this is not how i wanted to spend my 100th post. i wanted to do something miraculous. something amazing. something that would make the people wanna come back for more. something that would get more comments, questions, and concern than a little bit. i even consulted with stace. i mean i talk to her as much as or more than the bf. she's absolutely one of my closest friends. i said what should i post about? we batted a couple of ideas around. another state of black america. why i love the bf. something i've been withholding. and those are coming but it just wasn't time.
for a while now there's been something bugging me. really bugging me. and i don't feel i have the freedom to talk about it. but suffice it to say i'm feeling used and unappreciated and i need to go back to church. matter of fact i need to find a church here. but then my mom's been telling me that for the last year. on july 8th i will have been in pittsburgh for a year. but i still don't have any forever friends here. there's one girl at work i'm closest to who may be someone i keep in contact with when one or both of us leaves. but the other people, i know if we ever keep in contact, we'll eventually let it go. which doesn't bother me so much. but it does bother me i haven't really made a connection here. despite myself, i like pittsburgh. i just don't want to live here. i would love to visit. in preparation for the bf's trip here on thursday... yay! :) i asked people at work about stuff to do. they gave me 3 pages of ideas. so many i'm exhausted on top of the ideas duck gave me, many of which were the same.
and i miss him. immensely. i know he'll be here in three days, but i mean beyond that. he was one of my closest friends first. when i don't talk to him for one day it feels like forever. yeah, i know. i've got it bad. but he does too so its ok. sometimes its overwhelming. i'm used to being around a lot of people i know and love who love me back. to being the life of the party who always knows where the party is and who to party with. i don't have that here. its discomforting. and kind of scary. if my dad wasn't here i don't know what i'd do. july 8th marks a year. one entire year. that's amazing. and there are things i need to do. some re-evaluating. and that's scary.
so where does the bad blood come in? i'm just going to leave it at there is an unsettled part of my life that needs to be changed. when the time comes, i'll let you all in.