5.05.2006

Unreasonable Requests

Apparently I am the queen of these. I just got off the phone with the b.f. He said, "There are a lot of rules for when you come here." I'm baffled. I said, "What? What are the rules?" He says, "I can't wash clothes. I can't play basketball. I can't call people back." Don't forget you can't play video games. Why? Because these are all things you can do when I'm not with you that you can't do when I'm here!!! Why?? Because you don't need me around to do any of those things. I'm not going to help you wash clothes. I don't want to sit around and watch you play ball. I don't play video games. And if you're talking to other people, you're not talking to me. I am almost willing to let the calling people back thing slide. He only gets the opportunity to call people back on his days off. I will be there for both of those. As long as its not taking hours, I don't see a problem. But the rest of it.... what the hell????? Are these unreasonable requests?

37 comments:

business voodoo said...

i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who gave me a laundry lists of do's and don'ts ... christ ... life gives you enough of those ... you certainly do not need another person telling you what you can or cannot do ...

laundry ... do it together (or you never will)
basketball ... time for space within the relationship
call people back ... what kind of vacuum do you
want to live in?

with so many rules, it just creates who you can't be ... and a good relationship is one where you can just be.

peace & harmony,
elaine
'freedom must be exercised to stay in shape'

jameil1922 said...

sigh. ok i'll let this slide b/c you don't know the background. we live 8 hours apart. i'm flying in to see him for the first time in two months. it wouldn't be an issue if we saw each other every day or even once a week. but when we see each other a maximum of once a month, i don't think its crazy to want to maximize our time. so i'll repose this. unreasonable requests?

Ladynay said...

I don't know your boo but I don't think he was being literal. I think he is just saying they yall are only going to be in face to face contact for a small amount of time and he wants to spent it doing things that yall can only do together, everything else can wait.

Miss Ashli said...

Jameil I don't think those were unreasonable at all. Just get all of that out of your system by 4pm on Monday, its girls night out. We can celebrate Stacie's bday without her.

Epsilonicus said...

You should not have rules for when you go to see him. It makes a man feel like you want to be his mother when you have rules for things like that.

jameil1922 said...

ladynay that's what I was saying. he was like i don't understand what the big deal is... huh?

ash i can't wait until stace reads that!! LMAO!!

epsi... he used the term rules, not me. come on! we haven't seen each other in 2 months!! can't you think of some stuff we can do w/our time other than laundry? i can.

T Dot said...

I feel you. Good thing is, my guy lives 3 hours away so we see each other more often. But if he has something to do, no problem with me. If he's watching the game, I'm a Lakers fan for the day (though its Pistons, all day, erryday). Last time I went, he had a meeting for NABJ. I tagged along. I still call him out for stuff he could've done before I got there, but mostly, I figure, I'm here and as long as we're together that's what counts. But trust we have to have some "us" time: dinner, movies, chilling, something. So I feel you. And I know your boo has to understand where you're coming from.

jameil1922 said...

t!!!!! yes!!!! that's all i'm sayin!! you know i'm notorious for breaking into song. so today we will do xscape: what i need from you is understaaaaaaaaanding. if we can communicate but you don't hear what i say. doo doo doo doo doo dooooo.

yeah girl you know you like that. i'm still trying to figure out if he gets it. it definitely wasn't a fight or anything. more like an observation by him and incredulity by me.

Toni Phoenix said...

I'm thinking your request is reasonable given the long distance situation. However, you might try participating or helping him with some of those things so you're doing it together and he doesn't feel like you're being demanding...while still maximizing you're time. I feel you though.

Karamale said...

but see, he ain't trying to hear "understanding." he trying to hear "the softest place on earth." or be in it, rather.

jameil1922 said...

toni... but i'm a demanding person. that's just who i am. he knew what he was getting himself into. we've been best friends for more than 3 years. i don't think doing laundry is maximizing our time.

karamale... don't seem like that to me!

jameil1922 said...

alright guys. it looks like we're going to disagree on this one. i'm going to CT tomorrow to visit the b.f. Regardless my baby and i are going to have a fabulous time. we have fun even when we're just picking each other's belly button lint. its quite sexy. one of the great things he brings out of me is the ability to let go and just be myself. and because our time together is so limited, i don't let things like this rile me up. for what? lets hear some good arguments. sands, duck, stace, miss a, so wise, rell, sp. i'm counting on each of you and more to make some sound contributions. go.

D. Sands said...

I had my boo come through one weekend, and it fell on the worse weekend possible. I had 10 Million things to do. I think we as men feel obligated to do everything we can to make you feel that you have as much of our attention as possible. We feel bad when it doesn't go that way, too. Really bad. And to that end, I think your requests are unreasonable. Talk to him. See if there's anything you can do together that will help him get things done. Try and see how it is to live in his shoes.

Remember: these are good problems to have. You're in a long distance relationship. You're making it work. You should both be commended. Save the race!

