There comes a time in our lives where we have to grow up. And sometimes that means leaving behind people you've outgrown or who have outgrown you.
From a very young age, I've had to let go of friends at different stages in my life. In first grade, my next door neighbor Adrienne was also my closest friend. Her father did not approve of our friendship (they were white), or her family's kindness toward us, so they moved away. Though I didn't realize it at the time, I was being prepared for the rest of my life.
When transitioning from elementary to middle school, I lost several people I considered friends. Transitioning to high school from middle school, more people fell to the wayside. I wasn't as upset, though because I had created my core. Some of the friends I made in middle school are still my closest friends from home. I'm friends with nearly no one from high school. Again, not really a problem.
People leave our lives for a reason. But the WAY they leave is key. My best friend in middle and high school just stopped talking to me. For a month I would call her and get nothing. A solid month. This after we were used to speaking daily or every other day. Who does that? Then she didn't understand why when she finally called me and there was no normal explanation I didn't really have anything to say to her. So that was a wrap.
Then there was my high school sweetheart. We started dating the end of our senior year in high school, but we had been friends throughout. We were in the band together. We went to Europe together the summer after senior year with American Music Abroad. We stayed together through freshman year in college even though he was at NC A&T and I was at Hampton. The end of that year was kind of rocky but we fixed it over the summer. Or so I thought. When we got back to our respective schools, suddenly e-mails and phone calls weren't being answered. And I knew he was getting my messages because his roommate was in the band with us in high school too and he sounded mortified to talk to me. We were all friends. The last straw was when he missed our two year anniversary.
Wouldn't you call that the last straw? Yeah... then about two weeks later he called me making some excuse about not having a computer or a phone card to call me. Phone card, doubtful. Computer? Liar. He was a computer science major. There are computers all up in and through your academic building. I told him not to contact me anymore. We didn't speak again until his brother and my sister (who were friends) graduated from high school. And that was only because I'm ridiculously friendly. I had already spoken to him kindly because I recognized him before my brain kicked in and said, "WAIT!! You don't like him!! He's a (insert inappropriate language)!!!!" But it was too late. CURSES!! But it lasted that day. We haven't spoken since. That was June 2002.
The next person was my closest friend in college. We were inseparable. People always asked about the other one when one of us wasn't around. We met at Honors College Orientation freshman year. But we didn't really become friends then. Sophomore year we lived next door to each other. I knocked on K's door to see if she wanted to go to church with me and my friend C and she said sure. So we all went to church, then breakfast. Then me and K went to our first class, saw each other. Went to our second class... saw each other. Exchanged schedules and found out we had 6 out of 7 classes together. So that was pretty much it.
She became my drinking partner (scuze me, drankin pahtah! hahahaha) and librarian. Best combo ever. We had our knock down, drag out fights. Then less than a year after graduation, the talking stopped completely. Of course I was hurt but in the last month or so (yes it took almost 2 years) I've gotten over it. We were growing in different directions. Better we just stop talking than kill each other.
I've had to cut some people off myself. Its a necessary evil. We have to be willing to grow up and move on. If a relationship is not working for you, dragging you down mentally, infusing your life with negativity, let it go. Move on.
19 comments:
"Many people are leaves that will blow in and out of your life others are branches that will snap with a little bit of pressure or weight, while there are still a select few who are roots."
-Amelia W.
When I read this on my friends blog I thought to myself, truth.
I think college is the reality check for most, if it hasn't already happened. So many people go to college and "get brand new" on you, and forget about that supposed friendship. I've learned friendships like any relationships aren't meant to be one sided. If your holding on for dear life to a friendship which only you seem to care about, let it go.
I heard somewhere the average person (I think they mean atleast 30 yr old adult) has four close friends, and they've on average known that person 10-12 years. Muy interesante.
i hear ya. i only talk to a handfull of people from school. but lauren and i transcend academics. we've been cool 10 years and many a friend has come and gone. they enter your lives for a reason and give you a good story to tell.
