6.26.2006

Bad Blood

this is not how i wanted to spend my 100th post. i wanted to do something miraculous. something amazing. something that would make the people wanna come back for more. something that would get more comments, questions, and concern than a little bit. i even consulted with stace. i mean i talk to her as much as or more than the bf. she's absolutely one of my closest friends. i said what should i post about? we batted a couple of ideas around. another state of black america. why i love the bf. something i've been withholding. and those are coming but it just wasn't time.

for a while now there's been something bugging me. really bugging me. and i don't feel i have the freedom to talk about it. but suffice it to say i'm feeling used and unappreciated and i need to go back to church. matter of fact i need to find a church here. but then my mom's been telling me that for the last year. on july 8th i will have been in pittsburgh for a year. but i still don't have any forever friends here. there's one girl at work i'm closest to who may be someone i keep in contact with when one or both of us leaves. but the other people, i know if we ever keep in contact, we'll eventually let it go. which doesn't bother me so much. but it does bother me i haven't really made a connection here. despite myself, i like pittsburgh. i just don't want to live here. i would love to visit. in preparation for the bf's trip here on thursday... yay! :) i asked people at work about stuff to do. they gave me 3 pages of ideas. so many i'm exhausted on top of the ideas duck gave me, many of which were the same.

and i miss him. immensely. i know he'll be here in three days, but i mean beyond that. he was one of my closest friends first. when i don't talk to him for one day it feels like forever. yeah, i know. i've got it bad. but he does too so its ok. sometimes its overwhelming. i'm used to being around a lot of people i know and love who love me back. to being the life of the party who always knows where the party is and who to party with. i don't have that here. its discomforting. and kind of scary. if my dad wasn't here i don't know what i'd do. july 8th marks a year. one entire year. that's amazing. and there are things i need to do. some re-evaluating. and that's scary.

so where does the bad blood come in? i'm just going to leave it at there is an unsettled part of my life that needs to be changed. when the time comes, i'll let you all in.

18 comments:

JOB said...

This might sound cliché... but not having that many friends is not such a bad thing, it lets you focus on what you need to do RIGHT NOW in order to kick major ass later. So dealing with that for now will pay off in the end.

Ladynay said...

We don't make forever friends where ever we go. I am excited for you about your bf coming in a few days. We are here when/if you ever feel like sharing your bad blood situation....

Cluizel said...

Awwww...it could be a lot worse...you could have no best friend boyfriend AND not have your Dad...I'll trade places with you anyday! lol.

Seriously...who knows where you will be in a few months...you could be in your dream city producing a show and look back on your year or so in Pittsburgh and laugh.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

Wow J. Of course it could always be worse, but it could also be better! What's good with Pitt sorors? I know you are in a different life stage than undergrads but what have you got to lose?

Dreamlover said...

i'm sorry, I can tell you have alot going through your mind right now.

But look forward to seeing yor boyfriend and deal with the rest day by day!

LaurenAshleigh said...

It is possible that you haven't made any forever friends there because it is not a place you are supposed to say. Perhaps it is just to prepare you for where you are to end up, where you will start to make those forever friends. It is much harder to leave a place when you have forever friends there (take it from me). So perhaps it is a self preservation thing; to make sure that when the time comes, you will be able to move on with few strings and no regrets to whatever life has in store for you.

jameil1922 said...

i know i'm not supposed to make forever friends everywhere, but its annoying i don't even have anyone to go out with. boring and annoying.

sl... i don't think i'll look back on it and laugh but this has been a major growing year for me. its definitely where i needed to be for several reasons.

stace... not only different stage of life, different mentality. you barely hang w/undergrads and you're still there. everything is magnified there. "omg can you believe what she said to me? i know she didn't say that to me." and that's the biggest thing in their world for weeks. i can't deal w/that. the most i can do right now is advise. and what am i gonna do, go to all the college parties on campus? i went to an off-campus party and it was so far from a bangin hampton party i said never again. that's not for me anymore. i'm grown. what i look like hangin w/some 18 y.o.s in their first club?

dream... show you right. day by day.

la... and i know i'm not supposed to stay here. i felt i in the first 2 months i was here. but damn if i don't need someone to hang out with! geez. lol. and i didn't look at it that way but yeah, picking up and leaving will be infinitely easier. leaving hampton was like selling my first born child.

The Very Reverend Ace Clemmons, Jr. said...

that was a *teaser* post. I suspect a multipart cliffhanger coming up.

goody.

the good reverend.