He is black, right?

DNastyOne said...

Tell him that basically he is getting a preview OF WHAT MARRIAGE IS LIKE!!!!!

Duck said...

Belly button lint?

Ew, Jameil.

Ew.

Laundry... help him do it. Menial chores are fun bonding experience. Just don't touch his drawers if they have skid marks.

Basketball... that can wait. Tell him if wants a workout, then...well... you know.... :-)

Call people back... only for a few minutes. In which case he has every obligation to say, "Yo, let me talk to you later, my queen is here."

Video games... Take a nap. He can entertain himself with Halo while you're snoozing.

Don't be a time Nazi with him. That has the potential to suck the fun out of your weekend. (Of course, as I'm writing this, your weekend has probably already begun. Sorry.) But enjoy each other's company and let the boy breeeeeathe... LOL. Your visit is about you two having fun, so don't give him any reason to resent you afterward.

CNEL said...

"I'm thinking your request is reasonable given the long distance situation."

Ditto Toni on that

"Talk to him. See if there's anything you can do together that will help him get things done. Try and see how it is to live in his shoes."

Mr. Sands makes a great point.

"Don't be a time Nazi with him. That has the potential to suck the fun out of your weekend."

Ditto Duck.

For Future Reference and you already know this compromise is the name of the game, you can be demading, and be reasonable without giving up too much.

jameil1922 said...

f compromise.

CNEL said...

Well as long as you didn't say F me.

DP said...

I am not gonna lie and say i read what yall said cause it doesnt matter what yall said...(im partially kidding)

The reality is in a Long distance relationship...there is an expectation that your life gets put on hold when your SO comes to town. I dont know how long you intend on being there, although my guess is not very(a week or less) what J intends to do is to maximize the time they spend together by minimizing the things they do that dont include each other.

that isnt unreasonable. that is the function of a long distance relationship.

for him to address this is a bit of a red flag, imo.

T Dot said...

J - random question: I know you said your beau went to HU - I'm being nosey, but, is it Fields? Just wondering. Hope you had fun this weekend. :-)

4EverJennayNay said...

A lil late, I know.

Belly button lint?

ewe.

Laundry is cool. Who else would be around to distract him from you? Even if you were in a laundry mat full of people, you would still be the only ones in your world.

I can understand the calling people back thing. A person on the phone while you are spending one on one time with them is rude in my opinion. But its cool as long as it doesn't last for too long.

Depending on the video games, you might be able to suffer thru them. Maybe you should invest in a game that both of you could enjoy.

Basketball? Umm.. I did a bit of sports reporting for a stent. Hated it cause I don't like sports like that. Don't know if you're like me when it comes to sports, but u might could suffer thru ONE game with him.

Or, two birds, one stone: basketball video games. LOL.

If you two are together, I'm sure you have several things in common that interest you both. Try concentrating on them.

He knows that you don't come thru too often, so one weekend without basketball and everything else should not be too, too bad. Its only a weekend. But it's a weekend with you.

D. Sands said...

*No offense to the ladies here*

He wasn't the first to say it, but Stephen A. Smith said it most profoundly.

Women need to be careful about taking advice from other women on what to do with men. Amen.

Aisha T. said...

Hmmmm...I think he went around it the wrong way. He laid down the law instead of maybe suggesting what he wanted to do or maybe doing some of those things together and planning other stuff. If this is your life, he needs to experience it while you INCLUDE him in it. He might have also gone another route and sat you down and talked about why these things bug him but, it took a long time for my guy to do that with me (wait, it took a lot of tantrums till he started doing that with me.)

spchrist said...

Wow. How did I miss this post?

Jameil. We have become online friends and all but I'm siding with your boyfriend on this one.

My ex-girlfriend did the same thing when she use to come see me in upstate New York. It was cute at first but then it became real annoying.

So...Wise...Sista said...

Yeah I'm mad late and you're probably back in the P by now.

Do I think your requests are unreasonable?
Some.

Do I think rules are inappropriate?
Not at all. Especially under long distance circumstances.

I think some of the other comments are on point...if these are his only days off and he's down to his last pair of draws, then have fun pouring the fabric softener and folding said draws.

But I'm with you, what the hell you playing XBox for when I'm around! However, if he does have the desire to do these things (and based on your description of the relationship I can't imagine that he would), pay attention. When dudes do shit like that, like little boys, it's usually bec they need some kind of attention or they've got some issue that they don't feel like talking about, but of which you'll get an earful after you leave.

I'm also curious as to why you felt it necessary to mention this to him?

I'm sure y'all weren't even sweating the rules and he couldn't get enough of you!

PS - Sherlon...when your girl came to visit...umm, were you playing ball and Playstation? Why was it annoying? [...Is that allowed...asking other folks questions on your blog?] :)

Mrs A. said...

huh?

heartbreaker said...