I think I'm lucky in the fact that I'm still good friends with all my boys from high school. We may not talk as much, but when we do we pick right up where we left off. College friends though...I'd say I've got a handful I consider real, hold-me-down friends
cnel... i have always been popular. but unlike the past there are not a whole lot of people i consider friends. i have lots of acquaintances and am reluctant to use the word "friend." its important to make that distinction so you don't end up the fool.
i've heard that avg. person number before. the older i get, the closer i get to that number being a reality. its bizarre tho b/c i never thought that would be me.
joy... the number shrinks every year. out of my middle school crew of 6, there are only 2 i think HAVE to be in my wedding (my test of who i'm closest to). from college there are people i'm closer to now than i was when we finished college which i think is pretty cool.
jarrod.. the h.s. thing i think bothers me the least out of all the moving on. there was one person there i was really really close to. he's in namibia in the peace corps now and doesn't really count b/c i've known him since first grade. he'll be in my life forever, no matter how large a part he plays.
So generic but...
Everything happens for a reason...
I feel you on the people from high school. I really wasn't all that popular, so I can't that say I really miss anybody. But my oldest friend and I have known each other for 26 years now. We lost touch for a few years when she went to college at Bennett and I was at VCU, but after she graduated and started working, we fell right back in. It's just one of those relationships that I know will always be in my life. If you had written this a few months ago, I would've said that I can point to one really close friendship that fell apart that I wish I could get back. But it seems to rebuilding itself, so I guess we'll see...
hey i am glad that i have found another rachel ray fanatic ... isnt that lasagna fabulous!!! i know how you feel about friendship... and having to leave people behind more than you know ... i will mos def keep an eye on your blog ...and do the same with mine ... i always need advice ...
You should listen to this song called "I'm moving On," it's by a country group called "Rascal Flatts." It's a very good song (even though it's country) and it talks about this very thing.
Man Jameil, you know I need this post more than anything. Why is it that moving on is so hard for some people? And when I do finally make the distinction btwn friend, acquaintance and down right foe, why do I get so much flack? Oh well, time to grow up Stace. Bomb post J.
man... i have no wedding party. just a maid of honor and no one else. that sucks... but at the same time, it shows how discerning i am about it.
I know the feeling, so many friends and I no longer talk and it makes me sad sometimes but that is the path of life I guess.
You gotta do what is necessary. I have let people go. Sometimes because they are going down a path that could be dangerous. I dont hate them, it just forces me to not interact with them as much as I used to.
the numbers that cnel dropped are on point, as i fit that profile. my circle consists of the same cats i met in 10th grade in basketball practice. i love & hate them niggas at the same time, i don't even consider them friends anymore, they're my brothers.
x.. i can see myself getting closer and closer to that.
amber.. yay! rachael ray fans are always welcome.
rell... i'll keep that in the back of my head. i'm rebelling against country b/c so many people here love it and i think that's odd.
stace... yes hunny. we're gonna get you to let these people go eventually. i have faith in you. you can do it.
joy... i really want to have only 3 people. those are the people i'm closest to. but i think i'll have 5.
dream.. yeah sometimes it is sad but sometimes its a relief to let go of something that wasn't working anyway. but there are better ways than some of us choose to move on.
epsi... yeah the dangerous ones are the main ones you have to watch out for.
peabo... that name. you are a mess. i love that y'all met at bball practice. so cute. guys are so good at bonding. much better at weeding out the bullshitters and useless hangers on. probably b/c y'all care a lot less abt feelings. sometimes that's a good thing.
my friends from HS are probably the ones I'm closest with. We may not talk as much, but I love them deeply. Theres one friend that I have been close to for 23 years... I think the reason we stay so close is because we are far a part.
Real talk Jam, real talk.
I had a friend who I kept around for years despite her being bad for me when everyone was telling me I needed to be done with her. i didnt actually stop talking to her until she left me stranded at the airport late one night.
I wonder what takes us so long to let go to things that dont wish to be held
Co-sign on this post FOR REAL!!! I had a whole crew in middle school that didn't click in H.S. I think I decided on the straight and narrow, while the rest of my girls decided on that zigzag path past promiscuity, drugs (and Rock N Roll) okay, maybe not the latter...but they go hand-in-hand right? sex drugs rock and roll. ha.
jenn... yes. my home girls from home are my ride or die ladies. we may only talk 4 or 5xs a year but that's ok. we pick up right where we left off.
la... i don't know. guilt? you don't want to kick someone when they're down. but at some point you have got to take some proactive steps for yourself. you can't help people to your own detriment. sometimes it just takes that final event to push you over the edge.
a lot of comment deleting from authors here....
elle... that's what it bes like sometimes.
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