PS: move to NYC- isnt your guy up here somewhere?

4EverJennayNay said...

i admire your courage to live in a place where you don't know many people. even tho i'll be only about an hour away from my fam in durham after i make this move, i'll prolly have some feelings like what you are having now... like i'm not connected to the local. Sometimes not having people to distract you is a good thing, but you still want to feel connected. On the other hand its kinda weird starting over completely with no friends or connections.

On the note of church, it's kinda weird but sometimes it takes something familiar (that you might have pushed to the side) to bring you back to comfort. And you know church is a good place to connect with people where they (most likely) will be concerned about how you're adjusting. There's usually always something to do church-related. Church might not be a bad idea.

Jarrod said...

I have to agree with the majority of the comments...don't worry about friends. Get your career going in the direction you want it to be going in. You're doing better than most with your Dad up there. As for church, I feel you on needing to go. As the son of a preacher's kid I get the same questions.

DP said...

As a lifelong Pittsburgher....who would NEVER live there again,


Folk in Pittsburgh are a tad bit wack. Its a slow lil place, and I can imagine it being hard for a cosmopolitan young lady like yourself to make friends.


TO say nothing of the fact that you so damn fly you must be hella intimidating to other women.

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

is pitt that bad to live?......is there a lot of spots to hit?

Peabo DeBarge said...

miguel says "friends are overrated anyway...get a puppy." j/k

but seriously, here's what you do. find the 2 or 3 people at work who kinda keep to themselves, come in, do the job and bounce. they're not involved in the he said/she said loop, and rarely hang out with the "in" crowd. but at the same time, they're not so distant that they come off as the "creepy one who may eventually blow up the lobby" type. that's who you need to kick it with.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Dammit I know how you feel. Sucks. Yes, you do need friends. Not necessarily 'best friends forever', but socializing is a major part of being a recent grad. And not having that makes life seem out of balance. Church is a great place to start, I think. It will at the very least, give you a solid routine, and a group of people who will eventually feel familiar. (I know you work nonsensical hours right now, so I hope Sunday mornings are even feasible for you).

On another note, it sounds like you won't feel totally fulfilled unless you are within a reasonable distance from the BF...which makes perfect sense. You guys are def on to something...so I'm hoping that you're headed to Indianapolis this summer to make those moves. :) Good luck, sis!

jameil1922 said...

rev... oh goodness.. who's been recruiting you in that vein? he lives in CT, but everyone is trying to get me up in that region. its cold! can't we move to california? california knows how to party.

jennay... an hour will be fine! i would be so excited to be an hour from my fam. i'm used to being far away b/c hampton was 6hrs from home. now i'm 8hrs from my mom. daddies aren't the same.

jarrod... yeah... my career is the only reason i moved here, but i need some drankin patnahs. i KNOW you know the deal.

dp... show ya right!! lmao. i see i've adequately brain washed you. also... people think pittsburgh and think north. i keep telling them its waaaaay slower up here than in charlotte. they don't believe me.

sarcasstik... i see you are just becoming a regular... read my fresh azimiz post. there are several others but i think that one will suffice.

petey... yuuuuuuuurp. and i can't do no puppy right now. they need you to take care of them. but we do all these animal stories makin me wanna adopt. awww!

wise... sunday am is hit or miss for me. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. and you're right... i'm miserable being forever away from him. i'm absolutely tryin to get to indy.

CNEL said...

I'm thinking maybe the lack of "foreverfriends" is a message to you, to count those already friends and cherish them a little more. I'd rather have just a few friends that I consider close, bestfriends, forever friends, than those I'd have to wonder about.

You and the BF sound so lovey dovey. I was reading these quotes that I had written down and stuck in my wallet. A few years ago one of my boys was convinced I liked one of my close female friends. He said, "The first person you think about when you wake up. The last person you think about when you go to sleep. That's love." I get the feeling you believe this to be true. :-)

DP said...

aint no brainwashing goin on here Jameil, I know fly when im in the presence of it.


Pittsburgh is midwestern...not "north"


Pittsburgh operates on a speed like say...Omaha...or Columbus...

Its big..cause the other stuff is so small...

But it has a VERY small town feel to it...which persists because people dont travel a whole lot.

jameil1922 said...

dp... exactly. that's damn near the exact recitation i give people who don't know/understand things abt pittsburgh.