Hey Jameil,

was he for real when he said "rules?" i understand where he's coming from, tho... and after seeing each other, you're not gonna want to do any of those other things anyway, right?... he's not wrong tho, or being unreasonable ;) lata

ProfessorGQ said...

Rules? What narcissistic trip is your boyfriend on?

spchrist said...

"PS - Sherlon...when your girl came to visit...umm, were you playing ball and Playstation? Why was it annoying? [...Is that allowed...asking other folks questions on your blog?]"

If I already had plans to go to the park or gym to ball with the crew...she could come along with me...and I encouraged her to come along to meet some of my new friends in upstate New York. Now...I only played playstation when she was taking a shower/sleeping/cooking... stuff like that. She was a playstation fanatic too...so she would pick up the remote controller and play along with me. She was a very competitive person and would always want to beat me. Now...if she ever needed me to stop doing what I am doing and give her my complete undivided attention all she had to do is whisper the magic words in my ear.

Clay said...

interesting .. i understand both sides .... but one thing ive learned is that you have to meet people where they are at ..

jameil1922 said...

ok the only person i agree with whole heartedly is dp. you're supposed to put stuff on hold. we didn't have any issues regarding that. they worked themselves out as i'll detail later (likely tomorrow). and i'll also cosign on dsands. women should not take advice w/other women. and add also from people who've never been in a long distance relationship. its a whole nother beast. some of y'all said some crazy nonsensical things.

so wise. it wasn't like i was like ok here are the rules. they were just things that trickled out over the course of 5 months. when you talk to someone 10 hours a week for years, stuff has a habit of accumulating.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

Jamie, you wrote "he said..." I am so confused.
I am with business voodoo. Too many "requests" (see:demands) are stifling. What if he said "you can't watch 30 minute meals cause you don't pay attention to me when you do?" I personally think playing games with the boo is a way to bond. Play horse, have him teach you how to play bond on the PS2, and do laundry together. You say everything is fun so let EVERYTHING be fun, you know?

jameil1922 said...

stace. I AM NOT DOING LAUNDRY WITH HIM!! DAMN! you people are crazy. the whole lot of you. and don't call me jamie. that really really annoys me when i don't agree w/what you're saying. oh and guess what? we don't watch 30 minute meals. we watch espn incessantly. trust and believe we do plenty of bonding. and you already know this.

to all... i can see how this could be misconstrued as a cry for help but it really wasn't. it was more do you agree w/me? i already knew what i was going to do b4 i left, regardless of the mostly misguided advice. i know how to get along w/my boo. that's part of the territory when you're w/someone you've known for nearly 6 years, and were close friends w/for at least 3, maybe 4 of those. i don't think they were unreasonable requests (see dp's response). we don't live near each other. hadn't seen each other in 2 months and i was only there for a couple of days. probably will not reunite until june 29th. so no, i don't want to do laundry or sit and watch him play video games w/his boys or even really watch him play bball. i want to do things we both like. we worked it out and he didn't even know we had this convo on the blog. he probably wouldn't like it. but i am who i am and that's why he loves me.

Stacie von Kutieboots said...

oooh, Stanky!!! Misguided advice?!? Fine.
Can I call you Jamie when we agree? Or when we're Miami Twilight High Mermaids? Go 'MAIDS!

So...Wise...Sista said...

"so wise. it wasn't like i was like ok here are the rules. they were just things that trickled out over the course of 5 months. when you talk to someone 10 hours a week for years, stuff has a habit of accumulating."

I figured as much. (Tho you did present it as if this was all one big convo).

Sherlon...just checking...tho I'm not sure if I would be feeling you on the "let's go to the park and watch me play ball with my new friends that you can also meet." Screw your new friends... I dont wanna ASK for your attention, dammit. I'm only in town for 2 nights. ;)

So...Wise...Sista said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jameil1922 said...

stace... actually HATE the name jamie. tolerate it much more when i'm in a good mood as in goooooo maids.

wise. 1st hilarious that you and sp are over here going back and forth. 2nd EXACTLY. why the hell i gotta beg for your attn. and it actually ended up he was talking about going to play bball and i just maintained my silence on that one. i was thinking hell no i don't want you to go on my last full day here. but i ain't say that. and he decided on his own not to go which actually made me feel like i won more than i would've if it had been a directive. (shut up if you're thinking i told you so, anyone!! that shit ain't necessary). it was great.

and he asked me to play chess and video games w/him and i declined. which wasn't nice. but we were distracted by other things. and i will do next time he asks. he loves chess. i don't really but i really don't like to play w/him 1 b/c he ALWAYS kicks my ass and 2 b/c it takes FOREVER!!! he contemplates every possible move for like 17 possible moves. it drives me bananas. i love that he's a thinker and smart enough to whoop my ass EVERY SINGLE TIME, but i'd rather know that and not witness it.