them. And they were everywhere!!! When I was doing my crunches, two dudes went up to another one and told him not to park in the one dude's space again. WTF?!!! I wanted to know where his space was so I could purposely park there. Rude bastards.

While we're talking about the gym, let's talk more about inappropriate clothing. I am not requesting you to be as fly as me because I mean, come on. But is it so much to ask you to match? Same color family? No? Well how bout you don't wear this color anymore: its a brownish mustard color. I don't really know how to describe it but I've seen far too much of it. I describe it as "ass ugly don't ever wear it again" or "regurgitated insides." Its disgusting and seems to be popular in menswear. This color is following me because I also saw it when I saw Kyle at the airport for like five minutes. Horrific.

Also, thou shalt not wear cutoff shirts, jockey shorts and combat boots. I can't make this up people. *shudder* I was going to say men should not wear it but women shouldn't either. Saw a woman in jockey shorts 5 seconds later and was equally appalled. Please don't. So grossed out. I also hate the people who feel the need to bare their stomachs. No matter what your stomach looks like, this is a bad move. If your body is nice, you're just showing off and pissing people off. If your body is a mess, you're grossing us out. Just cover yourself.

Old ladies in the gym. Why are they so willing to bare all? It's really nasty. And everytime I'm looking down while getting dressed trying to avoid eye contact with the wrinkled skin all over creation, I wonder if I'll be that old lady one day. Will I just whip off my towel in the middle of the locker room while some 24 year old cowers in the corner? I don't know. But for now, I'll just continue to cringe and pray daily today is not the day I have to see another one. Please. I don't ever want to see you naked lady no matter your age. Just stop. Thanks.